Long time, no blog

Hello!!  So sorry for the delay in blogging. I was super sick last week and it's taken awhile for me to feel like myself.  It's so awesome going through fertility treatments while dealing with fevers.  My favorite!

To update you on where I'm at, I'm waiting on follicles to mature enough for the second IUI.  I'll go in for an ultrasound tomorrow to see what's happening with my stupid awesome ovaries.   I'm not expecting this one to work and I plan on taking December off to enjoy Christmas.  I'm really catching the Christmas spirit (it's not even Thanksgiving, I know!!) so I'm focusing most of my energy on decorating and present planning/shopping.

I have a couple of friends and my sister in law due to have their babies right around Christmas.  I'm really not sure how to deal with this.  I know I'm supposed to go the hospital and be super overjoyed happy for everyone...but please tell me how.  How can I be so happy for these fantastic people in my life when I'm so sad and heartbroken for me?  I'm afraid once I hold the baby, I'll break down and sob all over her.  I feel like everyone there would be thinking 'oh that poor infertile woman, she's losing her mind'.

I know this sounds selfish...it certainly feels selfish.  I'm just trying to hold on to my sanity while my dreams pass me by.  I've been reading other infertility blogs and a lot of the women say how they feel left behind, or left out of the "Mommy Club."  That's exactly how I feel.  My friends and family are getting to experience the wonders and difficulties of parenthood while I'm stuck in this awful phase of trying to have a baby.  I hate where I'm at right now, emotionally speaking.  I used to be a happy person, but now I'm sad most of the time.  I hate what infertility has done to me.

Anyway, enough poor pity me.  I have decorating to do!