Happy Almost-giving!

I know.  It's been five months since my last post.  In my defense, life has been a little upended. I'm not that multi-tasking girl.  I'm slightly OCD and a little controlling, so please excuse the absence.   The short version of the update, madams and sirs:

July:  We get a new car (I have the flu), my Mazda 3.  She is grey and sexxxaaaaaaay.  Her name is Mazy.
August:  We find and bid on a house.  We get said bid and jump through a fair amount of hoops for this cutie, but it's ours.  Husband and I are happy, but cats are ecstatic to have their space. 
September 19th (Talk like a Pirate Day):  Arrgggg..we are homeowners, maties. 
October 2nd:  We move into the house whilst I have the flu for the second time.

Note to y'all:  Moving is hellatious, but if you move with the flu you will feel like you are dying and you will want someone to put you out of your misery.  Husband and a good friend moved all the stuff, I moved the cats and laid in our new bed in our new-to-us house. 

So I guess that brings us up to current status.  We have unpacked and are hanging things on walls (Omg, OUR WALLS).  We're starting to decorate for the holidays, but I've skipped over Thanksgiving and moved right on to Christmas.  My dad always refused to put up Christmas lights, so Husband is putting up lights on the house.  It will be my first house with Christmas lights ever.  I know it's a little thing, but it makes me so super happy.  Christmas lights!  I always wanted them.

We have not moved further on adoption other than talking about it in theory.  I know I said I didn't want to do IVF, but I've been kicking around the idea in my head.  I have insurance coverage for it and savings, so why not?  Part of me says go for it, but I'm not sure I'd survive another loss..maybe I'd go off the deep end and not come back.  Broken hearts can only break so much.  I only mentioned it to Husband today, and he made it clear the decision sits squarely on my shoulders.  Do I want to jump into this with my body?  Do I want to test my marriage yet again?  Shall I stretch our finances much more?  So much to think about. 

As to why I've had such a long absence..Let's be honest, my loves.  You're pregnant?  I'm jealous and pissed off.  The bigger part of me is happy for you.  I know that every pregnancy for the IF community is a triumph, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous.  Does that make me a bad person, less of a person?  Yeah, maybe.  But if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

My computer friends, please let me know how you are.  I've been lurking, but I want to hear from you.  All my love.

<3 <3 <3

News

Darlings, I have news.  Allow me to start out with the fact that Husband and I went to the beach last week, Tuesday-Thursday.  It was fantastic except I got the worst sunburn of my life.  Go ahead..say it...yes, I put on sunscreen.  Obviously, I did not reapply.  Thanks for pointing that out.  I'm peeling like a mofo now.  Is bad, guys.  Really bad and gross.

Anyway.  A fabulous time was had by all.  Husband was great about staying in the hotel room until the sun was behind the hotels and I could venture out on the second and third days.  Y'all, I'm pretty sure I had sun poisoning.  I was swollen to the point where I couldn't put wedding rings on and I felt like I had the flu minus the sore throat and congestion.  Have I mentioned that Husband was great?  He put aloe on me and got me food.  Not once did he say 'why didn't you reapply?'  He only asked if I had to puke (I did). 

I also got to see one of my oldest and best friends on Thursday evening.  I powered thru the sun poisoning just to see him and his girlfriend.  I've known D since we were 15.  We know each other so well and it was nice to see our friendship hadn't changed over the last (oh god) 16 years.  I also got caught up on the news from our old crew in ATL (you know who you are), which was much needed.  I need a trip home soon.  I miss my ATL.

Finally, the big news.  I received the autopsy report for my sister today.  She officially died from a septic infection from an intraoral abscess.  Huh?  I guess things were worse than I thought.  I feel like if I had talked to her the weekend before, maybe I could've convinced her to see a doctor and get it treated.  Am I wrong?  Part of me thinks she wouldn't have been honest about the situation with me, but the other part thinks I could have (should have) done something.  Husband says me talking to her wouldn't have made a difference.  Maybe he's right.  It's interesting how one can blame things on themselves with woulda coulda and shoulda.  I feel like I dropped the ball on my end. 

So that's where we're at.  Wowza.  How are y'all?

Almost made it through

Have I mentioned that I'm really great at denial?  My personal opinion is that it should be an Olympic sport, just so I can have a gold medal. I digress...

My annual exam was today. with my regular OB/GYN.  Computer friends, you know what this means.  Yes.  The room was full of pregnant ladies and their kiddos.  I was ok at the beginning, handling everything (by squeezing my husband's hand to the point of no circulation, but who's judging).  Then this lady walked in with a newborn right as I was called back and I start to have a mini-meltdown.  The nurse thought I was crazy and left me with my husband to sort me out in my paper gown.  She was a new nurse, but I'm pretty sure the word infertile is in my chart and it wouldn't have hurt to actually read it.  Anyway, I start to tear up and what does my husband do?  He gives me a foot massage to distract me whilst I sit there sniffling in my paper gown.  It was the best foot massage I've ever had.  Be jealous, ladies.  Be jealous. 

My doctor actually asked if I wanted anything for birth control.  HA!  What's the point, man?  The likelihood of me getting pregnant (not to mention staying pregnant) seems to be as likely as angels flying out of a horse's ass.  Just sayin.

So after all that, my husband took me to get some wine.  He knows me so well. 

Hello there...

Hey y'all. I know it's been awhile since I've blogged, but you know..I've just been sort of blah.  Things are good, I've just been taking a much needed break from the world of Facespace, blogging and Twit.ter.  I just needed to clear my mind, but things seem a bit jumbled up still. 

I'm still waiting on autopsy results from my sister, so there are no definite answers there.  Why does it take so long for regular people, but celebrities get results in a week?  Husband and I are still in an apartment, much to my dismay.  We still have our same old cars, even more dismay for me.  Things are same shit, different day.  It's not necessarily a bad thing.

Lots of baby happenings around me, tho.  That's...fun...  I lie and say I'm happy and excited for my friends.  It's the socially acceptable thing to do, but if I'm being honest (and it's my blog, so I'm gonna be honest, yo) I don't care.  If it's not my baby, I don't care.  This is an improvement from last year, when I would've cried for days at pregnancy announcements.  See what I mean by things being jumbled up still?  Sigh. 

I'm back up in the stirrups on Wednesday for my annual exam.  I love my regular doctor and I'm sure things will be right as rain.  Maybe he can shove me in a direction as far as adoption agencies. 

So that's my update.  How are y'all?

Weezy is back!

Gah! My friends, I have missed you.  I'm back in action, but with sad news.  Aunt G died the day after I wrote my post.  It was all very sudden and it's difficult to process still.  We miss her so much.  The Weezys gathered and threw her a fantastic party.  Casa de Noodle catered the ..wake?  Reception?  Anyway, fun was had by all.  We told stories of Aunt G (some started at 'and then there was light', so I mean, the stories could be long) and all drank Pinot Grigio in her honor.  I'm part of such a fabulous family.

So other than all that, things have been mostly quiet. Lots of baby happenings in my world and it's tough to not feel left out.  I'm in a strange place and I'm trying to process all my feelings.  Even though I've decided to create a family by "alternate means" (for the record, I hate that term) by adopting, I still feel pangs of jealousy from all the baby announcements and births.  Does one every overcome this feeling of inadequacy?  Maybe I'm not at the complete acceptance stage of this journey.

If we're counting (and I'm only vaguely doing so), this is cycle day 2.  I was thinking that if I keep ovulating every month (haven't missed a month for 3 years now..high five!) I could run the risk of getting pregnant.  I'm not going back on birth control, ever, so I guess we'll see what happens.  It'd be freaking weird if I got pregnant.  Like super duper freak out, call one of you and cry weird. 

A word to the wise, Fift.y Shades of G.rey is not about shades of color in any way shape or form.  I read The Hun.ger Games, but have heard mixed reviews about the movie. I've heard there's too much shakey cam in it.  I'm so pleased that The Real Houswives of New Jersey are back.  I missed that freak show (guilty pleasure!).

How are y'all?  I've missed you guys so so much.  Tell me what's going on with you.

Life gave us lemons this month

I wish I could say it's been quiet in the world of Weezys, but alas, that would not be so.  My  aunt collapsed on Friday and is currently in the hospital.  Things got quite worse today, but I'm not going to go into details here.  Suffice it to say that things are very, very serious and I'm spending a lot of spare time at the hospital with our family.

I had my sister's mail forwarded to me, so her bills are beginning to roll in.  Fun, fun.  Due to the current situation, I haven't done any further research on adoption and I left my adoption book in my uncle's car.  This past Saturday was our five year anniversary and Sunday was my birthday, which we did not celebrate due our aunt being so ill.  Maybe eventually, but celebrating doesn't seem right at the moment.

Anyway, things are difficult right now and prayers are needed for Aunt G.  Thank you in advance.

Mind your beeswax

I've been stewing on this for a few days, trying to figure out if I was going to give this woman the traffic she doesn't deserve.  Mel said it best when she wrote that this should be a pain campfire and not the pain olympics.  If you don't feel like clicking on those links, all good. The woman posted about how  miscarriage is nothing at close to baby death.  She is entitled to her opinion, however stupid I think it is.  That is my opinion. Mel is the blogger I would like to be when I grow up. While I don't know her personally, I admire her.

Here's the deal, folks.  I've had three miscarriages.  There is no way in hell that you are going to tell me that the grief that I felt and still deal with is unfounded.  I am not mourning a dream, I am mourning the children that came out of me.  To imply that women should somehow take comfort in the fact that it wasn't a real baby is preposterous.  Four years ago, if you would've told the 26 year old Beth that was standing over the toilet in the hospital, looking at the fetus that had just kerplunked out of her with a rush of blood that the pain she was feeling wasn't real, she would've taken you out right there.  I'm sorry for the image, but dammit. 

I've mourned all the miscarriages.  Yes, I've mourned the hopes and dreams for those babies, but I also mourn the souls that I will never get to know.  I mourn the hair I won't be able to brush, the snotty nose I can't wipe, the hugs I can't give.  I mourn that I never got to see their faces and they never knew how much their Dad and I love them.  That shit is real, it's not a dream or a hope.  To have someone minimize that is hurtful and cruel. 

Y'all, pain is pain.  Devastation is devastation.  Loss is loss and mine runs deep.  It's not my place to judge your reaction to loss.  However, it is my place to offer love and support when you need it.  It's my place to help pick the pieces of your heart back up and put them together because I needed someone to do it for me. I've been there.  I've had days when I can't get out of bed because, well shit, what's the point if my baby is gone? 

I've lost both of my parents and my sister.  Does this somehow make me an expert on grief and loss?  Absolutely not.  Was my father's death any less devastating than my mother's or sister's? Eh, no it was just different.  Just because it's different doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

All I have to say to that woman is to mind her own business.

Happy Easter.  I turn 31 in a week.  I like cupcakes.

Kinda throwing in the towel

I told my husband on Monday that I'm not interested in any further fertility treatments.  We were sort of leaving the door open and I know he'd like to go all the way with IVF, but I'm done.  The more I think about it, the anxiety starts build.  I've put my body through three surgeries, three miscarraiges, countless rounds of Femara and Clomid, the mindfuck drug Gonal F.  I'm just done.  I have enough scars on my body.  I have enough scars on my heart to last a lifetime and I don't want anymore.

Husband has always made it clear that I'm the one driving this boat.  He'll voice his opinion and I'll always have his support, but the final decision lies with me.  He seems fine with moving on to adoption.  I'm tired of fighting my body.  We've been trying for a baby for our entire marriage.  Enough.

We're researching our options, but international adoption is really tugging at my heart.  I've always wanted to adopt.  When I was small, I used to beg my mother and father to adopt a little brother for me.  My mom would answer by saying she was too sick, but I'd protest and say that I'd take care of him.  Adoption was appealing to me at five, it's so much more appealing at 30 (erm..31 on the 15th, but that's not the point).

Are you guys ok if this turns into an adoption blog?  Can I still complain about my body and the lovely effects of PCOS?  I'm not sure if I turn in my infertile card or what.

So who knows how we'll end up with our baby.  But our baby is coming, have no doubt about that. 

I'll leave you on a Damn you Autocorrect moment.  I texted Husband earlier this week, asking how he felt about fondue.  My phone changed fondue to gunfire.  Husband answered with "I'm generally opposed to it, especially when it's directed towards me.  Why????'  HA!  Damn you autocorrect!

Focusing on the positive

I've been struggling with thoughts of my sister lately.  If we're going to be really honest, I have trouble reconciling the facts that I know about my sister's life with the sister that I knew when I was younger.  She was eight, almost nine years older than me.  She had a completely different take on our parents than I did, but she spent a lot more time with both of them, which is good and bad.  She had the strong positive influence of my mother, but she also bore the brunt of my father's anger.  Things were very screwed up in our household for such a long time, she could never recover from it.

My earliest memory is that of my sister.  We were at this Ol.an Mills photo shoot, you know the kind.  Your parents stick you in these dresses that you wouldn't have worn willingly and expect you to smile. Anyway, I remember being freaked out because no one was with me during my solo pictures.  I have always been a very social person, I don't do alone very well.  I was screaming, afraid of the photographer and no one could calm me down. My sister finally came over and pulled me onto her lap and I remember feeling safe.  She was there.  Everything would be ok.  They were never able to get a picture of me by myself.  .

Things changed when we got older.  She was physically abused, and gave it back to me.  That kind of stuff can change a person.  She never got over my mother's death and actually believed the horrible things my father said.  I always chose not to believe him and I would escape to my best friend's house.  After our father died, I was able to leave Pennsylvania and get some therapy.  I grew up. I'm not sure she was emotionally ready to be an adult, but she was forced into it..  She so desperately wanted to be nurtured and cared for, I'm sorry I couldn't do that after I got back into contact with her.

My sister was many things to many people.  I'm going to choose to remember the comfort that she gave me in that photo shoot and after our mother died.  I can't focus on what I didn't do for her. 

Below is a picture from that photo shoot.  I look just like my mother and she favored my father's side.  I think I was three and she was 12 or so.  My mom dressed me in pink.  I hate pink.

I'm sweating, how about you?

First of all, it's hot as balls here in Florida.  I can only imagine what the summer's going to be like.  This is how I spend the months of May-October:

• Hurry to the car, blast AC the whole drive
• Find a good parking space.  A good space is designated by shade.  
• Hurry inside, repeat the procedure when leaving.
• Hurry from the apartment, to the pool.  Dunk myself immediately, swim for a bit.
• Lay out as long as I can stand it, then go dunk again.
• Hydrate.  Never underestimate the value of water.

Husband and I met with a lawyer today concerning my sister's estate.  Things seem to be turning out well, it's nice to get confirmation that I'm handling things the proper way. 

The lawyer happens to be an old family friend. She knew my husband and his brother when they were teenagers and she happens to specialize in estates and probates.  She's super cool.  She also knows non profit agencies and lawyers that specialize in international adoption.  Drool.  DROOL!  I've already purchased some books about international adoption, but OMG, I'm so excited!  We're not ready yet to go completely in, but it was like a light went off in my head and I heard a big fat yesssssssssssssssssssssss.  I'm going to research it more before I give my final say, but I think this may be the direction we decide to go in.  What do y'all think?


Husband's yuck was in the shop today.  It apparently has a cracked hose, which is leaking coolant.  I was honestly hoping it was the kiss of death.  His yuck (truck) is old.  It's gross.  So what else did we do?  We went looking at cars.  All I'm sayin is that I like Mazda 3s.  They're fun, sporty little cars and I can zip right around in them.  Alas, we're getting the damn hose replaced.  No new car for me.  .

Tomorrow is my pool day!! 

In return

One of my husband's employees is due to have a baby girl in three weeks.  Employee told me today that he and his girlfriend haven't had a baby shower, just due to scheduling.  I assumed they didn't have much for baby girl and took it upon myself to raid Targ.et.  So umm..a lot of money later they have outfits,  diapers, stuffed animals, socks (even the ones that look like they're shoes!), bath stuff and burpee blankets.  I figure I can live vicariously, right?  Right.  Let's just hope Husband doesn't look at the bank account until the next round of statements comes out (not likely, heh).

Tonight made me think about how much time, money and effort I've spent on my friends and family's babies.  HOLY EFFING HELL, it's got to be a lot.  I'm a person that can't do a little, I've got to do a lot.  Maybe I'm making up for what I don't have, I don't know.  Baby stuff is so effin cute.  All I'm sayin is that when I have/adopt a kiddo, I better get some babysitting or clothes in return!  Shiiiiiiiiittt. 

Just thought I'd share.

The Struggle

So even though I'm not actively trying to get pregnant, I find that I'm still super envious of pregnant women.  Any announcement annoys me.  The fact that the Snook is pregnant really pisses me off, and it's for no justifiable reason.  I'm trying to be logical about this, but I want a baby.  Our baby.  I want our baby to be here already.  Damn.it.

It's not lost upon me that my five year wedding anniversary is three weeks away.  Five fantastic years with my husband.  Five years trying to have a baby.  That is a long time y'all.  Super long.  I can't see the end of my journey at all.  It's not even on the horizon.  Shit.

We decided this week to sort of hold off on the house until we figure out the life insurance situation.  If we can put 20% down and avoid government loans and PMI, our realtor said we'd be looking at significant long term savings.  So that's good.  I can spend more time at the pool or beach, working on a tan.  Is it warm everywhere?  Can everyone up north go to the pool now? We should have pool days.

I've discovered Draw Something.  Holy eff, that's addictive.  I'm horrible at it, but it's so much fun!  Do any of y'all play?

That's all for now.  Chat soon!  <3

Picky picky

Husband and I go look at another batch of houses tomorrow. Looking for houses was so much more fun when I wasn't seriously looking. I'm really picky, not just about houses, everything. For example, I'm picky about how much sauce is on my pizza. If lettuce is hanging over the border of my crust, it is torn off and not eaten. You can imagine how house hunting is going.

In other news, one of my favorite bloggers has disappeared. I won't say why, its not my place. But if you're out there, Eggs, you are missed. Please come back soon.

Husband and I are going to take next week off from house hunting. His truck (yuck) needs to spend the day at the spa. I need to spend the day at the pool or beach.

Anyway, this is my update. I'm almost, not really, caught up on your blogs. This week, I promise. Pinky promise.

Forgetful blogger

Gah!  Guys, I'm so sorry!  I've turned into a horrible bloggy friend, I know.  I miss you all, I'm trying to get back into the swing of things, I swear.  Pinky swear.  I pinky swear that I will catch up on my commenting and posting.  If it makes any difference, in the last week I've:

• lost my cell phone about 4 million times
• successfully lost my badge to get into my work
• Lost and found my Brighton bracelet
• Misplaced and located my checkbook, which was in my purse, right where I left it.

I've been nothing but scatter brained.

Update on the house hunt:  We found a house that we loved loved loved in a neighborhood that we loved loved loved, but it's 45 minutes from my job.  That's on a good day with no traffic.  It's only 15 minutes from my husband's job, which is awesome.  The house reminded me of my home in Atlanta, which is a good thing.  We decided to pass on it though. I didn't want to drive 45 minutes (possibly an hour with traffic) to work, not to mention the fact that it was a short sale and we couldn't cover all of the closing costs.  Note:  Short sales are crazy present in Florid-uh. 

Update on the sister situation:  She had life insurance, I am the beneficiary (woot).  I have to wait 16 weeks (possibly more) from the date of the autopsy results for the cause of death.  Hopefully, she didn't commit suicide and the life insurance money will come through. 

So knowing that life insurance money may be possibly on the way, we're looking at adoption a little more closely.  I've always had my reservations about IVF and, quite honestly,  the driving force behind fertility treatments has always been Husband. For the time being, IVF is huge step that I'm not sure I'm ready to take. 

Adoption sounds much more appealing.  I know it's not without it's trials and tribulations, but damn.  I want a baby.  I don't care if my baby is Asian, African American or whatever. I will love that child like my own, because they will be my own.  Make sense?

We're trying to not get ahead of ourselves.  Things may change. 

Anyway, I miss y'all.  Tons.  Super mega tons.  <3

The house hunt

First an Easter egg hunt, now a house hunt. I'm all about the hunts, what can I say?  We looked at a few houses last week and are getting set for a new round of houses this week.  Last week I learned a few things:

• I am picky
• My standards of clean seem to be too high for others to meet
• Husband is not as picky

All the houses we saw were foreclosures.  The first one was a farce, it was listed as a 3/2, but it was really a 2/2.  Lies.  It also had woodrot.  It was overpriced, in my opinion.  The second house was a 3/2, 1600 sq feet. New renovations and stuff, but it's 45 mins from Husband's work and it's also a house that others were bidding over.  I'm not getting into a bidding war, especially when the house is worth 10 grand less than what the current price is.  You feel me?  The third house was ok, but it didn't have a garage.  The garage had been converted into an in law suite.  We want a garage for my car and so we can set up Husband's drums.  I'm sure our future neighbors will love it in mid-afternoon!

So the hunt continues this week.  I emailed our realtor seven houses, but we'll see how many actually get a contract before we look at them.  Such is life in central Florid.uh!

Hey y'all!

I don't know quite where to begin. It would be overstating the facts if I said my life had been turned upside down. It would be understating the facts if it hadn't been turned upside down.  I'm somewhere in the middle.  I won't pretend that Sister and I were close, we were anything but.  She had many problems since my mother died and I grew up and away from her.  The guilt over the situation will be forever with me.  My sister died on February 27th at 625pm, the day before her 39th birthday.  I'll give you the rundown of events from that evening.

• February 27th 745pm EST:  One of our mutual friends calls to tell me that Sister was found dead in her apartment. I immediately suspect suicide, but I have no details. I'm completely going on hunches.
• 800pm EST: I call my uncle that raised me from 13 on. I call him to find out wtf am I supposed to do.  He does not answer.
• 845pm EST:  Uncle finally calls me back, we're both dumbfounded.  Sister is dead?!  She was only 38.  WTF are we/I supposed to do?
• 930pm EST:  Pittsburgh medical examiner calls me.  Official notification that Sister is gone.  I call my uncle, he touches base with the medical examiner first.  I absolutely have to call them since I am the sole remaining immediate family member.  I am scared. Our parents died in 1989 and 1994, I can barely remember them.  How am I dealing with this at 30?  Holy shit.
• 945pm EST:  I call the medical investigator, get and give the particulars.  Sister had a cat that went with animal control.  Legally speaking, I now own Kitten.  Shit.  I am also told by the medical investigator that I have the option of relinquishing rights to Sister's remains.  Holy shit.
•  February 28th, 1030am:  Medical examiner calls during the autopsy.  Kitten has found a home with one of Sister's friends. Medical examiner does not suspect suicide (sigh of relief), but they do suspect an untreated infection.  Shit, Sister!  It's 2012, why didn't you go to the doctor!  Why aren't you here!
• March 1st, 430pm:  I finally find a funeral home and get in touch with the cemetery where our parents are buried.  Plans are made to cremate her remains and inter them with our parents.
• March 9th: Sister's remains are buried with our parents. 

So that bring us up to present day. I currently have to get a court order to get into her bank account and pay her remaining bills.  I did not have a service for her because, quite frankly, Husband and I cannot afford it. I would have loved to give her our traditional Catholic viewing, but that was not an option.  On top of that, her friends knew a very different side of her than I did.  I would prefer for it to remain that way.  I don't want to ruin any memories or thoughts they had of her.  I didn't want to have a service for her, listening to them tell their memories of her and think 'oh that wasn't true.'  and 'yeah, that never happened'.  My sister had a habit of telling tall tales to people.  It's not my intention to tarnish their thoughts of her.  I'll remember one person, they can remember the other. Fair?  Maybe.  I don't know.  I just don't know. I feel a little lost on that subject.

I hope I did the right thing by her.  I'm hoping she's at peace, the kind that she could not find during her life.  I will carry this guilt with me for the rest of my life. I will always feel like I didn't do enough to help her.

If you're wondering why cycle day it is, I have no idea.  My three month break may turn into a longer break. I'm not sure that I can deal with this grief along with the prospect of pregnancy.  This is just all too real and too hard.

Quick note

Just letting y'all know I may be absent for awhile. My sister died and I'm the sole family member. Obviously, I'm going through a lot. We weren't close and the relationship was complicated, to say the least.

I'll check in when I can. Love you guys.

B

A plan!

I feel better after writing my last post and taking in all of the comments.  I called Husband at Casa de Noodle and we further discussed the issue.  I brought up the idea of taking (probably) three cycles off and then starting IVF.  He agreed and said he can tell that I'm emotionally tapped after this last disappointment.  His biggest concern is my well being, emotionally and physically. 

We're going to start looking into the house situation this week. We'll be gathering data, getting bank statements, all that jazz. We just want to get a ball rolling.  Our savings is well over what I thought it would be (ok..he keeps track of the money.  What?  I just spend it).

It's amazing what a plan can do for me.  I feel better already. 

And thank you to my computer friends.  Y'all calmed down.

The Talk

Husband and I sort of had the talk today.  I say sort of because we didn't really get in depth with it.  He made it clear that I am the one driving this bus and he will go along with any decision I make.  I was able to pull out of him that he would like to try IVF since we have the insurance for it.  I sort of agree, but I'm scared of going all the way with IVF.  I'm afraid of the financial and emotional upheaval it will be, but wouldn't adoption be the same way?

Part of me wants to take a break because I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker.  I want to focus on other things, like getting a house.  Another part of me just wants to move on to adoption after getting a house.  If I'm being really honest I'll tell you that I'm tired of this roller coaster.  We've been at this for five years and if it hasn't worked by now, will it ever work?  That is the question that keeps running through my head.  A break sounds really nice, but I feel like I'm running out of time for a baby.

I feel really weak for wanting to move on.  I applaud adoptive parents and even hope to be one at some point, but I don't want to give up on a baby from our DNA.  I don't know what to do.  I wish someone could point me in a direction and say 'go do this.'

I feel like I'm frozen in place.

How it started....

It was memorial day weekend. We were driving home from Tampa.  Husband's stepbrother had just gotten married that weekend. We were veterans, having been married for all of 6 weeks. We thought we would throw caution to the wind and throw out the birth control and condoms...I mean, we'd been together for almost five years.  We got this. Right. My ass.

I never thought I would be here.  I never thought that I'd have 3 miscarriages, multiple surgeries, and failed fertility treatments and almost five years later.  Yet here I am. What am I supposed to do? My heart is broken. My husbands heart is broken. What can I do to fix it?

Husband and I have to have a very long talk about adoption vs. IVF vs. house. I'm not sure what we'll agree on. This does not decide the fate of our marriage. I love him more than I can say. He wants a child. I want a child. We just have to decide how we're going to bring home our baby.

Cycle day one

Other than I hate my body, I have nothing else to say.

Blogging on the road

I blog to you now from Epcot. I'm currently in Norway waiting for Husband to ride whatever ride is here. I'm not much of a ride person. I don't like roller coaster or things that go downhill really fast. If you have a merry go round, I'm your girl.

We've been through Canada, Japan (where we saw drummers), Italy (we scarfed Gelato down), Great Britain (I'm tempted to get Husband a Guinness hat complete with bottle opener), Germany, China, and now Norway. I've visited every bathroom in every country! I'm drinking so much water, its ridiculous.

I've realized a few things today.

1. I'm not that fat.
2. All women should wear a bra when out in public.
3. I'm not the only infertile here.

I was standing in line for the bathroom and I saw a woman with a bracelet with a pomengranate charm. She looked at me and I said that I liked her bracelet. She started explaining it and I just said me too. We're everywhere.

Mo is heavy on my mind today. I hope our support can ease the grief a small bit.

Go give some love

Mo is not a blogger that I've read very much of, but I'm hoping to change that. Word has spread that her water broke at 23 weeks and they are inducing labor tonight.  Her baby boy is not expected to survive. 

My heart breaks for her family.  No one should have to go through this nightmare.

She needs all the love and support we can give her. Head on over to her blog and give her some love, if you don't mind.

Frustration

I am not a patient person. I like immediate results. I'm feeling very frustrated at the moment.

I'm trying to not think that I'm pregnant. I'm not nauseous, my boobs don't hurt. I'm just peeing a lot and sometimes feel very warm, almost feverish.  I've had some slight cramping, but nothing major.

If I think I'm pregnant it will hurt too much when I get my period. I don't want to cry my way through my work week.

The two week wait is awful. I want this to be over already. I want to know one way or the other and get on with my life.

So that's my Monday. How are y'all?

Before

I had a dream last night that I was fertile.  I was popping out kid after kid.  Have you ever seen that episode of Family Guy when a random lady answers the door nursing two kids while smoking and another one just sort of falls out, crying?  The lady says to her husband 'well whaddya know, I was pregnant!'  It was a lot like that without the smoking part.  My boobs hurt when I woke up and I was crying.  I've never had that happen before.  What a crappy dream.

Anyway, I was thinking about what my life was like before infertility smashed its head through the wall.  I came up with this list...wait, before I do that I have to ask you this.  Do I make too many lists?  It's just how my brain works.  Whatever, the Before IF list follows as such:

•  I thought kids were a done deal.  I met a handsome guy, we were in love (or duv, as we call it).  Kids were a sure thing.
• My ovaries and uterus didn't have names.
• My life wasn't lived two weeks at a time.
• I didn't dream of babies and wake up to my boobs aching.
• I looked at women with crying kids and thought 'Wow, I am so glad I'm not there yet!.'  Now I'd give anything to have a screaming child.  And not just for the day, so don't say I can have yours and see how it is.
• I was not jealous of pregnant women (jealousy is probably my least favorite part about IF.  It's an awful emotion to feel).
• I didn't know how to give myself shots, but hey, now I do.  A plus?  Maybe.
• I was never observant of my cervical mucus, but Gd help me, it occupies my mind some days.
• I felt good about myself. It wasn't perfect, but I didn't feel like I was broken or less of a person.
• If I'm being really honest, I wasn't even sure I wanted kids at one point. 

There's a lot more stuff to that list, but you get the idea.  Infertiles have to deal with your normal every day crap plus all this stuff.  No wonder we find our computer friends!

I'm on day 6 since my IUI.  I'm feeling a little crampy and very cranky.  This can be normal PMS, but I'm also known to be a little psychotic while pregnant.  I'm now in the stage where I'm telling myself that it's ok if I wake up with my period.  Things will be ok.  Things will be ok.

*On a side note, someone found my blog by googling the tool concert.  Fabulous.

My very own meme

I pronounce this meeeeeem, not mem (as in memory).  Meeeeeeem sounds better to my ears.  So ok..here we go...

Here are the rules: 
1 - Post the rules
2 - Post 12 things about yourself
3 - Answer the 12 questions from the person who tagged you.
4 - Create 12 new questions for the people you tag. 
5 - Tag 12 people and link them to your post.
6 - Let them know that you tagged them.

1. Who are your favorite bloggers?

So many!!  Hands down hilarious is Rachel @ Eggs in a row.  I really wish I could be that funny and clever, but alas. Laura at the adventures of an infertile myrtle is someone that I can hear in my own head, which is awesome.

 2. What tip(s) would you give a beginning blogger?

 Take nothing personal.  I used to get a little hurt that my blog wasn't being viewed, but then I realized I'm a small chicken.  Don't take any comment personal either.  People mean well, they just don't always understand your struggles.  I don't think very hard about what I write.  I just sort of go with it. My blog is my brain dump.

3. What is your occupation and what is your favorite part of that occupation?
I work in the IT field and I get to fix things. My favorite part is also the worst part...people. 


4. What do you like to do in your spare time?
 I read...watch movies.  I attempt working out, but I'm a fat chick with a badonkadonk that I'm self conscious of.  I'm talkin' ghetto booty here, people.  I dabble in baking, also. I make killer cakes and cookies.  I do alright at cheesecakes, but breads intimidate me.

 5. What are the top 5 sites you visit on the Internet?
Dr. Google, Facebook (which will be my demise),  reddit, MLS home listings for my area, and Cnn (politics junkie)


6. What is your favorite vacation place and why?
 Anything beachy, really.  Living in Florida, we have lots of beaches.  Being near the water, swimming and laying in the sun are some of my favorite things during the summer.  I can spend all day outside and turn brown within 12 hours.  






7. What is your favorite subject to blog about? And how do you come up with ideas to blog about?
Mostly I blog about how stupid my ovaries are and how they mess up my life, but that gets old.  I like blogging about funny stories, if I can, and share recipes.   I come with ideas for blogs mostly from my own life, but other blogs will give me ideas.

8. Tell us one unique fact about yourself:
 I read almost everything from right to left before I read left to right.  I don't know why I read backwards.  

9. What is your favorite book(s) of all time and why?
 Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore.  OMG, y'all, it's great.  If you're particularly religious, I wouldn't recommend it for you though.

10. What is your favorite food?
Hmm...I love pasta, namely spaghetti and meatballs.  I make a mean meatball.

11. What are your favorite movie(s) of all time and why?
My Cousin Vinny...fav of all time.  I like anything that I can laugh at, but Lisa's biological clock is tickin like THIS!  And so is mine! My childhood best friend and I used to watch this every day and I'd be willing to bet we can recite every single line.

12. What will you do if you can't have a baby? 
Adopt.  We'll definitely adopt.  A friend actually suggested we scour the local high schools for teenage moms-to-be.  Creeper much! 

I'm not sure that I'm familiar with 12 blogs, but I'll give it a shot. 

1.  Laura at The adventures of an infertile myrtle 
2. Scarlett at Baby Bump Envy 
3.  Infertile625 at Hidden Infertility 
4.  Infertilemyrtle at My secret world of infertility 

.........and uh, yeah, that's all I've got.  Everyone else I know has been tagged.   Do I have like...10 years bad luck or something?

Chaos

I got tagged in that meme thing by Lisa over at Hapa Hopes, but before I do that I need to get something off my chest. It's been festering since last night and I've been stewing on it all day.  My husband has a bookcase addiction.  Allow me to explain.....

Yesterday, my husband and I went to Ikea.  We are lucky to live in the House of Mouse area which has an Ikea to go.  Anyway, we always go there when he's hatching a plan to build something (duh).  This time he decided he needed two big bookcases to go in his man cave.  One was for books (second duh) and  the other was for....*nerd alert*....... his legos.  Husband has a love of Star Wars (playing the new PC game that's out, watching movies, naming our cats after SW characters, etc) and has amassed a collection of SW themed legos. 

This may not seem like such a big deal, but our loveseat was in his man cave (mostly to save space in the living area) and had to be moved out to the living room for said book cases.  He then decided he wanted the recliner that was next to my couch in his man cave as a reading chair.  Fine, this is not worth arguing about.  Whatever.  So we moved the furniture around. 

The problem lies here:  My living room is now bursting at the seams with couch and loveseat.  It's overwhelming the room.  When I had the couch and recliner in there, it was so cozy. Now it looks like beige leather vomit everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.  Plus the setting of the coffee table and TV stand are crooked.  I can't handle it. My brain is saying 'get rid of everything, get a new couch with a chaise lounge attached so it's just one piece of furniture.'  Please, dear Gd, help me..clutter makes me anxious and irritable.  HELP ME!  I'm seriously considering moving the loveseat into his man cave and telling him to suck it up and taking the recliner back.  I was talking to him this morning about it and he said 'Babe, I think you should just suck it up and deal with it.'  Infuriating

Do y'all see this beige vomit?  See how big everything is.  Help me. Please help me. I'll take any advice.

The current setup from the front door.  Should I just add some color?

Looking in from the direction of the kitchen. That's my Jaina cat

This is the couch I want...stick an ottoman in front of that...and I'm set.  It also comes with different color slip covers (yay Ikea!)

His current man cave.  Nerd alert.

Behind the beige vomit. Ignore the Mara on the counter.

Valentines Day..meh

I don't mean this V-Day.  This one has been great.  Husband gave me a couple of new beads for my Brighton bracelet (Pandora-like) and Lady and the Tramp.  I gave him...cards.  Yeah, you read that right.  Cards.  One was an actual V-Day card with Pepe Lepew and his female kitten, the other was a Happy First Communion card.  We started this tradition a few years ago where we get a bullshit card and a real card.  Last year my BS V-Day card was a "Have fun at camp' one.  Classic.

I digress.  Valentine's Day is the anniversary of two things:  It's the day we found out my father in law's liver was failing from cancer, thus making treatment no longer a viable option.  It's also the day I had my second miscarriage.  Talk about a shit storm that day.  I can't help but think of Valentine's Day with a little sad face like this.. :-(  My husband and I try to focus on good things, but these two events are always in the back of my mind.  Again..sad face..  :-(

There are many things I have to celebrate this day.  My husband, our respective families that love us very much, our menagerie of cats, our friends.  But this year I have each one of you to send love out too.  My new computer friends.  <3 <3 <3 <3 <3  Where would I be without you?

I'm sending you all big hearts full of chocolate and roses.  Big love to you all.  Big huge love.

the 2-ish week wait

I have been basted, as of 1030 this morning.  I feel like we've done everything that we can to make this happen.  I responded well to the mindfuck drug and my husband gave the best deposit the doctor's seen in years.  Husband's just an overachiever, what can I say? For my fertile readers, a good deposit is made up of a good volume of..you know... and healthy sperm. 

I've been resting most of the day because I've been really crampy.  This hasn't happened after the previous IUIs, so I'm not sure what's going on. I know my doctor inserted the 177 million swimmers a little higher in my uterus and to the right because that's where the biggest eggs were.  I felt the tube in my uterus.  It was...umm..different.  If we don't get a baby out of this I'm getting really, really drunk on cycle day 1.  Just forewarning everyone. 

Now if I can just make it through the next 2-ish weeks, I'll be good.  Ovidrel seems to speed up my cycle, so my period usually arrives on day 10 or so.  Joy.

I finally had time to do our taxes and we're getting a $1500 tax refund!  Today has been  a good day!

The Hail Mary 4th Quarter IUI

Getting ready to head out and be inseminated. Could we have come up with a less romantic way to get pregnant? I think not.  Wish us good sperm and eggs!!  :)

Things that make me lose my mind (and pet peeves)

I've been trying to post about something that doesn't have to do with infertility.  No babies, pregnancy tests, miscarriages, uteri (the plural form of uterus in my world), ovaries or eggs.  This chick need a little break from all that.  So, in the interest of not losing my mind, I'm posting about things that FREAK me out.  The list is in no particular order.

• Elevators.  I have this unnatural fear of getting stuck in one and it falling.  A word to the wise, if you visit St. Luke's Hospital (aka the Mayo Clinic) in Jacksonville, the elevators are crazy awful.  I held on to my husband's arm and dug my nails in.  They're all jerky and stuff.
• Snakes.  No shoulders, no love.  'Nuff said.
• Birds.  They carry germs and make weird noises.  By birds I mean anything with wings. Note:  My uncle has chickens and we see them regularly.  They're nice chickens.  I just think they'd be nicer with special seasoning and dipped in buttermilk and flour.  Just sayin.
• If someone (ie my husband) moves my deodorant.  It's kept in the bathroom, by my hair stuff and if I can't find it...  Well, let's just say hell hath no fury like a woman wrapped in a towel at 7am.  It's just my thing.  He will occasionally move it to mess with me, that jackass.
• I hate it when people don't use napkins that are provided with their meal.  Instead, they just suck off whatever food is on their grubby finger.  So gross.
• My husband taps his foot on the bed constantly.  He's always in some type of motion. I can't stand the tap tap tap tap at midnight.  JUST SIT STILL!!
• I'm obsessed with what time it is.  I always have to know.  It will drive me crazy if I can't find out.

I hope you enjoyed this glimpse into my brand of crazy.  Here's to ovulating!

T-r-i-double guh-er

I trigger tonight between 6-8pm.  I have not given myself this shot before, but it can't be that difficult.  If I can give myself Gonal F, I can do Ovidrel.  Right?  Right...sigh.  I wish my husband would be home to supervise, but I'm flying solo. 

I am nervous for this one.  Well and truly nervous.  I don't know what I'll do if it does work.  By that same token, I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't.  I'm at a crossroads.  If it doesn't work, IVF is our only shot at a biological Weezy.  That would involve signing our savings over to Dr. R's office.  I'm not opposed to doing that, but it means kissing the prospect of a house goodbye.  If it does work, then holy shit I'm pregnant and I better not miscarry.  I am well aware that these are first world problems (which means in the big scheme of things they're not REALLY problems, just obstacles..except for the miscarrying..anyway).  I feel ridiculous for having the what if it works nerves.  I should feel ready for this to work, prepared.  For the most part, that's how I feel..there's just a little part inside of me that doesn't.  Am I making any sense here?

Husband won't talk about the what if side of this not working.  He refuses to indulge my what ifs, preferring to operate on fact and the current situation instead.  This is smart of him because I can give myself a headache what ifing.  Oy.  My head hurts now.

I told Husband last night how I felt before our first pregnancy and miscarriage.  I had done a fairly decent job of convincing myself that I would be perfectly happy if we didn't have kids, that we would be happy child free.  Then I had a brief taste of what it meant to be pregnant and I haven't been able to get back to that child free mindset.  I'm not sure if I was lying to myself or what.  Things seemed so much easier 4 years ago. 

On some other blogs I read they do this Thankful Thursday thing.  I'm thankful for y'all.  You're my sounding board and you lift me up when I feel like I can't get out of bed.  So thank you for your kind words and encouragement.  It means more than you could know.

**update, update, update**  I forgot to include this story.  Check it out, if you don't mind!  :)

Eggstraordinary Saturday

Our last IUI will be on Saturday.  We're down to three eggs, two on the right side and one on the left.  The others are growing, they're just not going to be ready to be hatched, so to speak.  I'm hoping that this one works, to say the least.  My defense mechanisms are mobilizing though.  I'm already saying to myself 'when I get my period...' 

I know I should be hopeful and positive.  I'm trying...it's just so damn hard.  So y'all be hopeful for me.  I will look forward to February 25th.  <3

The Egg Hunt

I just took my last Gonal F (aka the mindfuck drug).  Thank the powers that be.  That drug has messed with my brain so much.  I was in Tar.get yesterday, saw baby bathing suits and sniffled my way through the store.  Then I stopped in the beer and wine aisle to get something for my husband and I nearly lost it.  The only thing that kept me together was thinking that I would look like an alcoholic if I sat down and sobbed in front of the Yellow Tail.  Instead I cried on the cashier when she carded me and told me I looked good for 30.  Talk about awkward moments.

Apparently I'm at risk for triplets or some other multiple because I have at the very least 4 good eggs.  I'll know tomorrow morning if I have any more that are good lookin.   Darlings, I just want to get pregnant and stay pregnant.  I don't care if it's with one or three.  I really don't think I'd reduce if I managed to incubate multiples.  One step at a time, though. Let's get pregnant first.

Current side effects from Gonal F include cramps, super low low energy, mood swings and today's special addition, dizziness.  We were supposed to go see a movie, but I couldn't sit up, so it turned into a lazy day. 

My husband is holding up well from all the side effects.  We've only fought once and I'm positive it was his fault.  :)

How things are going so far....

Stimming so far is ok.  I'm having interesting mood swings, hot flashes, nightmares, and cramps.  Fun!  I gave myself a shot on Thursday...can I get a high five?

The ultrasound showed 4 follicles on my right ovary and 3 on my left. Two were 12 milimeters and a couple others were 10. My doctor wants them at 18 for the IUI.  I have more Gonal this evening and on Monday with another check on Tuesday. I can hardly wait.

So far the best mood swing was on Thursday morning. Husband worked half a day and I cried all morning. I felt bad that he had to work and it snowballed. I feel like my emotions are cranked up to a full 10 and very unlike myself.

This hormone business is for the birds.

Be brave

A comment was left on my last post about bravery.  It brought to my mind what my mom used to say to me when she would go into the hospital. The back story is that she was diabetic when she had my older sister and I. My mom lost function in one kidney when she was pregnant with my sister and I took care of the other one. She was in and out of the hospital and had a kidney transplant when I was three-ish.

I used to lose my mind when she would be hospitalized, thinking that I wouldn't see her again. I would cry and cry, she would pull me close and tell me to be brave.  It always struck a chord with me. I don't remember much of her, but I do remember she never showed me how scared she was.

Compared to what she went through, this is small peanuts (imho). If she can be brave, so can I. So can all of us.

What if?

I just had my first shot of Gonal F.  Am I supposed to feel any different?  I was worked up for nothing, it didn't even hurt.  My husband was trying to watch a video on how to work this infernal pen while I'm standing over him telling him not to touch it, don't do anything wrong, OMG  THAT'S THE NOT THE EFFING DOSE BABY and he's calmly snapping at me to let him watch the video.  Marriage..ain't it grand? 

If you can't tell, I tend to panic about big things.  Buying a car, getting an apartment, getting shot up with medication.  You know...big things.  Husband handles big things well, he doesn't deal well with every day things and details.  He's the yin to my yang, so to speak.

I've been thinking a lot about what happens if this IUI works.  Then I'm pregnant, but we all know that I have a sloppy record in carrying the pregnancy.  I'm afraid to go through another miscarriage.  They're painful, both physically and emotionally.  After my first one, I didn't feel like myself for 6 months.  I was pregnant for a whole 10 weeks, had a D&C and spent the night in the hospital.  When I was able to come home, I just laid in bed and cried.  I truly thought it was my fault.  I was depressed with the second one as well, but by the third one I was just numb. 

Even though I want this to work, what if I get pregnant?  What if I lose it?  What if, what if, what if, what if.  It's probably normal to be scared (but what if it's not).  What if my kid only grows one arm and a finger?  What if I'm a bad mom?  So much to fret about.

My fight does not end with a positive test.  It only begins.

How the cats came home

My ovaries are stupid.  We know this.  Not EVERY post needs to be about those selfish little things.  As you may know, we have four cats:  Obi, Mara, Jaina and Aayla (you get bonus points if you can name each Star Wars story those names are from). They are my sweet little babies and they are spoiled rotten.  Look at my sweetlings and their bios, if you will.

Mr.  Obi-Wan Weezy

Obi is 6 and a half.  He's our only boy, which would make you think he's king of the house.  Ha.  His sisters run him around like nobody's business.  When he was a kitten, he was nearly impossible to lay a hand on if he wasn't sleeping.  Obi was literally a fur coat with razor blades.  He was a daddy's boy from the start, though.  Husband had Obi purring within minutes of meeting him. Oddly enough, Obi has sensed each of my miscarriages and wouldn't leave my side for days during each of them.  Obi's hobbies include chewing on plastic, turning down chicken and turkey, and sleeping on the bathroom counter (his favorite place).

Miss Mara Jade Weezy

Mara just turned 6 years old in December.  She is a British Tortie , which means she has cattitude for days.  She is the one that runs the house, naturally.  When Mara was a kitten she was very lovey and sweet, but we went away for our honeymoon, she became very territorial.  She likes her space. Mara also suffers from allergies.  Not the kind that make you sneeze, the kind that make you lose your fur and have hives.  So she's on a strict diet of rabbit and green pea food and whatever else she can steal.  Currently she's on cyclosporin, which is helping us manage her allergies.  Mara's habits include waking us at 7am to eat, ensuring that Obi gets enough exercise by chasing him around, and begging for food.  Her favorite foods to steal are chicken, doritos, sour cream (as you can see over her eye), and pickles-kosher dill, of course!

Jaina Leigh Weezy

 Jaina is about to turn 6 years old, I think.  I found her when I went out to get the mail one day and she was laying on sidewalk, tummy up, begging for love.  I was hooked immediately.  Husband took a little convincing, but once he touched her, he was done.  Jaina took awhile to come out of her shell, but all she wants is to snuggle and to be fed.  She is an angel all year, until the Christmas tree comes out.  I guess the outside cat in her still loves to climb.  Jaina's hobbies include making biscuits in your lap, snuggling as close as possible to you, and chasing her tail.

Aayla Hampton Weezy

 Aayla is our baby at only 2 years old.  She was found at a bed and breakfast in north Florida on a very cold Christmas by our aunt and uncle.  Uncle was allergic, I loved Aayla (who was Hampton at that point), so home she came.  She is a very happy girl, purring and usually looking for mischief with Mara.  She spends every night sleeping curled up on me and that was interesting to get used to.  Now I don't sleep well without her.  Aayla's hobbies include running Obi around with Mara, opening drawers she can curl up in them, and chasing the fake little rats until they're under the couch. All of them.

So those are my kiddens.  I am NOT the crazy cat lady, I was married when I got them all.  That some how justifies it, yes?

Back in stirrups again

I spent $340 on infertility medication today.  Can I get a holy shit?  Yeah.  Holy shit.  I just want to give a big shout out to my insurance for not covering any Gonal F dosage and for having the Ovidrel be more expensive with insurance rather than self pay.  Holler.  I know that $340 is small potatoes to some of you, and I'm sorry to whine about it, but damn!  $340 on some injections to stimulate my retarded fabulous ovaries!!  They're supposed to work in the first damn place!  Anyhow, the ultrasound went well, so we're off to the races.

Monday was Husband's birthday.  It was ehhh, we both had to work and he closed that night at Casa de Noodle.  We celebrated on Monday with family and he was so happy.  The part of family we went out with had just gotten back from Vegas, so he got to talk poker with his uncle, mostly uninterrupted.  Good times for him and I got to visit with cousin and aunt.  Good times had by all.  He also got his favorite items on Monday: chicken salad and mocha cake.  Mocha cake is a family tradition for every birthday. I promise I'll give y'all the recipe soon.  I just have to find a good picture of the finished project.

In other news, my AC was all wonky last night, plus the toilet in the "master" bath was all drippy.  You ask me why I'm running my AC in January?  We live in Florida and Husband is a polar bear.  It was 80 some degrees yesterday and tomorrow it's going to be 74.  I feel bad for all of you snowed in and dealing with freezing temps because I did that when I was younger.  But right now, with being on my period and staring down the face of Femara, Gonal F and Ovidrel, a girl needs her air conditioner. 

Coming up next week we have staycation.  Yes, it includes a couple of ultrasounds to monitor my sexy less than great ovaries, but it also includes a trip to Ikea, poker night, possibly a trip to Epcot, the Tool concert for Husband and maybe a trip to the beach.  Busy week, but good times. I'll be getting my hair did during that time and possibly posting a pic of the finished project. Our closet needs some serious organization. It is on the verge of an avalanche, I kidd you not.

I've also joined Twitter, mostly for blogging purposes.  If you would like to follow me, my name thing is BWeezy0414.  I'm not particularly active on there yet. I'm still getting most of my audience from Facespace.

Until next time, my computer friends.  Hang tough.

PS~ How the eff do you use the Gonal F pen?  I need a little help.

A little clarification and lazy day

I realized my last post may make it sound like Husband doesn't want a baby. Without a doubt, he does.  I guess we just have different timelines in our heads.  I'm not sure what his is, but mine is have a baby NOW, do not pass go, do not collect $200.  Have the child now.  Maybe I need to discuss his timeline with him, huh?  Also, I'm not so upset that my co-workers are having babies.  It really is exciting for them.  It just feels like I'm getting passed by again by the baby fairy.  Should I leave a light on or something?  I mean damn.

Today has been a lazy day.  I had delusions of grandeur about cleaning the house and my car.  I thought about going shopping for some new pants and maybe a small birthday present for my husband.  I was supposed to make a birthday cake for him.  I'll still make the cake (mostly because if he doesn't get cake for his birthday I will NEVER hear the end of it), but I'm supremely good at procrastinating.  Besides, he hasn't gotten the cake display thingy down from the cabinet.  How can I make the cake if I can't display it?  Cake recipe will follow in perhaps my next post.  I'm too lazy to go get the recipe card at the moment!

One thing that's been aiding my procrastination is this little thing called Pinterest.  OMG.  It's day one for me on there and I haven't "pinned" anything yet, but HOLY CRAP is there a lot on there.  It's a little tricky to figure out.  Be patient with me, I'll starting pinning at some point.  I have to admit I don't think I'm hipster enough to pin, but you know.  If it's cool to me, it'll be pinned.  Whatever it is.

I'm going to go make that cake before my husband gets home (so it looks like I've done something besides lay around). My Mama Weezy knows the cake I speak of.  She started the tradition.  It's her fault (love you).

Fears

I'm not obsessing...maybe a little.  Ok, let's be honest, a lot.  Since I found out some of my meds may not be covered under my insurance, that puts us in a new ball game with this IVF stuff.  We'll have to make a choice between getting a house (which my husband wants) and doing IVF (which is what I want).  Don't get me wrong, husband wants the baby too, but he doesn't want to put off getting a house any longer.  I get that, but it's not even a question for me...IVF and baby win every time.  I know, IVF's not 100% successful and I have this last IUI left (and hey, that may work.  I'm just looking at that as my 11:59 miracle).  How do we come to an agreement?  I have the rest of my life to get a house, but a limited window to have a baby.

I'm scared that we'll never get a house, but I'm more afraid of never having a baby.  I'm afraid of bankrupting us over the possibility of children, when my reality is four cats and a husband.  I'm scared that my not-here-yet IUI won't work and we'll have absolutely no choice. 

Two co-workers have announced that their wives are having babies.  That's so exciting.  For them. Woo-effing-hoo.

If I go by the calendar I'm due for my period on Tuesday, the day after my husband's birthday  As I know too well, my cycles run long and I'll expect it on Friday instead.  Let's get this show on the road, dammit.

I have a confession

I'm a lurker.  I read many other infertility blogs, but rarely comment.  I think the main reason I never comment is because I don't feel like I can contribute to the conversation.  I'm starting to come out of my shell.  I've decloaked on a couple of blogs and have gotten good reception. I just feel like I'm saying 'hi, I've read your blog for 5 months, I know about your cycles and I'm commenting about your interest in Pinterest' or something.  I'm not a normal human being.  I know this.  Do I have lurkers?  I'm not sure.  I think most of my audience is my family and friends.  If you're lurking, please please please feel free to un-lurk. 

In other news, I found out my Follistim may not be covered under my insurance.  With my medical insurance, I have coverage for 3 IUIs and 3 IVFs in my lifetime, so why it wouldn't be covered is a mystery to me.  We do have coverage for our prescriptions through a different carrier (do most companies do this now?) so I'm thinking that may be why.  If none of the drugs are going to be covered, I may have to make some hard decisions.  It's slightly infuriating that I may have to choose (chose?  I can never remember which one is the right spelling) between a house or a baby.  Obviously, a baby would win, but dammit.  Maybe we should wait, get a house, borrow against that and then go all IVF?  I don't know what to do.  I do know that I'll be working overtime for the foreseeable future.  This is such a crappy thing to complain about when others I know have zero coverage for infertility.

I also ovulated this past week. The only reason that's of note is because it HURT.  It was so painful, I couldn't make any magic happen, so I'll be expecting the period in two weeks time.  At least I know to expect it, right?  Right.  Sigh.

I'm going to go drown my sorrows in a cup of broccoli and cheese soup.

7 things you didn't know about me

I think you're supposed to wait until you get some sort of blogging award for this, but I'm not waiting.  My blog isn't that popular and I have no patience.  In the interest of a blog that is not centered around my ovaries, here you go.

1.  My parents died when I was 8 and 13.  My mom died first of diabetes and kidney failure, my dad died from prostate cancer.  It was just bad luck.

2.  How I met my husband:  he dated my college roommate.  I swear, it sounds worse than it is.  We think that reaction is funny when we tell people how we met (was it really or are we full of ourselves?).

3.  My cats are all named after Star Wars characters.  Please don't charge us, Mr. Lucas.  My husband plays your video games and buys enough Legos as it is.

4.  My dream car is a Honda Accord, black and a stick shift.  It's completely achievable.  Give it here.

5.  I continue to be mystified why chocolate is not it's own food group.

6.  My husband may be a chef, but I do 98% of the cooking in the Weezy household.  If you fixed computers for a living, would you want to mess with them when you got home?  I think not.

7.  I was married the day before my birthday and I'm still trying to convince my husband that it's two separate days, so I get two separate gifts.  Last year, he gave my diamond earrings.  One on my birthday, one on my anniversary.  You can see how much he's convinced!

I now bestow upon my computer friends a recipe.  It is Chicken Divan, a casserole.  It is simple, dericious (no, it's not a typo) and Mr. Weezy's childhood fav.  Allow me to list the ingredients, ahem:

• Two chicken breasts, salted and peppered to taste, cooked and cubed
• One can of Cream of Chicken soup (I usually go with 98% fat free kind..heart healthy!)
• 1/2 cup of Mayo (low fat mayo..I never said this was calorie free)
• One teaspoon of lemon juice (enough to keep the soup loose)
• One 12oz package of frozen broccoli (I use the steamers, it just saves time and dishes)
• Curry powder to taste
• 1/2 cup of cheddar cheese, grated

Weezy, how do I cook this goodness?  Slow down, child, I'm about to tell you.

•  Take your steamed broccoli, put it in the bottom of a casserole dish (whatever seems big enough for you and your family)
• Put your cubed, cooked, salted, and peppered chicken over that
• Take your Chicken soup, Mayo, lemon juice, and Curry power, mix that up until it's all nice and yummy.  Pour that over your chicken and broccoli.
• Now my favorite part, put the cheese over the sauce
• Bake this lovely thing at 350 until golden brown (usually about 30 mins or so)

We usually serve this with low fat crescents and over rice.  Everything is to taste and I swear to you, so nummy.   Behold, darlings.  Below is a before picture of The Divan.  I cannot offer you an after picture. I'm afraid that my husband eats all of it one sitting.

The Divan, you can see I use white cheddar

Step up your game, yo

The appointment with Dr. R went well.  It's nice to be on the same page, he said he was going to call for a meeting if I hadn't done it first.  Love him!  Anyway, here's what we're doing:

We're going ahead with the last IUI, but we're stepping up the game a little.  I'll be using the Femara and Ovidrel like normal, but we're adding Follistim (or Gonal F depending on which manufacturer you get it from).  What is Follistim, Weezy?  Well, my non fertility speaking computer friends, it's an injection that helps to stimulate my follicles to like actually grow an egg.  My last cycle I was on Femara and Ovidrel, like normal, but it just took forever for my eggies to grow.  So, basically, Femara pills starting on cycle day 3 thru cycle day 7, 'Stim on days 5, 7, and 9 and then Ovidrel (meds to make me ovulate at a certain time) when my eggies are 18-20cm. 

The only issue I see with this is that I'll probably have to give myself the 'stim shot instead of my husband.  He's a champion shot giver, having practiced with allergy shots on our Mara cat.  He's never overdosed me and only overdosed her once, but that's a story for another time.  Long story short, Mara's still alive.  Anyway, Dr. R showed me the needle they use for 'stim and it's tiny, thankfully.  The idea of giving myself a shot still creeps me out.

Odette (my right ovary) is still alive and well, she's just moving slow.  It's nice to know that I'm not working with only Olivia (left ovary).  Dr. R addressed my concerns about OHSS (Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome).  It sounds painful and it's more common in patients with PCOS.  Thanks, ovaries. Thanks so much.  He promised he'd do everything to prevent OHSS (although, I'm pretty sure he has to prevent it anyway).  Basically, I'll go for ultrasounds and blood tests more often with 'stim to monitor Estrogen levels and see how my follies are doing. 

I'm also pretty sure he heard my biological clock.  We told him that our niece was born the day after Christmas and yay, so exciting (not being sarcastic, seriously)!  Then he asked the first day of my cycle, I answered with Dec 27th and without missing a beat he says "Oh, the day after your niece was born.  That must've been hard."  I love this guy, he totally gets it.  I agreed that yeah, it was kinda hard and it felt like my body was giving me a big F you. 

Anyhow, my darlings.  We all agreed that if this last IUI doesn't work we're going ahead with IVF.  Hanging out in the kiddie pool of infertility has been nice, but unproductive.  The big kid pool looks inviting, but I wonder if the water is warm?

T-Minus 48 hours or something like that

My appointment with Dr. R draws ever closer.  I'm getting kind of anxious (understatement).  I can't remember all the questions I want to ask him because I don't write them all down.  I usually carry a little notebook for list making in my purse(yes, I'm that person), but it's been MIA.  It says Hope on the front of it.  If any of my coworkers have seen it, can you let me know?  Kthanx.  What if the questions are something that's super important, that could change this whole course?  I'm psyching myself out.  Breathe, just breathe.  In and out.  In and out.

In other news, Mr. Weezy and I had a nice weekend.  We had dinner with his step dad and his mother on Thursday, saw them at our monthly poker night last night and breakfast this morning.  We only get to see them about every 6 months or so, and it was a good visit, but sadly we all lost at poker.  Sad pandas.  Mr. Weezy got an awesome picture of him with his brother and father that was taken when he was little.  It was nice to see his dad's face again, definitely a sight for sore eyeballs.

So I took some medication in front of a friend this weekend and she's all "Isn't that Metformin?"  Yeah, and a prenatal vitamin.  I need it to ovulate.  She then launched into this whole lecture about how I can cure my PCOS by diet and by magic I'll have a baby.  Yes, sweet pea, a good diet does help the disorder along with weight loss.  Did you miss the last few years that have entailed losing 50 pounds and changing my diet?  Obviously so.  Seriously guys, unless you have M.D. behind your name, don't give me medical advice. I've researched my issues and have been dealing with them for almost 5 years.  Everyone has a mother's-brother's-cousin's-aunt's-uncle's-sister's-father's-neighbor's-friend that couldn't have a baby. Then that person relaxed (that's quickly becoming my least favorite word), or gave up and surprise!  They're pregnant!  Thanks, really.  I'm not that person, though.

Also, someone posted this link in my comments earlier this week, under the post before this.  I do appreciate the input. I read the article and it definitely gave me a different insight to this infertility business, but I'm also not accepting that I'll never have children (I consider adopting having children.  Just because they don't grow in you, doesn't mean they aren't your baby).  Also, living child-free is not an option for me.  Ever.  I keep saying I'll either hatch a baby or buy a baby, and that's true.  I'll get a baby, one way or the other.  Since I have enabled anonymous comments, I don't know who you were, but thank you. I mean it.  <3

I leave you on a sad note.  I'm a die hard Pittsburgh Steelers fan and they lost to the Broncos tonight.  What many of you don't know is that I live in a divided house.  That means that while I'm a Steelers fan, my husband likes anyone that beats them.  He's the worst kind of fan...a fair weather fan.  Anyway.  I'm sure he'll be gloating his way around the house when he gets home from Casa de Noodle.  Fellow Steelers fans, please email your sympathies.  *tear*

I'm rambling here, just please go with me.

I got to hold my niece for the first time on Tuesday.  It was fantastic.  I held her for about 30 minutes and she slept the whole time with her little tootsies sticking straight out.  So stinkin cute. How could you not love that kiddo?  You can't help yourself, I promise you.  I know...I whined and fretted so much about how it was going to be when she was born.  I can't help but fret about the unknown...it's my nature. I worry.  If I can't plan, I worry...a lot. 

That brings me to Tuesday, January 10th.  Instead of holding my beloved niece, I'll be back up in stirrups with Mr. Wandy, trying to figure out the game plan.  Yay.  I can hardly wait.  Oh, I'm sorry, did you step in the sarcasm puddle?  My apologies.  I keep asking myself...how the eff did I get here?  How did it come to pass that I have to see a doctor to get pregnant and carry a baby?  There's probably about a million different little things that I did to encourage this infertility, but I can't think of them.  Or maybe I didn't do anything and this was going to happen one way or another.  Well...that's shit.  Just shit.  There's gotta be a reason, right?  Maybe it's the fact that my mom was diabetic with me (not type 2, type 1.  The kind you had to take insulin with, since she was 13).  That's some hard stuff to deal with.  But she dealt with it and came out with two babies. I can do it too.....right?  Maybe I was too fat for a short period of time (I lost 50 pounds after I got married.  Can I get a high five, y'all) and that screwed me all kinds of up.

So.  I'm sort of angry that I'm in this place, instead of having a nice easy time getting pregnant and staying pregnant.  I'm fretting that I can't control everything that Dr. R does.  I hate my body for going haywire and now I have these retarded super awesome ovaries that pump out all kinds of hormones.  But I guess all infertiles hate where they are.  At what point does acceptance come?  Sigh.

Now, if you'll forgive me, I have to go shove a pill down a cat's throat.  Toodles.