Paranoia

Can you say PTSD?  Yesterday my boobs didn't hurt quite as badly, so I immediately went into damage control mode.  I checked like crazy to see if I was bleeding (no) and symptom spotted throughout the day.  Nausea?  Yes, a little bit.  But was it as much as previous days? I don't know.  Then I would panic because I wasn't sure if my symptoms were going away, which means MB isn't making it.  OMG, I spent the day in a fit.  Not good.  I woke up this morning and my boobs are back in town along with some nausea and intense hunger (it's a delicate balance).

When were able to start trying after our first miscarriage, I cried the entire day the doctor gave me the all clear.  THE ENTIRE DAY.  I cried through lunch, through grocery shopping, everything.  I was so afraid I would be one of those women that has many miscarriages before having a baby.  I was scared of getting pregnant again, because now I knew that things don't work out so easily.  But then I became a woman with RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss), and even though it was hell, I survived. I try to act unaffected, like I'm not all in this process, but the truth is that I'm already attached to MB.  Maybe I just need to have a little (dare I say it) faith in the process and that things may work out.  We're certainly off to a good start...right?

Today I'm six weeks, which is wild.  This is when most women find out that they're pregnant, yet I've known for the better part of two weeks.  I'm not bleeding, I'm having some pregnancy symptoms.  The only aversion that seems to be popping up is to tomatoes.  I've never been a huge fan of tomatoes, but now I can't stand the taste or the texture.  So.gross.  I'm craving spicy foods at the moment, but the desire for a cheeseburger is in the background.  I still have to take it easy on carbs due to OHSS.  Last night I had some potatoes with dinner and I'm not in pain, so maybe I can start testing the waters. 

Our first ultrasound is in eight days.  I'm already nervous.  Keep your fingers crossed for a heartbeat!  Xoxo