Good riddance 2011

I would say that I'm sorry to see 2011 to go, but I'd be lying.  You hear that, 2011?  I'm ready for you to be over.  I need good things in 2012, good things and good times.  Here's my list of hopes and dreams for 2012.

• I want to feel normal again.  I feel like half a person right now.  My husband needs his normal wife back.  I'm going to do what I can to make that happen.
• A positive pregnancy test
• A fetal heartbeat
• Can I get a positive viability scan up in here?
• We need to buy a house.  We're really close to doing that.
• I need to have more fun.  FUN!

It's a short list..some are things in my control, others are not.  I have a hard time with things not being in my control.  Don't judge me.  I also broke my Face.book fast last night.  It lasted for all of 12 hours. We'll see how long I can push it today.  I'm breaking the FB habit!

Everyone have a safe and happy evening.  The new year is full of possibilities!

I'm pissed

So if you're in a good mood, this may not be the post for you. You may want to sit this one out.  As I was telling someone that my niece was born earlier this week, I heard someone say "see what happens when you relax?"  No.  I don't see what happens when I relax, you asshat.  I see that my sister in law and brother in law had a beautiful baby girl. 

Really?  Really, people.  You don't think that in the last four and a half years that I haven't "relaxed" or "just had fun" and "didn't think about it".  You don't think I've tried all that?  Has it occurred to anyone that infertility is a medical condition?  That's right-a medical condition.  One that has to be diagnosed and treated by a doctor.   If anyone tells me to stand on my head after sex, I will punch you, I mean it.

What is the point of telling an infertile to relax?  Tell me.  Because I've been pregnant three times, only to experience heartbreak every single time.  Forgive me if I have a little PTSD after three D&Cs, a tumor removal, then another surgery to remove scar tissue from my previous surgeries.   That whole 'your time will come' thing is annoying too.  My time has come and gone and I hope it comes back around. 

*sigh*  I need a break from Face.book too. I'm tired of seeing babies, parents, sonograms, announcements....pretty much anything that's related to a baby that is not mine.  If you need to find me, you can find me here.  If you need updates, come here. I will not be available on that torture device called Face.book.

Now.  Someone bring me my wine and cheesecake.

Happy belated holidays

Sorry I missed the holidays, but it's been a busy few days here in Weezy world.  My husband closed down Casa de Noodle on Christmas eve, we got up early on Christmas day to drive to south Florida.  It was a good day, but very busy.  Our baby niece arrived the day after Christmas, so that was pretty awesome.  We've been taking care of their animals while my brother in law and sister in law are in the hospital.  Good times, folks.  Good times.  Let's just say that I hate small dogs.

I'm not going to lie, computer friends.  It's been a hard couple of days for me.  My niece was born and that's GREAT...but I feel sort of....I don't even know how to describe it.  At first I was excited and happy, then a little sad that it wasn't us and now I just feel kind of numb. What upsets me most about this infertility crap tree is that my husband is not a father.  I cannot seem to give that gift to him.  I am disappointed in my uterus and ovaries...can I possibly trade them in for a model that actually works?

My January 10th appointment is not so rapidly approaching.  I'm writing down questions that I want to ask Dr. R.  Here's what I have so far:

1.)  Why doesn't Odette (my right ovary.  What?  You don't name your organs?) work anymore?  Can we replace her with one that does?

2.)  Can we up the ante with this last IUI?  New drugs?  I don't care how crappy they make me feel, hatch me a kid, puhleeze!

3.)  Should I be scared of IVF and all the injections?  Can you teach me how handle all of that?

4.)   Can my husband and I take a vacation in mid-April and not mess up this infertility schedule?  Have I mentioned that I need to have a baby like now? 

5.)  Can you hear my biological clock? Don't let it scare you.  I hear it all of the time.

Ok, so maybe the last one I won't include, but you get the idea. I'm positive this last IUI hoop that I have to jump through won't work, so I'm already looking ahead to IVF.  I cannot express how much I want a child. 

Also, today is cycle day 2.  For you non-infertile speakers, that translates to the following:  My period came yesterday and is trying to claw its way out of my body currently.  I suppose that I have the option of calling my clinic to start the last IUI, but I'm not doing that until I have a plan laid out in front of me. I'm a planner, a list keeper, an oraganizer.  I'm going nuts right now because I don't have a plan.

Anyway...that's the update.  Same old stuff, different day.  I'm going to go spend time with my friends the heating pad, Ty.lenol and my kittens.  :)

2012 is gonna be my year..maybe, I'm not sure. We'll see.

I am so annoyed.  I'm due for my period on Christmas. Christmas!  Wtf, universe, really?  Can't we wait until like...Tuesday?  Whatever, pass me the wine.  All of it. And the food, dammit.  All of that too.

I'm going to try and make this as fertility free as possible. I feel like I whine too much about all that and it's all anyone knows about me.  So I give you, a picture show!

First, my kitties!!
 

Mara Jade is the tortie shell and Obi is in the tux

My sweetness, Jaina Leigh

Aayla Hampton (the baby) and her daddy




A couple of shots of me and my man:

Ok, so maybe not the best shot of him, but a decent shot of me

Husband and me, super short hair!!

 Yeah, so that's us.  Just normal, everyday people trying to hatch a kid.  Please let 2012 be our year.  Otherwise I may go batshit insane.