Hey y'all!

I don't know quite where to begin. It would be overstating the facts if I said my life had been turned upside down. It would be understating the facts if it hadn't been turned upside down.  I'm somewhere in the middle.  I won't pretend that Sister and I were close, we were anything but.  She had many problems since my mother died and I grew up and away from her.  The guilt over the situation will be forever with me.  My sister died on February 27th at 625pm, the day before her 39th birthday.  I'll give you the rundown of events from that evening.

• February 27th 745pm EST:  One of our mutual friends calls to tell me that Sister was found dead in her apartment. I immediately suspect suicide, but I have no details. I'm completely going on hunches.
• 800pm EST: I call my uncle that raised me from 13 on. I call him to find out wtf am I supposed to do.  He does not answer.
• 845pm EST:  Uncle finally calls me back, we're both dumbfounded.  Sister is dead?!  She was only 38.  WTF are we/I supposed to do?
• 930pm EST:  Pittsburgh medical examiner calls me.  Official notification that Sister is gone.  I call my uncle, he touches base with the medical examiner first.  I absolutely have to call them since I am the sole remaining immediate family member.  I am scared. Our parents died in 1989 and 1994, I can barely remember them.  How am I dealing with this at 30?  Holy shit.
• 945pm EST:  I call the medical investigator, get and give the particulars.  Sister had a cat that went with animal control.  Legally speaking, I now own Kitten.  Shit.  I am also told by the medical investigator that I have the option of relinquishing rights to Sister's remains.  Holy shit.
•  February 28th, 1030am:  Medical examiner calls during the autopsy.  Kitten has found a home with one of Sister's friends. Medical examiner does not suspect suicide (sigh of relief), but they do suspect an untreated infection.  Shit, Sister!  It's 2012, why didn't you go to the doctor!  Why aren't you here!
• March 1st, 430pm:  I finally find a funeral home and get in touch with the cemetery where our parents are buried.  Plans are made to cremate her remains and inter them with our parents.
• March 9th: Sister's remains are buried with our parents. 

So that bring us up to present day. I currently have to get a court order to get into her bank account and pay her remaining bills.  I did not have a service for her because, quite frankly, Husband and I cannot afford it. I would have loved to give her our traditional Catholic viewing, but that was not an option.  On top of that, her friends knew a very different side of her than I did.  I would prefer for it to remain that way.  I don't want to ruin any memories or thoughts they had of her.  I didn't want to have a service for her, listening to them tell their memories of her and think 'oh that wasn't true.'  and 'yeah, that never happened'.  My sister had a habit of telling tall tales to people.  It's not my intention to tarnish their thoughts of her.  I'll remember one person, they can remember the other. Fair?  Maybe.  I don't know.  I just don't know. I feel a little lost on that subject.

I hope I did the right thing by her.  I'm hoping she's at peace, the kind that she could not find during her life.  I will carry this guilt with me for the rest of my life. I will always feel like I didn't do enough to help her.

If you're wondering why cycle day it is, I have no idea.  My three month break may turn into a longer break. I'm not sure that I can deal with this grief along with the prospect of pregnancy.  This is just all too real and too hard.