Maybe Baby

It's weird when you see your own blastocyst.  We've seen pictures, but when it's YOURS, oh my.  My first thought was 'it's so cute' but then I caught myself and realized I've got to to be logical about this.  It's no bigger than a spec of dust.  All six of our embryos made it to the blastocyst state, which impressed the doctor.  The one we transferred was very hearty and will hopefully decide to stick around for the next 40 weeks or so.  Without further delay, here is MB (short for Maybe Baby):

MB,  please turn into a DB (definite baby)

So that's what we're workin with.  It's encouraging that the doctor was impressed with MB, my lining, our embryo quality.  She even mentioned that Husband was handsome (umm, duh.  He's MY husband).  Encouraging is nice, but it's not a guarantee.  I'm kind of wishing I had a guarantee, but I'll take encouraging, for what it's worth.  If MB doesn't stick around, then we have five more blasties on ice.  Five more chances.

People have been asking how I'm feeling.  Ok, I guess.  Nervous.  Excited.  Crinone is disgusting, but I'm not going to go into it because not EVERYONE needs to know about my lady bits.  Mostly, I'm feeling really proud of myself, my husband, and our marriage.  I'm so proud that I made it through this with about as much sanity as when this whole thing started.

I was afraid of IVF for a long time.  Afraid of the shots, money, emotional distress...everything.  Yes, the shots suck donkey balls.  The side effects are not a walk in the park, especially at the end when everything piled up on me and I could barely work.  Yes, the money sucks, but keep your eyeballs on the prize (see MB).  You know what, though?  Having Husband with me, by my side, pushing me with every shot and holding me through every tear made this so much more bearable.  Infertility is a shit fest and it tests the best of marriages, ours included.  I'm not sure that we would have found out that our relationship is so strong without it, though.  Silver lining?  Definitely.

Anyway.  Thanks for letting me toot our horns, so to speak.   Beta is on March 7th.  Here's hoping MB is a sticky baby!! 

Xoxo

Monday with Mara

Keeping in mind that we are preparing for transfer, I'll leave you with funny pictures of Mara and friends.  Xoxo

Jaina's get ready to go sit

If she fits, she ships

He sucks you in with his cuteness

Mom, you missed a spot on the floor.

Caaaaaaatnnipppppppp

I guess when Dad naps, you nap

Retrieval

I "woke up" the morning of retrieval exhausted.  I quote "woke up" because I got like zero sleep.  I was running through every possible scenario in my head.  Maybe I ovulated early...the doctor did say I had a very good response to the trigger shot.  Maybe this possible itch (you know what I mean, ladies) will cause the whole thing to be canceled.  What if the anesthesia doesn't work (it's always a fear, don't judge)?  Just GO!

So I suck it up and arrive at the center at 630am,with the hope that a juicebox is in my near future.  The OR nurse was quite possibly the sweetest nurse on the face of the earth.  She didn't think I was crazy when I started to cry, she was kind enough to go through of the procedure with me, and most importantly, it didn't hurt when she put the IV in.  And she let me take a vicodin before going into the OR.  Who could ask for more? 

Husband came in next and we talk with the anesthesiologist, who is all of 12 years old.  And kinda cute, but let's save that for later.  He was nice and was completely willing to knock me out.  My kind of guy.   Then of all sudden, we're off, it's time to get this show on the road.  I walk into a cold room with a table and like five people.  This is where things start to get fuzzy.  Dr. Cutie gave me some drugs to relax me since I was on the verge of a panic attack and I did the following:

• Asked if he was married
• Told him he was hot
• Apologized for flashing the nurse on our first date

Classy, Beth.  So classy.  Apparently during the procedure, I asked what time it was, but I have no memory of it.  I said I didn't want to remember anything and I'll be damned if those drugs didn't work.  I hung out for an hour, got my juicebox, and came home.  My poor ovaries were so angry, and I'm still a little sore, but things are getting better each day.  I'm still under orders for lots of rest and relaxation, no heavy lifting, that sort of thing.  And just fyi, progesterone shots suck.  If you're not in the know, you better ice your ass beforehand because that is a big frickin needle. 

They were able to retrieve 11 eggs and we now have six, snuggly embryos in a petri dish well on their way to the blastocyst stage.  At first I was disappointed at..six?  Only six?  I thought my eggs must suck, but I was in a little bit of shock when the nurse told me so I didn't ask.  She called the next day to say we were going to move transfer to Monday, day five, and reminded me that the most important thing is that the little Weezys are healthy and we still have a lot of chances. She's right, but I wanted like 20 eggs, with 15 embryos. I had it all planned out in my head, but you know what they say about plans.  Turns out my eggs don't suck, only two of them did and the lab decided not to use them.  Two of the regularly fertilized embryos started to grow, but sort of crapped out.  A single lucky one made it, the rest were all fertilized with ICSI.  

Tomorrow is transfer day and we would appreciate good thoughts and vibes.  Maybe even prayers, if you're into that sort of thing. 

Husband took this lovely picture right before I went in...and promptly put it on face.book.  Ugg.  Ignore the fat face, I blame IVF drugs.

Did someone say good drugs?

Quick update

Really quickly, we had a total of 11 eggs that were retrieved. We'll know tomorrow how many fertilized and tentative transfer is on Saturday. If we can go longer, then Monday.

Right now I'm digging my pain meds and heating pad at home. I'll break down the whole retrieval story for you in the next few days, when the ovaries aren't so angry. Xoxo

Monday with Mara

*Apologies for the late Mara post.  The day has been crazy.

I may or may not have mentioned that Mara is a completely food driven cat.  I think probably holds true for most animals, but this girl is crazy when it comes to food.  The only thing she likes better is warm laundry.  But break out a roasted chicken, pork loin, or sour cream and she leaps over tall buildings and does dishes when it's not her turn to get to them.  Ok, so I'm personifying, but she really did try to steal an entire pork loin off of the stove once.  We caught her trying to figure out how to get down.  Poor cat, she doesn't have thumbs, so she couldn't sort it out.  Last new years eve, we all went out to set off fireworks.  We came back in to find that Mara had not only pulled down the box of spicy chicken wings, but somehow opened it and was well into her third one.  Yes, she had really bad gas the next day.

She's so cute when she sleeps

Like most cats, she has a love of dairy but dairy does not love her back.  Before Husband worked at The Taco, we used make tacos at the apartment fairly regularly.  Sour cream was always included.  We used to leave the sour cream uncovered on the counter, just in case someone needed extra while we were eating.  The very last time we did that, we found Mara neck deep in the container, just chowing down.  We yell at her, she digs in deeper.  We pick her up, and this is what we find:

Ermagerd, DAIRY!

She was having a crazy, lip smacking good time.  It's a poor picture, but you can kinda see it's up above her eyes and everything.  Her poor lips were swollen due to an ulcer, but she's much better now (this was taken a two years ago).

Until next time......MEOW!

It's go time

Sorry for the late post, it's been a busy day.  Tonight is my trigger, then at 745 on Wednesday I am no longer EasterBeth,  I'm anxious/nervous/excited/ready to get this over and done.  I'm over the daily shots of burning medication, the daily visits with the doctors.  As much as I like the practice, I like sleeping in a little bit more.  I'm totally over being poked and prodded, and if I'm judging from the bruises, my veins are too.  Ugg.  They counted nine follicles today, but on Saturday they counted 16.  The doctor this morning was quick, so I'm pretty sure she didn't measure all of them.  I even had a few follicles measuring in the 20s, so hopefully those will be the golden eggs.  Get it?  Golden...eggs.  HA!

Husband got me a couple of charms for my pand.ora like bracelet for V-Day.  One says dream and the other is a cat-totally appropriate.  I put the dream charm on a necklace the other day since I was feeling down about STILL having to stim. It's serving as a reminder to keep my eye on the prize during my anxiety attacks.  Other than that, we really didn't do anything for Valentine's.  It's a hall.mark holiday, we don't see the need to tell each other we love each other ESPECIALLY on one day.  We show each other our love every day of the year, I don't need flowers to express that (I'm allergic anyway.......and so is Mara).

Ever since my uncle died in August, I've been super clingy to Husband.  I'm having a bit of anxiety because he can't be in the room with me during retrieval, he's my security blanket.  If I think about this logically, the process will take all of 20 minutes and I know the doctor that's going to be doing it.  As soon as I fall asleep, it'll be time to wake up.  And I can't even wrap my  mind around the fact that this might actually work....that within three weeks I could actually be pregnant.  Mind.  Blown.  But let's not get too far ahead of ourselves, k? 

Tomorrow is signing some final paperwork and the last bit of blood work to make sure the trigger shot is working.  I'll try to blog after retrieval, but no promises that it'll make sense.  I leave you with our usual ending, a cat.  See you guys on the flip side.  Xoxo

Homstretch

I have 16 follicles that are growing nice and large.  There are 10 on my right ovary and six on my left.  I am feeling....full.  Outside of a little bloating, some cramps, and not being able to find comfortable jeans, I'm doing ok.  It's not turning out as badly as I though this whole process would- and trust me, I thought this was going to be a nightmare.  I have a follicle scan again on Saturday, with possible retrieval sometime next week (eek!!).

Sixteen.  Sixteen possibilities for a baby.  My doctor wanted 12 follicles at least, so I'm thinking anything over 12 is gravy.  Logically, I know all of these eggs won't fertilize.  I know they won't all be viable and make it through incubation.  But still.  SIXTEEN.  For a girl that was short on hope, that is a lovely number.  Don't go raining on my parade with statistics, please.  Let me have my 16 little hopelings, k?

If we're going discuss particulars, the worst part of the process  (to me) is the menopur in the morning.  Something about injecting myself with a burning pile of hormones just doesn't scream good morning, know what I mean?  On the annoying list is that I have to pee a lot.  I'm drinking a massive amount of water during the day, but I'm told that's normal, so whatevs on that.  Also on the annoying list is getting pre authorization from my insurance company for the meds.  It takes FOREVER and it's just not reasonable for someone that's on a tight schedule.  I've had to pay out of pocket for a second gonal f pen, to the tune of $888.  Hopefully I'll get reimbursed.

So husband and I are trying to juggle our schedules for next week.  We're telling everyone that plans are tentative until we nail down retrieval.  I'm kind of excited, but mostly ready to be done with this phase.  I miss my jeans.

I leave you with a picture of my Aayla cat.  She's in full on herp derp.  Ignore the wrinkled sheets.

Xoxo

Did someone say catnip?

Monday with Mara

Mara when she was a baby

You may think that Mara has no friends.  Well...........you'd be right.  She doesn't.  She just enough of a bitch to most, and sweet to a very select few that people don't like her.  Like really don't like her.  Mara has territorial issues, but that's a whole other story.

What Mara lacks in pals, we have made up for her in siblings.  Like I've said in the past, Mara is HBIC in this house.  She tells the other cats what to do, where to walk, and when to eat.  Below is a rare, peaceful moment of coexistence. 

Left to right: Mara, Jaina, Obi, and Aayla

Never forget

So menopur...y'all weren't lying when you said that burns.  It leaves a nice little bruise on me too.  I hate it, but not quite as much as gonal f.  Holy mood swings, batman.  I had a meltdown on Husband yesterday because I wanted to watch the Olym.pics with him, but he wasn't home.  For some reason, that called for a snotty, sobbing phone call with him......while he was on the way home.  I get clingy when I don't feel well, don't judge me.

I went for an E2 check on Saturday and it came back at a whopping 60.  We increased my gonal f (the f stands for fuck, as in mindfuck) to 150iu and let me tell you.  It has made me insssssssssssane.  There is no rhyme or reason to my moods right now.  I feel a lot like this:  Oh, you've just given me a bad look?  I hate your face.  You cut me off in traffic?  Die in a fire.  You've kept me waiting for something?  You must have nerve.

I forgot about these effects of the drugs.  I forgot how I don't feel like myself and it takes everything I have to just deal with people.  All I want to to is sleep and let this process happen to me instead of being an active participant.  Does that even make sense?

This is a really whiney post.  I'm sorry for that.  Next post will be upbeat.  And have pictures, I promise.

Tomorrow is a follicle check and another E2.  I hope this stuff is working!

Xoxo

Moving along

I'm feeling much more like myself.  It took a few days for me to get out the Lupron funk, but I crawled out and am muddling through this cycle.  Tomorrow I'll start menopur and gonal f.  Any tips for menopur?  Keep in mind I'll be giving it to myself at 6am.  Joy.  My E2 was nice and low, ovaries nice and quiet with only small follicles.  Doctor R said my numbers were coming in right where the textbooks say they should.  Umm....thanks?

There are many baby happenings in my world right now.  One has just been born to a high school friend, two co workers are about to have babies, and my cousin just recently announced number three.  I'm happy for them, it's just...well, you know.  I'm feeling rather lapped at the moment.  It seems like I do ok for awhile and then people go and drink that baby water, and BAM.! I'm reminded that I'm as barren as the day is long.  Sigh.  Hopefully our baby is not too far away. 

On a brighter note, Husband's Taco was named the best Mexican restaurant in the area.  He gets a plaque and everything!!  So super proud.  If you're in the area...why aren't you eating there?  Like now?

Anyhow, not much else to report.  I was drowning my sorrows in chocolate (don't judge) the other night and opened this: 

Even my chocolate comforts me!

Until next time, my friends.  Xoxo

Monday with Mara

Have I told you about Mara's love for heights?  She likes them any way she can get them- bookshelves, the half wall through our house, the kitchen cabinets, top of the fridge...even doors.

Exhibit A: Just chillin on the guest bathroom door

Exhibit B:  Napping on the cabinets in our old apartment

 

 Exhibit C: Practicing her acrocatic skills on top of the stools in the apartment while I clean

These are the things you deal with when you have cats.  Life could be worse!  Until next week, Mara bids you Meow!

Superblah

This is how I feel about the superb owl (not a typo, watch Colbert).  The Stee.lers. aren't playing, so who really cares about these expansion teams?  I do like Sea.ttle's colors better, so maybe I'll root for them.  Woo.  Go team.  Get a hole in one.

I've been a little down in the dumps lately.  Lupron wasn't a big deal to begin with, but low and behold, dizziness hit, then really bad tummy cramps.  Oy.  The drive to work is interesting.  Maybe I can blame my grumpiness on the lupron?  Whatever, I'm doing it anyway. 

It seems like everyone is having a baby right now.  I was in the grocery store, gathering feminine supplies because I thought, hey Jess said she bled on lupron, so I'm prolly gonna bleed...I digress.  Anyway, so I'm gathering said supplies which happen to be right next to the pregnancy tests (why is it that way) and there's this chick wringing her hands over which to get.  Helpful me points her to the kind that say it in clear, blue letters.  Easily readable, you know what I mean.  So she starts in about how she just turned 25, has been married for a year and trying for 6 months with no luck.  It's taking forever, she says.  In my head, I say you have no idea what forever is.  Try for seven years then come at me.  Out loud, though, I reassure her it's within normal range.  She grabs her test and leaves.  Whatever.  Six months.  Please, child.  Puhleeze.

One of our bff's keeps telling me to be excited.  He sounds like a cheerleader..be-e excited.  Yeah.  I'm trying, it's just tough.  I keep trying to visualize myself and Husband with a baby (positive visualization, right).  I can almost see it, but it's blurry.  Like I can't quite focus enough to make it happen.  How can I be excited about this when all I know is loss?  I guess you gotta go on faith.  I have to find that shoebox full of faith, it's all covered with cobwebs.

Until next time, computer friends.  Here's to better moods.  Xoxo