I'm rambling here, just please go with me.

I got to hold my niece for the first time on Tuesday.  It was fantastic.  I held her for about 30 minutes and she slept the whole time with her little tootsies sticking straight out.  So stinkin cute. How could you not love that kiddo?  You can't help yourself, I promise you.  I know...I whined and fretted so much about how it was going to be when she was born.  I can't help but fret about the unknown...it's my nature. I worry.  If I can't plan, I worry...a lot. 

That brings me to Tuesday, January 10th.  Instead of holding my beloved niece, I'll be back up in stirrups with Mr. Wandy, trying to figure out the game plan.  Yay.  I can hardly wait.  Oh, I'm sorry, did you step in the sarcasm puddle?  My apologies.  I keep asking myself...how the eff did I get here?  How did it come to pass that I have to see a doctor to get pregnant and carry a baby?  There's probably about a million different little things that I did to encourage this infertility, but I can't think of them.  Or maybe I didn't do anything and this was going to happen one way or another.  Well...that's shit.  Just shit.  There's gotta be a reason, right?  Maybe it's the fact that my mom was diabetic with me (not type 2, type 1.  The kind you had to take insulin with, since she was 13).  That's some hard stuff to deal with.  But she dealt with it and came out with two babies. I can do it too.....right?  Maybe I was too fat for a short period of time (I lost 50 pounds after I got married.  Can I get a high five, y'all) and that screwed me all kinds of up.

So.  I'm sort of angry that I'm in this place, instead of having a nice easy time getting pregnant and staying pregnant.  I'm fretting that I can't control everything that Dr. R does.  I hate my body for going haywire and now I have these retarded super awesome ovaries that pump out all kinds of hormones.  But I guess all infertiles hate where they are.  At what point does acceptance come?  Sigh.

Now, if you'll forgive me, I have to go shove a pill down a cat's throat.  Toodles.