Quick note

Just letting y'all know I may be absent for awhile. My sister died and I'm the sole family member. Obviously, I'm going through a lot. We weren't close and the relationship was complicated, to say the least.

I'll check in when I can. Love you guys.

B

A plan!

I feel better after writing my last post and taking in all of the comments.  I called Husband at Casa de Noodle and we further discussed the issue.  I brought up the idea of taking (probably) three cycles off and then starting IVF.  He agreed and said he can tell that I'm emotionally tapped after this last disappointment.  His biggest concern is my well being, emotionally and physically. 

We're going to start looking into the house situation this week. We'll be gathering data, getting bank statements, all that jazz. We just want to get a ball rolling.  Our savings is well over what I thought it would be (ok..he keeps track of the money.  What?  I just spend it).

It's amazing what a plan can do for me.  I feel better already. 

And thank you to my computer friends.  Y'all calmed down.

The Talk

Husband and I sort of had the talk today.  I say sort of because we didn't really get in depth with it.  He made it clear that I am the one driving this bus and he will go along with any decision I make.  I was able to pull out of him that he would like to try IVF since we have the insurance for it.  I sort of agree, but I'm scared of going all the way with IVF.  I'm afraid of the financial and emotional upheaval it will be, but wouldn't adoption be the same way?

Part of me wants to take a break because I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker.  I want to focus on other things, like getting a house.  Another part of me just wants to move on to adoption after getting a house.  If I'm being really honest I'll tell you that I'm tired of this roller coaster.  We've been at this for five years and if it hasn't worked by now, will it ever work?  That is the question that keeps running through my head.  A break sounds really nice, but I feel like I'm running out of time for a baby.

I feel really weak for wanting to move on.  I applaud adoptive parents and even hope to be one at some point, but I don't want to give up on a baby from our DNA.  I don't know what to do.  I wish someone could point me in a direction and say 'go do this.'

I feel like I'm frozen in place.

How it started....

It was memorial day weekend. We were driving home from Tampa.  Husband's stepbrother had just gotten married that weekend. We were veterans, having been married for all of 6 weeks. We thought we would throw caution to the wind and throw out the birth control and condoms...I mean, we'd been together for almost five years.  We got this. Right. My ass.

I never thought I would be here.  I never thought that I'd have 3 miscarriages, multiple surgeries, and failed fertility treatments and almost five years later.  Yet here I am. What am I supposed to do? My heart is broken. My husbands heart is broken. What can I do to fix it?

Husband and I have to have a very long talk about adoption vs. IVF vs. house. I'm not sure what we'll agree on. This does not decide the fate of our marriage. I love him more than I can say. He wants a child. I want a child. We just have to decide how we're going to bring home our baby.

Cycle day one

Other than I hate my body, I have nothing else to say.

Blogging on the road

I blog to you now from Epcot. I'm currently in Norway waiting for Husband to ride whatever ride is here. I'm not much of a ride person. I don't like roller coaster or things that go downhill really fast. If you have a merry go round, I'm your girl.

We've been through Canada, Japan (where we saw drummers), Italy (we scarfed Gelato down), Great Britain (I'm tempted to get Husband a Guinness hat complete with bottle opener), Germany, China, and now Norway. I've visited every bathroom in every country! I'm drinking so much water, its ridiculous.

I've realized a few things today.

1. I'm not that fat.
2. All women should wear a bra when out in public.
3. I'm not the only infertile here.

I was standing in line for the bathroom and I saw a woman with a bracelet with a pomengranate charm. She looked at me and I said that I liked her bracelet. She started explaining it and I just said me too. We're everywhere.

Mo is heavy on my mind today. I hope our support can ease the grief a small bit.

Go give some love

Mo is not a blogger that I've read very much of, but I'm hoping to change that. Word has spread that her water broke at 23 weeks and they are inducing labor tonight.  Her baby boy is not expected to survive. 

My heart breaks for her family.  No one should have to go through this nightmare.

She needs all the love and support we can give her. Head on over to her blog and give her some love, if you don't mind.

Frustration

I am not a patient person. I like immediate results. I'm feeling very frustrated at the moment.

I'm trying to not think that I'm pregnant. I'm not nauseous, my boobs don't hurt. I'm just peeing a lot and sometimes feel very warm, almost feverish.  I've had some slight cramping, but nothing major.

If I think I'm pregnant it will hurt too much when I get my period. I don't want to cry my way through my work week.

The two week wait is awful. I want this to be over already. I want to know one way or the other and get on with my life.

So that's my Monday. How are y'all?

Before

I had a dream last night that I was fertile.  I was popping out kid after kid.  Have you ever seen that episode of Family Guy when a random lady answers the door nursing two kids while smoking and another one just sort of falls out, crying?  The lady says to her husband 'well whaddya know, I was pregnant!'  It was a lot like that without the smoking part.  My boobs hurt when I woke up and I was crying.  I've never had that happen before.  What a crappy dream.

Anyway, I was thinking about what my life was like before infertility smashed its head through the wall.  I came up with this list...wait, before I do that I have to ask you this.  Do I make too many lists?  It's just how my brain works.  Whatever, the Before IF list follows as such:

•  I thought kids were a done deal.  I met a handsome guy, we were in love (or duv, as we call it).  Kids were a sure thing.
• My ovaries and uterus didn't have names.
• My life wasn't lived two weeks at a time.
• I didn't dream of babies and wake up to my boobs aching.
• I looked at women with crying kids and thought 'Wow, I am so glad I'm not there yet!.'  Now I'd give anything to have a screaming child.  And not just for the day, so don't say I can have yours and see how it is.
• I was not jealous of pregnant women (jealousy is probably my least favorite part about IF.  It's an awful emotion to feel).
• I didn't know how to give myself shots, but hey, now I do.  A plus?  Maybe.
• I was never observant of my cervical mucus, but Gd help me, it occupies my mind some days.
• I felt good about myself. It wasn't perfect, but I didn't feel like I was broken or less of a person.
• If I'm being really honest, I wasn't even sure I wanted kids at one point. 

There's a lot more stuff to that list, but you get the idea.  Infertiles have to deal with your normal every day crap plus all this stuff.  No wonder we find our computer friends!

I'm on day 6 since my IUI.  I'm feeling a little crampy and very cranky.  This can be normal PMS, but I'm also known to be a little psychotic while pregnant.  I'm now in the stage where I'm telling myself that it's ok if I wake up with my period.  Things will be ok.  Things will be ok.

*On a side note, someone found my blog by googling the tool concert.  Fabulous.

My very own meme

I pronounce this meeeeeem, not mem (as in memory).  Meeeeeeem sounds better to my ears.  So ok..here we go...

Here are the rules: 
1 - Post the rules
2 - Post 12 things about yourself
3 - Answer the 12 questions from the person who tagged you.
4 - Create 12 new questions for the people you tag. 
5 - Tag 12 people and link them to your post.
6 - Let them know that you tagged them.

1. Who are your favorite bloggers?

So many!!  Hands down hilarious is Rachel @ Eggs in a row.  I really wish I could be that funny and clever, but alas. Laura at the adventures of an infertile myrtle is someone that I can hear in my own head, which is awesome.

 2. What tip(s) would you give a beginning blogger?

 Take nothing personal.  I used to get a little hurt that my blog wasn't being viewed, but then I realized I'm a small chicken.  Don't take any comment personal either.  People mean well, they just don't always understand your struggles.  I don't think very hard about what I write.  I just sort of go with it. My blog is my brain dump.

3. What is your occupation and what is your favorite part of that occupation?
I work in the IT field and I get to fix things. My favorite part is also the worst part...people. 


4. What do you like to do in your spare time?
 I read...watch movies.  I attempt working out, but I'm a fat chick with a badonkadonk that I'm self conscious of.  I'm talkin' ghetto booty here, people.  I dabble in baking, also. I make killer cakes and cookies.  I do alright at cheesecakes, but breads intimidate me.

 5. What are the top 5 sites you visit on the Internet?
Dr. Google, Facebook (which will be my demise),  reddit, MLS home listings for my area, and Cnn (politics junkie)


6. What is your favorite vacation place and why?
 Anything beachy, really.  Living in Florida, we have lots of beaches.  Being near the water, swimming and laying in the sun are some of my favorite things during the summer.  I can spend all day outside and turn brown within 12 hours.  






7. What is your favorite subject to blog about? And how do you come up with ideas to blog about?
Mostly I blog about how stupid my ovaries are and how they mess up my life, but that gets old.  I like blogging about funny stories, if I can, and share recipes.   I come with ideas for blogs mostly from my own life, but other blogs will give me ideas.

8. Tell us one unique fact about yourself:
 I read almost everything from right to left before I read left to right.  I don't know why I read backwards.  

9. What is your favorite book(s) of all time and why?
 Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore.  OMG, y'all, it's great.  If you're particularly religious, I wouldn't recommend it for you though.

10. What is your favorite food?
Hmm...I love pasta, namely spaghetti and meatballs.  I make a mean meatball.

11. What are your favorite movie(s) of all time and why?
My Cousin Vinny...fav of all time.  I like anything that I can laugh at, but Lisa's biological clock is tickin like THIS!  And so is mine! My childhood best friend and I used to watch this every day and I'd be willing to bet we can recite every single line.

12. What will you do if you can't have a baby? 
Adopt.  We'll definitely adopt.  A friend actually suggested we scour the local high schools for teenage moms-to-be.  Creeper much! 

I'm not sure that I'm familiar with 12 blogs, but I'll give it a shot. 

1.  Laura at The adventures of an infertile myrtle 
2. Scarlett at Baby Bump Envy 
3.  Infertile625 at Hidden Infertility 
4.  Infertilemyrtle at My secret world of infertility 

.........and uh, yeah, that's all I've got.  Everyone else I know has been tagged.   Do I have like...10 years bad luck or something?

Chaos

I got tagged in that meme thing by Lisa over at Hapa Hopes, but before I do that I need to get something off my chest. It's been festering since last night and I've been stewing on it all day.  My husband has a bookcase addiction.  Allow me to explain.....

Yesterday, my husband and I went to Ikea.  We are lucky to live in the House of Mouse area which has an Ikea to go.  Anyway, we always go there when he's hatching a plan to build something (duh).  This time he decided he needed two big bookcases to go in his man cave.  One was for books (second duh) and  the other was for....*nerd alert*....... his legos.  Husband has a love of Star Wars (playing the new PC game that's out, watching movies, naming our cats after SW characters, etc) and has amassed a collection of SW themed legos. 

This may not seem like such a big deal, but our loveseat was in his man cave (mostly to save space in the living area) and had to be moved out to the living room for said book cases.  He then decided he wanted the recliner that was next to my couch in his man cave as a reading chair.  Fine, this is not worth arguing about.  Whatever.  So we moved the furniture around. 

The problem lies here:  My living room is now bursting at the seams with couch and loveseat.  It's overwhelming the room.  When I had the couch and recliner in there, it was so cozy. Now it looks like beige leather vomit everywhere.  EVERYWHERE.  Plus the setting of the coffee table and TV stand are crooked.  I can't handle it. My brain is saying 'get rid of everything, get a new couch with a chaise lounge attached so it's just one piece of furniture.'  Please, dear Gd, help me..clutter makes me anxious and irritable.  HELP ME!  I'm seriously considering moving the loveseat into his man cave and telling him to suck it up and taking the recliner back.  I was talking to him this morning about it and he said 'Babe, I think you should just suck it up and deal with it.'  Infuriating

Do y'all see this beige vomit?  See how big everything is.  Help me. Please help me. I'll take any advice.

The current setup from the front door.  Should I just add some color?

Looking in from the direction of the kitchen. That's my Jaina cat

This is the couch I want...stick an ottoman in front of that...and I'm set.  It also comes with different color slip covers (yay Ikea!)

His current man cave.  Nerd alert.

Behind the beige vomit. Ignore the Mara on the counter.

Valentines Day..meh

I don't mean this V-Day.  This one has been great.  Husband gave me a couple of new beads for my Brighton bracelet (Pandora-like) and Lady and the Tramp.  I gave him...cards.  Yeah, you read that right.  Cards.  One was an actual V-Day card with Pepe Lepew and his female kitten, the other was a Happy First Communion card.  We started this tradition a few years ago where we get a bullshit card and a real card.  Last year my BS V-Day card was a "Have fun at camp' one.  Classic.

I digress.  Valentine's Day is the anniversary of two things:  It's the day we found out my father in law's liver was failing from cancer, thus making treatment no longer a viable option.  It's also the day I had my second miscarriage.  Talk about a shit storm that day.  I can't help but think of Valentine's Day with a little sad face like this.. :-(  My husband and I try to focus on good things, but these two events are always in the back of my mind.  Again..sad face..  :-(

There are many things I have to celebrate this day.  My husband, our respective families that love us very much, our menagerie of cats, our friends.  But this year I have each one of you to send love out too.  My new computer friends.  <3 <3 <3 <3 <3  Where would I be without you?

I'm sending you all big hearts full of chocolate and roses.  Big love to you all.  Big huge love.

the 2-ish week wait

I have been basted, as of 1030 this morning.  I feel like we've done everything that we can to make this happen.  I responded well to the mindfuck drug and my husband gave the best deposit the doctor's seen in years.  Husband's just an overachiever, what can I say? For my fertile readers, a good deposit is made up of a good volume of..you know... and healthy sperm. 

I've been resting most of the day because I've been really crampy.  This hasn't happened after the previous IUIs, so I'm not sure what's going on. I know my doctor inserted the 177 million swimmers a little higher in my uterus and to the right because that's where the biggest eggs were.  I felt the tube in my uterus.  It was...umm..different.  If we don't get a baby out of this I'm getting really, really drunk on cycle day 1.  Just forewarning everyone. 

Now if I can just make it through the next 2-ish weeks, I'll be good.  Ovidrel seems to speed up my cycle, so my period usually arrives on day 10 or so.  Joy.

I finally had time to do our taxes and we're getting a $1500 tax refund!  Today has been  a good day!

The Hail Mary 4th Quarter IUI

Getting ready to head out and be inseminated. Could we have come up with a less romantic way to get pregnant? I think not.  Wish us good sperm and eggs!!  :)

Things that make me lose my mind (and pet peeves)

I've been trying to post about something that doesn't have to do with infertility.  No babies, pregnancy tests, miscarriages, uteri (the plural form of uterus in my world), ovaries or eggs.  This chick need a little break from all that.  So, in the interest of not losing my mind, I'm posting about things that FREAK me out.  The list is in no particular order.

• Elevators.  I have this unnatural fear of getting stuck in one and it falling.  A word to the wise, if you visit St. Luke's Hospital (aka the Mayo Clinic) in Jacksonville, the elevators are crazy awful.  I held on to my husband's arm and dug my nails in.  They're all jerky and stuff.
• Snakes.  No shoulders, no love.  'Nuff said.
• Birds.  They carry germs and make weird noises.  By birds I mean anything with wings. Note:  My uncle has chickens and we see them regularly.  They're nice chickens.  I just think they'd be nicer with special seasoning and dipped in buttermilk and flour.  Just sayin.
• If someone (ie my husband) moves my deodorant.  It's kept in the bathroom, by my hair stuff and if I can't find it...  Well, let's just say hell hath no fury like a woman wrapped in a towel at 7am.  It's just my thing.  He will occasionally move it to mess with me, that jackass.
• I hate it when people don't use napkins that are provided with their meal.  Instead, they just suck off whatever food is on their grubby finger.  So gross.
• My husband taps his foot on the bed constantly.  He's always in some type of motion. I can't stand the tap tap tap tap at midnight.  JUST SIT STILL!!
• I'm obsessed with what time it is.  I always have to know.  It will drive me crazy if I can't find out.

I hope you enjoyed this glimpse into my brand of crazy.  Here's to ovulating!

T-r-i-double guh-er

I trigger tonight between 6-8pm.  I have not given myself this shot before, but it can't be that difficult.  If I can give myself Gonal F, I can do Ovidrel.  Right?  Right...sigh.  I wish my husband would be home to supervise, but I'm flying solo. 

I am nervous for this one.  Well and truly nervous.  I don't know what I'll do if it does work.  By that same token, I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't.  I'm at a crossroads.  If it doesn't work, IVF is our only shot at a biological Weezy.  That would involve signing our savings over to Dr. R's office.  I'm not opposed to doing that, but it means kissing the prospect of a house goodbye.  If it does work, then holy shit I'm pregnant and I better not miscarry.  I am well aware that these are first world problems (which means in the big scheme of things they're not REALLY problems, just obstacles..except for the miscarrying..anyway).  I feel ridiculous for having the what if it works nerves.  I should feel ready for this to work, prepared.  For the most part, that's how I feel..there's just a little part inside of me that doesn't.  Am I making any sense here?

Husband won't talk about the what if side of this not working.  He refuses to indulge my what ifs, preferring to operate on fact and the current situation instead.  This is smart of him because I can give myself a headache what ifing.  Oy.  My head hurts now.

I told Husband last night how I felt before our first pregnancy and miscarriage.  I had done a fairly decent job of convincing myself that I would be perfectly happy if we didn't have kids, that we would be happy child free.  Then I had a brief taste of what it meant to be pregnant and I haven't been able to get back to that child free mindset.  I'm not sure if I was lying to myself or what.  Things seemed so much easier 4 years ago. 

On some other blogs I read they do this Thankful Thursday thing.  I'm thankful for y'all.  You're my sounding board and you lift me up when I feel like I can't get out of bed.  So thank you for your kind words and encouragement.  It means more than you could know.

**update, update, update**  I forgot to include this story.  Check it out, if you don't mind!  :)

Eggstraordinary Saturday

Our last IUI will be on Saturday.  We're down to three eggs, two on the right side and one on the left.  The others are growing, they're just not going to be ready to be hatched, so to speak.  I'm hoping that this one works, to say the least.  My defense mechanisms are mobilizing though.  I'm already saying to myself 'when I get my period...' 

I know I should be hopeful and positive.  I'm trying...it's just so damn hard.  So y'all be hopeful for me.  I will look forward to February 25th.  <3

The Egg Hunt

I just took my last Gonal F (aka the mindfuck drug).  Thank the powers that be.  That drug has messed with my brain so much.  I was in Tar.get yesterday, saw baby bathing suits and sniffled my way through the store.  Then I stopped in the beer and wine aisle to get something for my husband and I nearly lost it.  The only thing that kept me together was thinking that I would look like an alcoholic if I sat down and sobbed in front of the Yellow Tail.  Instead I cried on the cashier when she carded me and told me I looked good for 30.  Talk about awkward moments.

Apparently I'm at risk for triplets or some other multiple because I have at the very least 4 good eggs.  I'll know tomorrow morning if I have any more that are good lookin.   Darlings, I just want to get pregnant and stay pregnant.  I don't care if it's with one or three.  I really don't think I'd reduce if I managed to incubate multiples.  One step at a time, though. Let's get pregnant first.

Current side effects from Gonal F include cramps, super low low energy, mood swings and today's special addition, dizziness.  We were supposed to go see a movie, but I couldn't sit up, so it turned into a lazy day. 

My husband is holding up well from all the side effects.  We've only fought once and I'm positive it was his fault.  :)

How things are going so far....

Stimming so far is ok.  I'm having interesting mood swings, hot flashes, nightmares, and cramps.  Fun!  I gave myself a shot on Thursday...can I get a high five?

The ultrasound showed 4 follicles on my right ovary and 3 on my left. Two were 12 milimeters and a couple others were 10. My doctor wants them at 18 for the IUI.  I have more Gonal this evening and on Monday with another check on Tuesday. I can hardly wait.

So far the best mood swing was on Thursday morning. Husband worked half a day and I cried all morning. I felt bad that he had to work and it snowballed. I feel like my emotions are cranked up to a full 10 and very unlike myself.

This hormone business is for the birds.

Be brave

A comment was left on my last post about bravery.  It brought to my mind what my mom used to say to me when she would go into the hospital. The back story is that she was diabetic when she had my older sister and I. My mom lost function in one kidney when she was pregnant with my sister and I took care of the other one. She was in and out of the hospital and had a kidney transplant when I was three-ish.

I used to lose my mind when she would be hospitalized, thinking that I wouldn't see her again. I would cry and cry, she would pull me close and tell me to be brave.  It always struck a chord with me. I don't remember much of her, but I do remember she never showed me how scared she was.

Compared to what she went through, this is small peanuts (imho). If she can be brave, so can I. So can all of us.