I trigger tonight between 6-8pm. I have not given myself this shot before, but it can't be that difficult. If I can give myself Gonal F, I can do Ovidrel. Right? Right...sigh. I wish my husband would be home to supervise, but I'm flying solo.
I am nervous for this one. Well and truly nervous. I don't know what I'll do if it does work. By that same token, I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't. I'm at a crossroads. If it doesn't work, IVF is our only shot at a biological Weezy. That would involve signing our savings over to Dr. R's office. I'm not opposed to doing that, but it means kissing the prospect of a house goodbye. If it does work, then holy shit I'm pregnant and I better not miscarry. I am well aware that these are first world problems (which means in the big scheme of things they're not REALLY problems, just obstacles..except for the miscarrying..anyway). I feel ridiculous for having the what if it works nerves. I should feel ready for this to work, prepared. For the most part, that's how I feel..there's just a little part inside of me that doesn't. Am I making any sense here?
Husband won't talk about the what if side of this not working. He refuses to indulge my what ifs, preferring to operate on fact and the current situation instead. This is smart of him because I can give myself a headache what ifing. Oy. My head hurts now.
I told Husband last night how I felt before our first pregnancy and miscarriage. I had done a fairly decent job of convincing myself that I would be perfectly happy if we didn't have kids, that we would be happy child free. Then I had a brief taste of what it meant to be pregnant and I haven't been able to get back to that child free mindset. I'm not sure if I was lying to myself or what. Things seemed so much easier 4 years ago.
On some other blogs I read they do this Thankful Thursday thing. I'm thankful for y'all. You're my sounding board and you lift me up when I feel like I can't get out of bed. So thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It means more than you could know.
**update, update, update** I forgot to include this story. Check it out, if you don't mind! :)
Coming from a serial what-ifer, it's so hard not to what if! Seriously. We have so many hurdles to jump, sometimes we effortlessly soar over, and sometimes we fall flat on our faces. It's normal to expect the fall. In a way I think it's our way of protecting our hopeful hearts. Good luck with the trigger- I definitely couldn't do that one myself...my BFF got the pleasure.
ReplyDeleteEhh, my husband closes the restaurant some nights. I figured it's better if I can give them to myself. It stung tho!!
DeleteThanks for linking to my post! Really appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel: I felt that way too. Your husband sounds like my husband. That's how he dealt with our treatments, too.
Good luck with the trigger shot! :)
Anytime!! My husband's very good at being the moment and I am obviously not. Trigger shot is so not awesome!
Deleteugg..being in the moment. Typos for the win.
DeleteMatt does not indulge in my what if's either which is good cause I can come with with a million different ones, thank goodness one of us is sane.
ReplyDelete