My pharmacist and I started trying to conceive around the same time. She's due in February with a little girl. Obviously, I've lost the "race" (yes, my head knows it's not a race. My heart doesn't, don't judge me). Lori* told me she was pregnant the week before I had my lap in September and my reaction was not so bueno. I got a huge fake smile on my face and sort of said through my teeth "I'm so happy for you". Lori felt so awkward and I knew it. I left the store, ashamed that I couldn't actually be happy for her.
A few weeks later, I returned and started apologizing to her. She's been on this entire journey with me, from my first pregnancy and miscarriage until now, I owed my friend an apology big time. We were catching up on all the fertility goings on when I hear a woman behind me say 'Oh honey, maybe being infertile is God's way of saying you'll be a bad mother.' Bitch, what? I wish I could say that I turned around and gave this woman a piece of my mind, where to stick her opinion, etc, but I didn't. I was already emotionally raw and this woman found one of my buttons. I collapsed in tears and had to leave. That holier than thou cow doesn't know it, but she ruined that entire day for me. Bitch. The kicker was she had a bible in her purse, sticking out like she had some inside line to God. How very christian of you, madam.
But it leads me to the question: would I actually be a bad mother? Does the all knowing being in the sky know something that I don't? I don't feel like I'd be a bad mother. I don't know...part of me says not to think on it, that she was wrong. But there's that nagging what if. These are the thoughts that roll around in my head when I'm trying to sleep.
*Pharmacist's name has been changed
Wow... If you are half as good with a child as you are with your cats you will be fantastic.... and somehow I dont see you being half as good. Better by half again maybe but not half as good.
ReplyDeleteYou know you'd be a good Mom, stop worring...LOL.
ReplyDeleteI am so angry at that woman right now. You are so strong. The things people will actually think and say out loud to another person should no longer shock me, but my jaw dropped so much that my mouth is on the ground. What an idiot, in the first place, to even think that! By her reasoning, there would never be a bad mother because God doesn't allow women who will be bad mothers to conceive and deliver babies. Beth, the fact that it is so important to you to have children tells me that you will be a WONDERFUL mother. I know its easier said than done, but you can't think like that or allow the rudeness and blatant stupidity of others occupy your mind and control your day.
ReplyDeletewhat a bish, she needs a punch in the face - m
ReplyDeletePunch bish in face & say "this is God's way of saying STFU!" :X -m
ReplyDeleteBabe, I said it before and I'll say it again: If infertility were God's way of telling you that you would be a bad mother, there would be a lot more infertility in this world! Maybe by allowing you to working for a child, and long for a child,he is preparing your heart even more to be greatful and blessed when your family welcomes it's next (human) member! Much love ~ Your Sis-in-Law
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