Bottling up time

Do you ever have those days where you want to bottle up your feelings of love and appreciation and just generally feeling special?  Yeah. Yesterday was one of those days for me.  Husband and I set out on a project to paint our master bathroom.  Our bathroom is not very big, but Husband was sweating and I think we unlocked some pretty serious DIY skills in his catalog.  It took him all of two hours to paint, but I felt so special.  This is my Christmas gift. 

Very vanilla, no?

All the same color

All put together!

 So that's my new bathroom.  We still have to get a new vanity, but we just didn't have the extra cash flow.  One thing at a time, yes?

So I still very much feel like I want to bottle up my time with Husband.  We're in a good place.  I'm not afraid of IVFest 2014, but I'm feeling apprehensive.  I'm scared I'm going to be crazy and we'll fight.  Fertility drugs make me crazy, but Husband says he can't think of a time where he's had to walk away....there is that, I guess  I want things to remain calm and collected. 

I feel like I'm about to walk off a cliff without being sure of the bottom.  Has anyone else felt that way?  I wish there some guarantees in life.

Anyhow...that's how I feel.  If I don't speak with you, Merry Christmas to you and yours, computer friends.  Xoxo

Sunshine

I've been nominated for a Sunshine aware by one of my favorite bloggers.  I feel so special *blush*.  I won't use her name because honestly, I'm not gonna put someone out there like that. But go give her some love at Hidden.  I read her blog and look forward to her comments so much.  Muchas gracias for the nomination!  <3

Here are her questions:

1.  What are the top 3 things on your bucket list?

• Watch a Red Sox game at Fenway
• See all of the lighthouses on the East coast
• Make it to wine country in Cali

 2.  Post 5 of your wedding pictures (that's more of a command, btw).  Ok..so a note before my wedding pictures:  I was 50 pounds heavier and forgot to wax my eyebrows.  You have been warned.

My uncle T walking me down the aisle

The cake!  We each had one bite...one.

He wanted to shove cake in my face.  My answer was hell no

So we like cigars

My brother in law, giving his toast

3.  If you could change your name what would you change it to (first and/or last)?

• That's the thing.....my last name is cool.  I wouldn't change.  It's an animal that howls at the moon.  Awwwwwwooooooooooo!

4.  If you were stuck on a deserted island and could have 5 things, what would they be?

• A toothbrush
• Toothpaste (seriously, dental hygiene is important)
• Andrew
• My digi cam, I need pics
•  Lotion (both sun and regular.  I have lizard skin.  That  counts as one.  I have lizard skin. Don't judge)

 5.  What is the happiest moment in your life so far?  My wedding day  *tear*

6.  What are your pet peeves?  Something or things that really make you squirm?  I absolutely hate it when people lick their fingers instead of using the napkin provided.  Also, please don't touch your eyes.  Gross.  Please do not jiggle the seat when sitting down, you're just pissing me off

7.  What is your biggest fear, besides not getting pregnant or having kids?  Dying before I know my kid(s)

8.  Did you ever have a nightmare date and/or break up with a non-serious boyfriend?  (Someone with whom you dated but not seriously.)  I'm boring, so no.  Husband is my third boyfriend.  I mean.....it only took three tries to find perfection (ha..ha..ha)

9.  What do you think is the biggest problem in the world today?  There is not middle ground.  You're either conservative or liberal.  You either support this or not.  The world is not black and white.  There has to be room for both sides to hear each other.  Don't even get me started on politics.  Don't.even.

10.  Describe your dream vacation.  I'm not picky.  I want my husband there, a beach has to be involved.  No boats since I get super seasick.  Are drinks with umbrellas involved?  I want that please.


So.  That's my list.  I'm supposed to pick other bloggers to receive this award, but if I'm being honest, I'm way too lazy for that.  If you're reading this and I follow you........you have received this award.  I'm also to come up with questions, but I'm just going to pick what I've been asked.  If it's all the same to you, keep it moving forward.

Smooches!

Date results

We jumped straight into it.  Had a nice chat with a new nurse who asked why we were there.  Umm.  Seriously?  To have a kid, duh.  Visited with Dr. R who got all up and personal with an ultrasound and regular exam.  No, I haven't checked for ovulation in the last year...but I mean, my boobs hurt every month.  Doesn't that count for something?  Bad infertile, bad, bad.  I thought I didn't HAVE to check for ovulation.  We are also good candidates for ICSI, which amazes Husband.  Our baby to be, the little science experiment.

Husband and I both had blood work done, all has come back fine so far.  He had an analysis done, his boys are fine.  I had a camera shoved up into my innards to show that there is no scar tissue in the uterus.  My only thought during the whole procedure was 'Wow, it really is all pink inside."  Completely inappropriate.  It was such a weird, crampy experience.  Later that night we went to an IVF seminar in which a heavily accented doctor explained the IVF process.  Most of it I already knew, but I did not know that ICSI was discovered by accident.  Did y'all know that?  I think ICSI is kinda cool. 

We still have some finances to figure out.  Even though insurance will cover most of the procedure, we'll still need to come up with copays and money for drugs.  I'm not sure yet what my protocol will be as I'm on cycle day 8.  We're waiting on cycle day 2 labs, so that will be after the first of the year.  At least I get to enjoy the holidays.

How do I feel? For the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful that we'll have a baby.  It felt strange being back in the office, I had a little bit of anxiety.  So many emotions, such little time.  I leave you with pictures of how we do Christmas, Aayla cat is the bonus.  Bottoms up for a blastocyst!

It's a date!

Since my previous post was all sappy and long winded, I'll keep this short and sweet.  Our resume appointment with Dr. R is on Tuesday, Dec 10th.  I feel....ok about all this.  I'm, anticipating a lot of tests and blood draws, hopefully no exploratory surgery for scar tissue.  When I started this blog, I was in a why me place.  Now I just feel this is what I have to do hatch (yeah, I said it)  a kid, so what?  Nothing else about my life has been routine, so why shouldn't this be the same?  Y'all take the short way, I apparently enjoy the scenic route. 

It's chilly for the central FL, it only got up to 68 degrees today.  I'm sorry it snowed up north (only sort of sorry, you choose to live there), but 68 degrees means I can finally wear boots.  I am so excited for the fashion possibilities. 

Also, we have a new to us wine fridge.  Husband got it from his step-mom (Hi, we love you!).  It's been joyous, we just have to fill it up.  So excited for that. 

Until next time, my friends.  Keep on plugging away  :)

A letter to my Uncle T

I've debated about writing this, but I'm sure you all can grant me a bit of free speech, no?  The holidays are coming up and I miss my uncle something fierce. Some know, but many do not that my parents died when I was young.  My mother died when I was eight, my father died when I was 13.  It was a poor stroke of luck.  I moved from Pittsburgh to Atlanta to live with my uncle, my mother's brother.  He was a life long bachelor.  The road was bumpy, but well loved.  The following is a letter from me to Uncle T.

My dearest Uncle T,
My first memory of you involves M&Ms.  You were so tall and so big, I ran and hid behind Mom. You eventually won me over with the M's and a chocolate Easter bunny.  I remember telling my mom "he's nice, he gave me chocolate".  Little did I know that you change my life.

I came to you after a stormy five years between parents.  I was desperate for calm waters, and you were exactly that.  I needed comforting, calm, quiet.  You were so generous and kind, I didn't know how to deal with that.  You loved me without expecting anything back, just like a parent should.  When I screwed up-let's be honest, it was a lot- you were firm, but never, ever mean.  When you saw that I was struggling, you stopped traveling for me.  FOR ME.  You probably could've gotten a lot further in your career had you taken all of those road trips.

Remember my first prom?  You said I couldn't have that super pretty dress because all the boys would look at me and you would go to jail, but you bought it anyway.  Remember teaching me how to drive...yeah, I'm sorry about those scratches on the Caddy.  That's what you get for parking out in the driveway, though.  I still can't back up well, thanks.  Oh, and remember the neighbor that said my friends and I were driving through his yard?  He shouldn't have lived on that wicked bend, that's his fault.  And really, when he put that rock there it just gave us an obstacle course.

When I just HAD to leave home and be on my own, you never made me stay. You encouraged me to get out and stand on my own feet, but you always had your door open.  I was always welcome to come home.  Then I met Andrew and  you just scared him to death.  I think he threw up every day of that vacation.  When we got married, you were so proud to walk me down the aisle.  You almost seemed surprised that I asked you, but really.  You were my father, how could I not give you that honor?  The letter you wrote after our wedding, I wish I had kept it.  It makes me cry today.  To hear that you were proud of me, that I had done well in your eyes.  That meant the world.

Now that you're gone, I feel like a ship without its compass.  I have no direction.  I know I am loved by many, but I can no longer feel YOUR love and that's what I want.  I belonged with you, but now I don't belong.  I guess it's all about adjusting, just like you said.  I can hear your voice, you tell me to relax, it'll be ok.  Or you say my favorite line, just keep plugging away.  I miss you more than I could ever put into words.  Sometimes I call your phone, just to hear your voice on the voicemail message.  Remember the terrible towel you bought me during our last trip to Pittsburgh?  I sleep with that, just to have you near me. 

To say thank you for taking a crazy 13 year old in would just not do it justice.  You changed my life.  You made the person I am today.  I love you.  I miss you.  Until we meet again, T. D.  There is no crying in baseball.

Update that's not really an update

Things are pretty much status quo.  My RE's doctor called me to schedule an appointment only to be like ohhhh, oops, November is completely full.  We'll call you when December's schedule opens up.  Really.  Don't call me until you're ready to schedule an appointment, thanks.  That was a week and a half ago..I'm going to call them on Monday and touch base.  I'm trying to stay relaxed, but I can already feel a little anxiety building.  Wooosa.  Woooooooooooosa. 

Also, our insurance plans changed at work.  Thankfully the premium plan covers IVF, but holy crap it's expensive.  Gotta do what ya gotta do, right? I will not complain about having IVF coverage through insurance when most people don't.  I will, however, complain about how my prescription plan doesn't cover jack shit of the prescriptions.  Really.  How you gonna play me like that!

What else?  Husband got the flu and I gloated about not getting sick, so of course the flu germs were all like we've got your number, lady.  He was sick for a week and then I was sick for a week.  I found out yesterday that he got his brother sick as well.  If you're going to get the flu, might as well share it I guess. 

This week's adventure was my sweet baby cat Jaina.  She's one of those cats that never misses a meal and is very, very lovey to anyone with hands.  On Monday she didn't eat dinner,  and on Tuesday she was breathing very heavily, so off to the vet we go.  The initial exam showed an upper respiratory infection, but by the afternoon her breathing didn't get any better and I took her back for some expensive xrays.  Long story short, she contracted pneumonia from possible aspiration on vomit.  Mmm, how's that dinner taste?  After a couple of days in the kitty hospital, she's home and back to her hungry self.  I'm super eagle eye mom on her breathing, and I almost had Husband take her in this morning to get checked.  He had a nice check yo'self before you wreck yo'self conversation with me today.  I'm a concerned parent, he's being calm and observant. 

Sooo...I'm still anticipating not seeing Dr. R until after the New Year.  He's wicked popular and was actually a director of fertility care up at a certain gator university.  He started this practice with another doctor, but left his spot at the university to give us infertile folk babies.  I'm looking forward to seeing him, even though it does mean injections and many ultrasounds.  Until then, I'm going to continue enjoying my wine.  I leave you with a crazy cat, not mine.  Credit to whomever it belongs to.  Until next time, my friends.  Xoxo

Is this thing on?

Hi.  How are you?  Miss me?  Miss you more.  If anyone still reads this, thank you!  I've gone back to mostly lurking.  I know who's having babies..myself, I'm still as barren as the day is long.  For now, that's ok.  Maybe I needed a break after going pretty hard at babies for most of my marriage.  I just wanted time to enjoy Husband, which I have.  It's nice not having reproduction hanging over our heads.  Husband and I are doing well.  I'd apologize for the bullet points, but we all know I love a list.  Allow me to bring you up to date from the last long forgotten blog.

• January-March:  Nothing to scream about except an HOA that is up my ass about weeds in my yard.  Really?  Have they ever LIVED in Florida?
• April:  We have a wicked awesome vacation in St Augustine.  We stay riverfront at the Hil.ton, across from the fort.  Four days after we get back, Husband is burned by boiling water down his entire right arm.  It is wickedly painful, he passes out, sees a burn specialist that says it's deep second degree burn, and is out of work for three weeks.  He now has a scar that looks a little bit like a St.ar Wa.r.s tattoo, which is fitting.
• May-June:  Husband is increasingly unhappy at the Noodle Factory.  I am status quo in my job, gotta keep the benefits.  End of June, Husband leaves the Noodle Factory for a fast casual Taco Factory.  Think Mo.e's, but better.  Fresher, with limes. 
• July:  Husband starts training for new management job at the Taco, but that means he's gone for a month down in South Florida.  We saw Dave Matth.ews Band in Tampa, visited each other.  I did not cut the grass while he was gone.  Screw you, HOA. 
• August:  We get letters from the HOA, saying cut the grass or ELSE.  Husband cuts the grass as soon as he gets home, clogging the lawn mower.  I laugh.  We are happy, back together.  Mid-August, my uncle dies.  This is not just any uncle, folks.  He's the one that raised me after my parents died, so this is devastation.  Up to Atl.anta we go, say goodbye and Husband is home in time to start opening a new Taco. 
• September:  Adjusting to my new normal without my uncle.  Feeling very alone, even though I logically know I am not alone.  I struggle to sleep most of September, get bronchitis and Husband's new Taco place opens.
• October:  Still adjusting, but another family member dies early in the month.  Back up north I go to say goodbye and this dance is all too familiar.  We buy a new couch.  Then a new truck for Husband.  Word to the wise, my computer friends.  Never say "Babe, I have the checkbook in case we fall in love with something" when en route to the dealership.  I think he was in love before we ever pulled into the lot.  Oy.

So that brings us current.  Husband says this vehicle is his dream, so may he keep the 2014 Tacoma dream for the next 10 years, at least.  Fertility wise, we have shifted plans.  In light of being the last of my family left, we are going to give IVF a shot (get it, a shot).  The world without a bit of my uncle's DNA and smiling eyes would be a sad place, and I just can't let that happen.  I call the RE this week, but anticipate having to wait until the new year for an appointment. 

Cheers to you and yours, my friends. 

Excuse me, I'm rambling.

I've been going back and forth on whether or not I should post this.  Right now, I'm at the eff it point, so I will post.  Five years ago yesterday, I experienced what was my first miscarriage.  I know this because it was exactly a week before Husband's birthday and I had the pleasure of watching the Austr.alian.Op.en  at 3am until the drugs kicked in and I was taken to surgery (also my first D&C).

Here are things that I remember from that day:

• Cramping and bleeding, alot
• Watching Federerererererererer play while on pain meds.  Oh boy!
• Trying to hold my husband's hand all the way into the waiting area for surgery while crying and snotting all over myself. Now that I think about it, I'm afraid it was brother in law's hand.  Either way, he was fabulous.
• Coming out of surgery and Husband telling me it was nice to see me smile while I was eating jello.  Under normal circumstances, I hate jello but anesthesia and more pain meds will make you enjoy things you've never enjoyed before.

I wish we could say we had a baby that was running around, but my womb is as barren as the day is long.  I wish I had something eloquent to say, but I'm fresh out. 

Five years later and this part of my heart is still an open wound.  Is it ever not?  Bah.

Update on the house:

We have a working porch light and doorbell.  We have cleaned off the back porch and I intend on calling a spa repair place tomorrow.  Things are mostly good.  Yesterday just threw me for a loop.

Love to you all!
B