Cinco

I dreamed of my Uncle T the other night. I haven't dreamed of him since he died.  I have one sided conversations with him a lot, mostly when I'm driving. When I need a little extra support, I tell him I need him with me.  The dream wasn't anything earth shattering, it was just me going into his house and getting a gigantic hug from him.  I could smell his smell (usually a mixture of sweat and mint from his chewing tobacco), feel his beard.  I heard his voice tell me that he missed me and I felt his arms wrap around me in the hug, but most importantly I felt his love and his never ending support wash over me.  I woke up from dream in the middle of the hug, and I could still feel him around me.  I felt so reassured and so loved for the rest of the day  It was a nice check in from him.

Don't go thinking I'm one of those hokey, find a meaning in any dream people.  I'm probably one of the more logical women out there and I specifically don't look for signs from the other side.  I do, however, like to think that love always finds a way back into life.  My uncle and I were certainly connected and it's nice to think that he'd find a way to check in every now and again. 

I was going through some things yesterday and found a pregnancy test, so being the infertile I am I thought 'Better not waste this sucker.'  So I peed and...newsflash, that line was dark as hell and I'm still pregnant.  It's nice to have some reassurance, no?  I've spent most of the last week in a haze of exhaustion and nausea.  Sunday and Monday nights were really rough getting a couple hours of sleep because I was up and down being sick.  Side note, I like to think of myself as a clean person.  Some would go so far as to say a cleaning nazi.  You never realize how many spots you miss on your toilet until you're puking, which makes me want to puke more.  First world problems.  Anyway, I think I've finally found a good balance between B6, ginger drops (like cough drops, but ginger) and unisom at night to help me sleep (unisom and B6 are on my safe for pregnancy list, don't freak out).  Last night I slept 10 hours straight, so I can't complain.

We have our first ultrasound tomorrow.  I'm a little nervous, I'm not going to lie, but I don't feel super anxious about this.  I can't change what's already in there, dead or alive, so I'm just along for the ride.  FYI, we're calling this pregnancy Cinco because...well, it's the fifth and we've already had an MB.  I feel like it's bad luck to use the same name over again. 

I'll let you all know how the ultrasound goes.  If you want to send some good thoughts around 2pm, that would be appreciated.  Every little bit helps.  Xoxo

What had happened was...

Sometimes life gives you lemons.  So what do you do?  You make lemonade, obviously.  But then you get some vodka, spike that shit, have a good night with your husband and then you get this:

Oops

Yeah.  We apparently had fun on our break after my last period.  My first reaction was one of illiteracy because I had to have Husband read it to me.  I haven't had a positive test on my own in five years.  It only took three IUIs and one IVF, but here we are.  Talk about taking the long way around. We were on a break, being normal.  Don't even say I relaxed.  I've spent five years relaxing.  Oy.

Let's get some particulars out of the way:

• Last period 5/26..Happy Memorial Day
• I'm considered 5 weeks, three days today
• First beta was 650 (beta hcg, the blood pregnancy test for those that don't know)
• Second beta was today, came in at 1372 (clearly something is growing)
• Current symptoms include extreme exhaustion, motion sickness and general all day nausea.  I thought I was coming down with the stomach flu originally, but realized I was five days late, so I tested instead.

Surprise, surprise I guess.  I have pretty mixed emotions at the moment.  I'm flabbergasted that this actually happened, bummed I can't be normal for DMB and holy crap scared because this is way too soon after MB.  We make plans and God laughs, right?

Until next time, guys.  I need a nap.  Xoxo