It's in there. One tiny nugget, just pitter pattering away. MB's heartbeat was at 130 and measured exactly seven weeks. I started out the appointment crying because I was sure MB was gone. I do this, convince myself of the worst in order to avoid the fall. Clearly, I was wrong. The appointment ended with Husband crying and me sitting there in shock. Holy shit. A heartbeat and a normal embryo.
I have another ultrasound next Thursday and then I'm released to my regular OB. I don't want to be released. Can't Dr. R deliver the baby himself? I'm sure sure he knows how.
So anyway. That was my day. I'm off to nap! Xoxo
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Word vomit and anxiety
Apologies for the additional silence. I've been struck with horrible morning sickness that has lasted all day, every day. Today was the first day that I've kept more than one meal down since Friday. I'm very thankful for several doses of B6 and ginger ale. I've never had morning sickness before, maybe it's a good thing? I'm hopeful that it's under control now.
Other than that, things have been quiet over the last week. As far as I know, I'm still pregnant and things are trucking along. My ultrasound anxiety is slowly ratcheting up. I'm genuinely afraid that something is going to be wrong. I'm afraid of not seeing MB in there, or the deafening silence of no heartbeat. Someone talk me off this what if ledge, I'm pretty far out there. I feel like I won't be able to breathe until I know one way or the other.
See? I'm freaking out. I'm going crazy. Husband tells me to trust the process, but it's hard when your body constantly fails you. Ugg. I hate feeling this way. Over the next 36 hours, I vow to stay busy. Clean the the house, make dinner, take lots of naps. Hell, I may even make cookies.... provided I don't vomit.
Other than that, things have been quiet over the last week. As far as I know, I'm still pregnant and things are trucking along. My ultrasound anxiety is slowly ratcheting up. I'm genuinely afraid that something is going to be wrong. I'm afraid of not seeing MB in there, or the deafening silence of no heartbeat. Someone talk me off this what if ledge, I'm pretty far out there. I feel like I won't be able to breathe until I know one way or the other.
See? I'm freaking out. I'm going crazy. Husband tells me to trust the process, but it's hard when your body constantly fails you. Ugg. I hate feeling this way. Over the next 36 hours, I vow to stay busy. Clean the the house, make dinner, take lots of naps. Hell, I may even make cookies.... provided I don't vomit.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Paranoia
Can you say PTSD? Yesterday my boobs didn't hurt quite as badly, so I immediately went into damage control mode. I checked like crazy to see if I was bleeding (no) and symptom spotted throughout the day. Nausea? Yes, a little bit. But was it as much as previous days? I don't know. Then I would panic because I wasn't sure if my symptoms were going away, which means MB isn't making it. OMG, I spent the day in a fit. Not good. I woke up this morning and my boobs are back in town along with some nausea and intense hunger (it's a delicate balance).
When were able to start trying after our first miscarriage, I cried the entire day the doctor gave me the all clear. THE ENTIRE DAY. I cried through lunch, through grocery shopping, everything. I was so afraid I would be one of those women that has many miscarriages before having a baby. I was scared of getting pregnant again, because now I knew that things don't work out so easily. But then I became a woman with RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss), and even though it was hell, I survived. I try to act unaffected, like I'm not all in this process, but the truth is that I'm already attached to MB. Maybe I just need to have a little (dare I say it) faith in the process and that things may work out. We're certainly off to a good start...right?
Today I'm six weeks, which is wild. This is when most women find out that they're pregnant, yet I've known for the better part of two weeks. I'm not bleeding, I'm having some pregnancy symptoms. The only aversion that seems to be popping up is to tomatoes. I've never been a huge fan of tomatoes, but now I can't stand the taste or the texture. So.gross. I'm craving spicy foods at the moment, but the desire for a cheeseburger is in the background. I still have to take it easy on carbs due to OHSS. Last night I had some potatoes with dinner and I'm not in pain, so maybe I can start testing the waters.
Our first ultrasound is in eight days. I'm already nervous. Keep your fingers crossed for a heartbeat! Xoxo
When were able to start trying after our first miscarriage, I cried the entire day the doctor gave me the all clear. THE ENTIRE DAY. I cried through lunch, through grocery shopping, everything. I was so afraid I would be one of those women that has many miscarriages before having a baby. I was scared of getting pregnant again, because now I knew that things don't work out so easily. But then I became a woman with RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss), and even though it was hell, I survived. I try to act unaffected, like I'm not all in this process, but the truth is that I'm already attached to MB. Maybe I just need to have a little (dare I say it) faith in the process and that things may work out. We're certainly off to a good start...right?
Today I'm six weeks, which is wild. This is when most women find out that they're pregnant, yet I've known for the better part of two weeks. I'm not bleeding, I'm having some pregnancy symptoms. The only aversion that seems to be popping up is to tomatoes. I've never been a huge fan of tomatoes, but now I can't stand the taste or the texture. So.gross. I'm craving spicy foods at the moment, but the desire for a cheeseburger is in the background. I still have to take it easy on carbs due to OHSS. Last night I had some potatoes with dinner and I'm not in pain, so maybe I can start testing the waters.
Our first ultrasound is in eight days. I'm already nervous. Keep your fingers crossed for a heartbeat! Xoxo
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Pre..Preg...Pregna...I can't say it
Sorry for the silence, friends. Let it be known that OHSS will kick your ass for the better part of two weeks and you do NOT need to push yourself. Three days in, I was thinking I could go back to work. Wrong. So wrong. My plans of working were replaced by much resting in bed, many liters of water, a million protein shakes, and 56,984 daily naps. I'm finally back to work and am able to breathe and move around without pain. Taking a deep breath is glorious.
So with all that, I'm decidedly pregn..pregnant. I can barely type it and I stumble over saying it to people. I'm not bleeding and all signs are pointing to something being in there and growing. I have delightful queasiness throughout the day, a tiny bit of cramping, and the boobs are sore. I have interesting veins crisscrossing and it seems like they've gone up in size in the last week. Helloooooooo pregnancy boobs! Where you been all my life? I seem to have developed a little pooch, but I'm assuming it's leftover bloat from OHSS. That or I'm fat because I'm hungry ALL OF THE TIME (do you have pizza?). I've never been the skinniest girl, mind you. But I've been the same size for about 4 years and now I need a belly band to comfortably wear my jeans. Self esteem...so high.
Here are some particulars:
First beta came in at 42. I panicked because OMG, that is low. Nurse realized we were tested 9 days after transfer, she said we just needed to watch it. I will test until the HCG level reaches 100. Progesterone is 80.
Second beta comes in at 83. Hmm. So we're in doubling ballpark, ok. Something might be happening in there. Progesterone still in the 80s. Day 11, post transfer.
Third beta jumps up to 214, this is day 13 post transfer. Something is obviously cooking. Progesterone in the low 90s.
We have an ultrasound on the 27th to see if something's in there. I'll be 7 weeks on the 25th, according to the doctor. I have no idea how they figure this because the last time I had a period, it was January 2nd. Or something like that. I'm still a little concerned that my betas were so low, but I don't know. I had a good jump and my doctor didn't seem to be concerned. Should I follow his lead?
I've never had an ultrasound with a heartbeat. That little detail seems elusive. But hey, I'm not bleeding, which means I've made it further than my last two pregnancies. Small miracles, people.
Hopefully I didn't jinx anything. I'm going to go find some food. Xoxo
So with all that, I'm decidedly pregn..pregnant. I can barely type it and I stumble over saying it to people. I'm not bleeding and all signs are pointing to something being in there and growing. I have delightful queasiness throughout the day, a tiny bit of cramping, and the boobs are sore. I have interesting veins crisscrossing and it seems like they've gone up in size in the last week. Helloooooooo pregnancy boobs! Where you been all my life? I seem to have developed a little pooch, but I'm assuming it's leftover bloat from OHSS. That or I'm fat because I'm hungry ALL OF THE TIME (do you have pizza?). I've never been the skinniest girl, mind you. But I've been the same size for about 4 years and now I need a belly band to comfortably wear my jeans. Self esteem...so high.
Here are some particulars:
First beta came in at 42. I panicked because OMG, that is low. Nurse realized we were tested 9 days after transfer, she said we just needed to watch it. I will test until the HCG level reaches 100. Progesterone is 80.
Second beta comes in at 83. Hmm. So we're in doubling ballpark, ok. Something might be happening in there. Progesterone still in the 80s. Day 11, post transfer.
Third beta jumps up to 214, this is day 13 post transfer. Something is obviously cooking. Progesterone in the low 90s.
We have an ultrasound on the 27th to see if something's in there. I'll be 7 weeks on the 25th, according to the doctor. I have no idea how they figure this because the last time I had a period, it was January 2nd. Or something like that. I'm still a little concerned that my betas were so low, but I don't know. I had a good jump and my doctor didn't seem to be concerned. Should I follow his lead?
I've never had an ultrasound with a heartbeat. That little detail seems elusive. But hey, I'm not bleeding, which means I've made it further than my last two pregnancies. Small miracles, people.
Hopefully I didn't jinx anything. I'm going to go find some food. Xoxo
Friday, March 7, 2014
Positive
The title says it all. It's only 9 days post transfer, so let's not get ahead of ourselves. Husband and I are cautiously optimistic, but we're off to a good start.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Monday with Mara
Monday with Mara is on hiatus since I'm in pain. Lots of fluid in my belly and around my kidneys. Bedrest for a week and massive amounts of protein are prescribed. Until next time... Xoxo
Sunday, March 2, 2014
The friend I never wanted to meet
OHSS. I'll be damned, I thought I had it licked. I started feeling uncomfortable on Thursday, noticed a swollen belly yesterday and today it's even bigger. So hot. It hurts to lay down, sit up, stand up straight and the seatbelt on the drive home is uncomfortable.
My blogging bff Heidi likes a silver lining, so this one's for you. The on call doctor said that if ohss appears this late in the game, I have a greater than 50% chance of being the p-word. Don't say it. Just think it.
Right now I'm downing fluids and will be seeing my RE tomorrow without a doubt. I'm stoked... Don't step in the puddle of sarcasm.
Until I can fit into regular pants again... Xoxo
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