I've been stewing on this for a few days, trying to figure out if I was going to give this woman the traffic she doesn't deserve. Mel said it best when she wrote that this should be a pain campfire and not the pain olympics. If you don't feel like clicking on those links, all good. The woman posted about how miscarriage is nothing at close to baby death. She is entitled to her opinion, however stupid I think it is. That is my opinion. Mel is the blogger I would like to be when I grow up. While I don't know her personally, I admire her.
Here's the deal, folks. I've had three miscarriages. There is no way in hell that you are going to tell me that the grief that I felt and still deal with is unfounded. I am not mourning a dream, I am mourning the children that came out of me. To imply that women should somehow take comfort in the fact that it wasn't a real baby is preposterous. Four years ago, if you would've told the 26 year old Beth that was standing over the toilet in the hospital, looking at the fetus that had just kerplunked out of her with a rush of blood that the pain she was feeling wasn't real, she would've taken you out right there. I'm sorry for the image, but dammit.
I've mourned all the miscarriages. Yes, I've mourned the hopes and dreams for those babies, but I also mourn the souls that I will never get to know. I mourn the hair I won't be able to brush, the snotty nose I can't wipe, the hugs I can't give. I mourn that I never got to see their faces and they never knew how much their Dad and I love them. That shit is real, it's not a dream or a hope. To have someone minimize that is hurtful and cruel.
Y'all, pain is pain. Devastation is devastation. Loss is loss and mine runs deep. It's not my place to judge your reaction to loss. However, it is my place to offer love and support when you need it. It's my place to help pick the pieces of your heart back up and put them together because I needed someone to do it for me. I've been there. I've had days when I can't get out of bed because, well shit, what's the point if my baby is gone?
I've lost both of my parents and my sister. Does this somehow make me an expert on grief and loss? Absolutely not. Was my father's death any less devastating than my mother's or sister's? Eh, no it was just different. Just because it's different doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
All I have to say to that woman is to mind her own business.
Happy Easter. I turn 31 in a week. I like cupcakes.
BRAVO! Well done. Well said. You are my hero. Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteHigh five! How are you feeling?
DeleteThank you for sharing this. I agree. I went over, read the article and left my own comment, I'll share it with you below.
ReplyDeleteCrystal Bernard says:
Your comment is awaiting moderation.
April 8, 2012 at 5:48 pm
I can understand your reasons for this post and I understand what you mean, but your own language toward those who have miscarried and the way they perceive their feeling of loss, is just as frustrating.
I get that having a “live” baby and losing it is different than losing a 10 week pregnancy. My key word was “different” meaning that like many have said – pain is different, but in all, it is still pain.
I my self have suffered 3 losses, I have struggled with infertility for the last 7 years. My last miscarriage at 10 weeks was the most devastating thing I’ve ever been through, it was 5 months ago, I will mourn my loss when June comes… my due date. We fought 5 years for that pregnancy, we saw and heard the heartbeat, we thought we were going to get a “live” baby in the end. Our “idea of a baby” was real, more real than you or anyone else could say. We worked hard to create something when the odds were fully stacked against us. We tried and gave so much, only to have it ripped from our minds and hearts. Sadly we were left with empty arms, broken hearts and months of pain to wade through on our own. When you lose a live baby, people acknowledge that loss, they rally around you in support. When you lose that 10 week, 20 week pregnancy people say their sorry and a week or two later it’s as if nothing ever happened, people expect you to move right along, it is not always that easy. There is a difference between the type of pain one feels after losing a pregnancy and losing a live baby… Neither is desirable.
I think the reason so many are upset with your post is, because you just did to them what the rest of the world does to woman when they have a miscarriage. You made them feel like it didn’t matter… I feel a great deal of sadness for any woman who losses a child, whether it be 10 weeks, 22 weeks, 22 months old or 22 years old. People have to feel their pain regardless of how anyone else thinks they should feel it.
What a fabulous response. You said everything I wanted to say, but better!
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DeleteCan I get an AMEN?! Great post! I admire YOU.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I had to get that off my chest. Excited for your new bathroom!
Delete*I meant to put my comment here, rather than above...*I decided not to read the original post you are talking about...By your response here, I am guessing it would leave me fuming. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks over five years ago, and I am still mourning my little one who would have been 5 this June. Thinking of you!
ReplyDelete<3 To say that the grief over a miscarriage should be less than that of a 7 year old or whatever is ridiculous. It's a loss. My losses and grief is not any different than yours.
DeleteIf I had stayed pregnant that first time, the baby would be 5 in August. 5! Boggles my mind.
I see she posted a response post, due to all the outrage. But in my opinion, it basically says the same thing as the first post.. her reiterating her viewpoint. >.<
ReplyDeletehttp://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/04032012miscarriage-post-a-response/
She should have just kept her point of view to herself on this subject.
-m
I agree, Min. She shouldn't have approached the subject to begin with. Loss is handled differently by people, miscarriage is just another form of loss. If I had stayed in bed because my sister died, would I have been more justified than when I had the miscarriage?
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