Focusing on the positive

I've been struggling with thoughts of my sister lately.  If we're going to be really honest, I have trouble reconciling the facts that I know about my sister's life with the sister that I knew when I was younger.  She was eight, almost nine years older than me.  She had a completely different take on our parents than I did, but she spent a lot more time with both of them, which is good and bad.  She had the strong positive influence of my mother, but she also bore the brunt of my father's anger.  Things were very screwed up in our household for such a long time, she could never recover from it.

My earliest memory is that of my sister.  We were at this Ol.an Mills photo shoot, you know the kind.  Your parents stick you in these dresses that you wouldn't have worn willingly and expect you to smile. Anyway, I remember being freaked out because no one was with me during my solo pictures.  I have always been a very social person, I don't do alone very well.  I was screaming, afraid of the photographer and no one could calm me down. My sister finally came over and pulled me onto her lap and I remember feeling safe.  She was there.  Everything would be ok.  They were never able to get a picture of me by myself.  .

Things changed when we got older.  She was physically abused, and gave it back to me.  That kind of stuff can change a person.  She never got over my mother's death and actually believed the horrible things my father said.  I always chose not to believe him and I would escape to my best friend's house.  After our father died, I was able to leave Pennsylvania and get some therapy.  I grew up. I'm not sure she was emotionally ready to be an adult, but she was forced into it..  She so desperately wanted to be nurtured and cared for, I'm sorry I couldn't do that after I got back into contact with her.

My sister was many things to many people.  I'm going to choose to remember the comfort that she gave me in that photo shoot and after our mother died.  I can't focus on what I didn't do for her. 

Below is a picture from that photo shoot.  I look just like my mother and she favored my father's side.  I think I was three and she was 12 or so.  My mom dressed me in pink.  I hate pink.