What if?

I just had my first shot of Gonal F.  Am I supposed to feel any different?  I was worked up for nothing, it didn't even hurt.  My husband was trying to watch a video on how to work this infernal pen while I'm standing over him telling him not to touch it, don't do anything wrong, OMG  THAT'S THE NOT THE EFFING DOSE BABY and he's calmly snapping at me to let him watch the video.  Marriage..ain't it grand? 

If you can't tell, I tend to panic about big things.  Buying a car, getting an apartment, getting shot up with medication.  You know...big things.  Husband handles big things well, he doesn't deal well with every day things and details.  He's the yin to my yang, so to speak.

I've been thinking a lot about what happens if this IUI works.  Then I'm pregnant, but we all know that I have a sloppy record in carrying the pregnancy.  I'm afraid to go through another miscarriage.  They're painful, both physically and emotionally.  After my first one, I didn't feel like myself for 6 months.  I was pregnant for a whole 10 weeks, had a D&C and spent the night in the hospital.  When I was able to come home, I just laid in bed and cried.  I truly thought it was my fault.  I was depressed with the second one as well, but by the third one I was just numb. 

Even though I want this to work, what if I get pregnant?  What if I lose it?  What if, what if, what if, what if.  It's probably normal to be scared (but what if it's not).  What if my kid only grows one arm and a finger?  What if I'm a bad mom?  So much to fret about.

My fight does not end with a positive test.  It only begins.

How the cats came home

My ovaries are stupid.  We know this.  Not EVERY post needs to be about those selfish little things.  As you may know, we have four cats:  Obi, Mara, Jaina and Aayla (you get bonus points if you can name each Star Wars story those names are from). They are my sweet little babies and they are spoiled rotten.  Look at my sweetlings and their bios, if you will.

Mr.  Obi-Wan Weezy

Obi is 6 and a half.  He's our only boy, which would make you think he's king of the house.  Ha.  His sisters run him around like nobody's business.  When he was a kitten, he was nearly impossible to lay a hand on if he wasn't sleeping.  Obi was literally a fur coat with razor blades.  He was a daddy's boy from the start, though.  Husband had Obi purring within minutes of meeting him. Oddly enough, Obi has sensed each of my miscarriages and wouldn't leave my side for days during each of them.  Obi's hobbies include chewing on plastic, turning down chicken and turkey, and sleeping on the bathroom counter (his favorite place).

Miss Mara Jade Weezy

Mara just turned 6 years old in December.  She is a British Tortie , which means she has cattitude for days.  She is the one that runs the house, naturally.  When Mara was a kitten she was very lovey and sweet, but we went away for our honeymoon, she became very territorial.  She likes her space. Mara also suffers from allergies.  Not the kind that make you sneeze, the kind that make you lose your fur and have hives.  So she's on a strict diet of rabbit and green pea food and whatever else she can steal.  Currently she's on cyclosporin, which is helping us manage her allergies.  Mara's habits include waking us at 7am to eat, ensuring that Obi gets enough exercise by chasing him around, and begging for food.  Her favorite foods to steal are chicken, doritos, sour cream (as you can see over her eye), and pickles-kosher dill, of course!

Jaina Leigh Weezy

 Jaina is about to turn 6 years old, I think.  I found her when I went out to get the mail one day and she was laying on sidewalk, tummy up, begging for love.  I was hooked immediately.  Husband took a little convincing, but once he touched her, he was done.  Jaina took awhile to come out of her shell, but all she wants is to snuggle and to be fed.  She is an angel all year, until the Christmas tree comes out.  I guess the outside cat in her still loves to climb.  Jaina's hobbies include making biscuits in your lap, snuggling as close as possible to you, and chasing her tail.

Aayla Hampton Weezy

 Aayla is our baby at only 2 years old.  She was found at a bed and breakfast in north Florida on a very cold Christmas by our aunt and uncle.  Uncle was allergic, I loved Aayla (who was Hampton at that point), so home she came.  She is a very happy girl, purring and usually looking for mischief with Mara.  She spends every night sleeping curled up on me and that was interesting to get used to.  Now I don't sleep well without her.  Aayla's hobbies include running Obi around with Mara, opening drawers she can curl up in them, and chasing the fake little rats until they're under the couch. All of them.

So those are my kiddens.  I am NOT the crazy cat lady, I was married when I got them all.  That some how justifies it, yes?

Back in stirrups again

I spent $340 on infertility medication today.  Can I get a holy shit?  Yeah.  Holy shit.  I just want to give a big shout out to my insurance for not covering any Gonal F dosage and for having the Ovidrel be more expensive with insurance rather than self pay.  Holler.  I know that $340 is small potatoes to some of you, and I'm sorry to whine about it, but damn!  $340 on some injections to stimulate my retarded fabulous ovaries!!  They're supposed to work in the first damn place!  Anyhow, the ultrasound went well, so we're off to the races.

Monday was Husband's birthday.  It was ehhh, we both had to work and he closed that night at Casa de Noodle.  We celebrated on Monday with family and he was so happy.  The part of family we went out with had just gotten back from Vegas, so he got to talk poker with his uncle, mostly uninterrupted.  Good times for him and I got to visit with cousin and aunt.  Good times had by all.  He also got his favorite items on Monday: chicken salad and mocha cake.  Mocha cake is a family tradition for every birthday. I promise I'll give y'all the recipe soon.  I just have to find a good picture of the finished project.

In other news, my AC was all wonky last night, plus the toilet in the "master" bath was all drippy.  You ask me why I'm running my AC in January?  We live in Florida and Husband is a polar bear.  It was 80 some degrees yesterday and tomorrow it's going to be 74.  I feel bad for all of you snowed in and dealing with freezing temps because I did that when I was younger.  But right now, with being on my period and staring down the face of Femara, Gonal F and Ovidrel, a girl needs her air conditioner. 

Coming up next week we have staycation.  Yes, it includes a couple of ultrasounds to monitor my sexy less than great ovaries, but it also includes a trip to Ikea, poker night, possibly a trip to Epcot, the Tool concert for Husband and maybe a trip to the beach.  Busy week, but good times. I'll be getting my hair did during that time and possibly posting a pic of the finished project. Our closet needs some serious organization. It is on the verge of an avalanche, I kidd you not.

I've also joined Twitter, mostly for blogging purposes.  If you would like to follow me, my name thing is BWeezy0414.  I'm not particularly active on there yet. I'm still getting most of my audience from Facespace.

Until next time, my computer friends.  Hang tough.

PS~ How the eff do you use the Gonal F pen?  I need a little help.

A little clarification and lazy day

I realized my last post may make it sound like Husband doesn't want a baby. Without a doubt, he does.  I guess we just have different timelines in our heads.  I'm not sure what his is, but mine is have a baby NOW, do not pass go, do not collect $200.  Have the child now.  Maybe I need to discuss his timeline with him, huh?  Also, I'm not so upset that my co-workers are having babies.  It really is exciting for them.  It just feels like I'm getting passed by again by the baby fairy.  Should I leave a light on or something?  I mean damn.

Today has been a lazy day.  I had delusions of grandeur about cleaning the house and my car.  I thought about going shopping for some new pants and maybe a small birthday present for my husband.  I was supposed to make a birthday cake for him.  I'll still make the cake (mostly because if he doesn't get cake for his birthday I will NEVER hear the end of it), but I'm supremely good at procrastinating.  Besides, he hasn't gotten the cake display thingy down from the cabinet.  How can I make the cake if I can't display it?  Cake recipe will follow in perhaps my next post.  I'm too lazy to go get the recipe card at the moment!

One thing that's been aiding my procrastination is this little thing called Pinterest.  OMG.  It's day one for me on there and I haven't "pinned" anything yet, but HOLY CRAP is there a lot on there.  It's a little tricky to figure out.  Be patient with me, I'll starting pinning at some point.  I have to admit I don't think I'm hipster enough to pin, but you know.  If it's cool to me, it'll be pinned.  Whatever it is.

I'm going to go make that cake before my husband gets home (so it looks like I've done something besides lay around). My Mama Weezy knows the cake I speak of.  She started the tradition.  It's her fault (love you).

Fears

I'm not obsessing...maybe a little.  Ok, let's be honest, a lot.  Since I found out some of my meds may not be covered under my insurance, that puts us in a new ball game with this IVF stuff.  We'll have to make a choice between getting a house (which my husband wants) and doing IVF (which is what I want).  Don't get me wrong, husband wants the baby too, but he doesn't want to put off getting a house any longer.  I get that, but it's not even a question for me...IVF and baby win every time.  I know, IVF's not 100% successful and I have this last IUI left (and hey, that may work.  I'm just looking at that as my 11:59 miracle).  How do we come to an agreement?  I have the rest of my life to get a house, but a limited window to have a baby.

I'm scared that we'll never get a house, but I'm more afraid of never having a baby.  I'm afraid of bankrupting us over the possibility of children, when my reality is four cats and a husband.  I'm scared that my not-here-yet IUI won't work and we'll have absolutely no choice. 

Two co-workers have announced that their wives are having babies.  That's so exciting.  For them. Woo-effing-hoo.

If I go by the calendar I'm due for my period on Tuesday, the day after my husband's birthday  As I know too well, my cycles run long and I'll expect it on Friday instead.  Let's get this show on the road, dammit.

I have a confession

I'm a lurker.  I read many other infertility blogs, but rarely comment.  I think the main reason I never comment is because I don't feel like I can contribute to the conversation.  I'm starting to come out of my shell.  I've decloaked on a couple of blogs and have gotten good reception. I just feel like I'm saying 'hi, I've read your blog for 5 months, I know about your cycles and I'm commenting about your interest in Pinterest' or something.  I'm not a normal human being.  I know this.  Do I have lurkers?  I'm not sure.  I think most of my audience is my family and friends.  If you're lurking, please please please feel free to un-lurk. 

In other news, I found out my Follistim may not be covered under my insurance.  With my medical insurance, I have coverage for 3 IUIs and 3 IVFs in my lifetime, so why it wouldn't be covered is a mystery to me.  We do have coverage for our prescriptions through a different carrier (do most companies do this now?) so I'm thinking that may be why.  If none of the drugs are going to be covered, I may have to make some hard decisions.  It's slightly infuriating that I may have to choose (chose?  I can never remember which one is the right spelling) between a house or a baby.  Obviously, a baby would win, but dammit.  Maybe we should wait, get a house, borrow against that and then go all IVF?  I don't know what to do.  I do know that I'll be working overtime for the foreseeable future.  This is such a crappy thing to complain about when others I know have zero coverage for infertility.

I also ovulated this past week. The only reason that's of note is because it HURT.  It was so painful, I couldn't make any magic happen, so I'll be expecting the period in two weeks time.  At least I know to expect it, right?  Right.  Sigh.

I'm going to go drown my sorrows in a cup of broccoli and cheese soup.

7 things you didn't know about me

I think you're supposed to wait until you get some sort of blogging award for this, but I'm not waiting.  My blog isn't that popular and I have no patience.  In the interest of a blog that is not centered around my ovaries, here you go.

1.  My parents died when I was 8 and 13.  My mom died first of diabetes and kidney failure, my dad died from prostate cancer.  It was just bad luck.

2.  How I met my husband:  he dated my college roommate.  I swear, it sounds worse than it is.  We think that reaction is funny when we tell people how we met (was it really or are we full of ourselves?).

3.  My cats are all named after Star Wars characters.  Please don't charge us, Mr. Lucas.  My husband plays your video games and buys enough Legos as it is.

4.  My dream car is a Honda Accord, black and a stick shift.  It's completely achievable.  Give it here.

5.  I continue to be mystified why chocolate is not it's own food group.

6.  My husband may be a chef, but I do 98% of the cooking in the Weezy household.  If you fixed computers for a living, would you want to mess with them when you got home?  I think not.

7.  I was married the day before my birthday and I'm still trying to convince my husband that it's two separate days, so I get two separate gifts.  Last year, he gave my diamond earrings.  One on my birthday, one on my anniversary.  You can see how much he's convinced!

I now bestow upon my computer friends a recipe.  It is Chicken Divan, a casserole.  It is simple, dericious (no, it's not a typo) and Mr. Weezy's childhood fav.  Allow me to list the ingredients, ahem:

• Two chicken breasts, salted and peppered to taste, cooked and cubed
• One can of Cream of Chicken soup (I usually go with 98% fat free kind..heart healthy!)
• 1/2 cup of Mayo (low fat mayo..I never said this was calorie free)
• One teaspoon of lemon juice (enough to keep the soup loose)
• One 12oz package of frozen broccoli (I use the steamers, it just saves time and dishes)
• Curry powder to taste
• 1/2 cup of cheddar cheese, grated

Weezy, how do I cook this goodness?  Slow down, child, I'm about to tell you.

•  Take your steamed broccoli, put it in the bottom of a casserole dish (whatever seems big enough for you and your family)
• Put your cubed, cooked, salted, and peppered chicken over that
• Take your Chicken soup, Mayo, lemon juice, and Curry power, mix that up until it's all nice and yummy.  Pour that over your chicken and broccoli.
• Now my favorite part, put the cheese over the sauce
• Bake this lovely thing at 350 until golden brown (usually about 30 mins or so)

We usually serve this with low fat crescents and over rice.  Everything is to taste and I swear to you, so nummy.   Behold, darlings.  Below is a before picture of The Divan.  I cannot offer you an after picture. I'm afraid that my husband eats all of it one sitting.

The Divan, you can see I use white cheddar

Step up your game, yo

The appointment with Dr. R went well.  It's nice to be on the same page, he said he was going to call for a meeting if I hadn't done it first.  Love him!  Anyway, here's what we're doing:

We're going ahead with the last IUI, but we're stepping up the game a little.  I'll be using the Femara and Ovidrel like normal, but we're adding Follistim (or Gonal F depending on which manufacturer you get it from).  What is Follistim, Weezy?  Well, my non fertility speaking computer friends, it's an injection that helps to stimulate my follicles to like actually grow an egg.  My last cycle I was on Femara and Ovidrel, like normal, but it just took forever for my eggies to grow.  So, basically, Femara pills starting on cycle day 3 thru cycle day 7, 'Stim on days 5, 7, and 9 and then Ovidrel (meds to make me ovulate at a certain time) when my eggies are 18-20cm. 

The only issue I see with this is that I'll probably have to give myself the 'stim shot instead of my husband.  He's a champion shot giver, having practiced with allergy shots on our Mara cat.  He's never overdosed me and only overdosed her once, but that's a story for another time.  Long story short, Mara's still alive.  Anyway, Dr. R showed me the needle they use for 'stim and it's tiny, thankfully.  The idea of giving myself a shot still creeps me out.

Odette (my right ovary) is still alive and well, she's just moving slow.  It's nice to know that I'm not working with only Olivia (left ovary).  Dr. R addressed my concerns about OHSS (Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome).  It sounds painful and it's more common in patients with PCOS.  Thanks, ovaries. Thanks so much.  He promised he'd do everything to prevent OHSS (although, I'm pretty sure he has to prevent it anyway).  Basically, I'll go for ultrasounds and blood tests more often with 'stim to monitor Estrogen levels and see how my follies are doing. 

I'm also pretty sure he heard my biological clock.  We told him that our niece was born the day after Christmas and yay, so exciting (not being sarcastic, seriously)!  Then he asked the first day of my cycle, I answered with Dec 27th and without missing a beat he says "Oh, the day after your niece was born.  That must've been hard."  I love this guy, he totally gets it.  I agreed that yeah, it was kinda hard and it felt like my body was giving me a big F you. 

Anyhow, my darlings.  We all agreed that if this last IUI doesn't work we're going ahead with IVF.  Hanging out in the kiddie pool of infertility has been nice, but unproductive.  The big kid pool looks inviting, but I wonder if the water is warm?

T-Minus 48 hours or something like that

My appointment with Dr. R draws ever closer.  I'm getting kind of anxious (understatement).  I can't remember all the questions I want to ask him because I don't write them all down.  I usually carry a little notebook for list making in my purse(yes, I'm that person), but it's been MIA.  It says Hope on the front of it.  If any of my coworkers have seen it, can you let me know?  Kthanx.  What if the questions are something that's super important, that could change this whole course?  I'm psyching myself out.  Breathe, just breathe.  In and out.  In and out.

In other news, Mr. Weezy and I had a nice weekend.  We had dinner with his step dad and his mother on Thursday, saw them at our monthly poker night last night and breakfast this morning.  We only get to see them about every 6 months or so, and it was a good visit, but sadly we all lost at poker.  Sad pandas.  Mr. Weezy got an awesome picture of him with his brother and father that was taken when he was little.  It was nice to see his dad's face again, definitely a sight for sore eyeballs.

So I took some medication in front of a friend this weekend and she's all "Isn't that Metformin?"  Yeah, and a prenatal vitamin.  I need it to ovulate.  She then launched into this whole lecture about how I can cure my PCOS by diet and by magic I'll have a baby.  Yes, sweet pea, a good diet does help the disorder along with weight loss.  Did you miss the last few years that have entailed losing 50 pounds and changing my diet?  Obviously so.  Seriously guys, unless you have M.D. behind your name, don't give me medical advice. I've researched my issues and have been dealing with them for almost 5 years.  Everyone has a mother's-brother's-cousin's-aunt's-uncle's-sister's-father's-neighbor's-friend that couldn't have a baby. Then that person relaxed (that's quickly becoming my least favorite word), or gave up and surprise!  They're pregnant!  Thanks, really.  I'm not that person, though.

Also, someone posted this link in my comments earlier this week, under the post before this.  I do appreciate the input. I read the article and it definitely gave me a different insight to this infertility business, but I'm also not accepting that I'll never have children (I consider adopting having children.  Just because they don't grow in you, doesn't mean they aren't your baby).  Also, living child-free is not an option for me.  Ever.  I keep saying I'll either hatch a baby or buy a baby, and that's true.  I'll get a baby, one way or the other.  Since I have enabled anonymous comments, I don't know who you were, but thank you. I mean it.  <3

I leave you on a sad note.  I'm a die hard Pittsburgh Steelers fan and they lost to the Broncos tonight.  What many of you don't know is that I live in a divided house.  That means that while I'm a Steelers fan, my husband likes anyone that beats them.  He's the worst kind of fan...a fair weather fan.  Anyway.  I'm sure he'll be gloating his way around the house when he gets home from Casa de Noodle.  Fellow Steelers fans, please email your sympathies.  *tear*

I'm rambling here, just please go with me.

I got to hold my niece for the first time on Tuesday.  It was fantastic.  I held her for about 30 minutes and she slept the whole time with her little tootsies sticking straight out.  So stinkin cute. How could you not love that kiddo?  You can't help yourself, I promise you.  I know...I whined and fretted so much about how it was going to be when she was born.  I can't help but fret about the unknown...it's my nature. I worry.  If I can't plan, I worry...a lot. 

That brings me to Tuesday, January 10th.  Instead of holding my beloved niece, I'll be back up in stirrups with Mr. Wandy, trying to figure out the game plan.  Yay.  I can hardly wait.  Oh, I'm sorry, did you step in the sarcasm puddle?  My apologies.  I keep asking myself...how the eff did I get here?  How did it come to pass that I have to see a doctor to get pregnant and carry a baby?  There's probably about a million different little things that I did to encourage this infertility, but I can't think of them.  Or maybe I didn't do anything and this was going to happen one way or another.  Well...that's shit.  Just shit.  There's gotta be a reason, right?  Maybe it's the fact that my mom was diabetic with me (not type 2, type 1.  The kind you had to take insulin with, since she was 13).  That's some hard stuff to deal with.  But she dealt with it and came out with two babies. I can do it too.....right?  Maybe I was too fat for a short period of time (I lost 50 pounds after I got married.  Can I get a high five, y'all) and that screwed me all kinds of up.

So.  I'm sort of angry that I'm in this place, instead of having a nice easy time getting pregnant and staying pregnant.  I'm fretting that I can't control everything that Dr. R does.  I hate my body for going haywire and now I have these retarded super awesome ovaries that pump out all kinds of hormones.  But I guess all infertiles hate where they are.  At what point does acceptance come?  Sigh.

Now, if you'll forgive me, I have to go shove a pill down a cat's throat.  Toodles.