Time off..how I love you!

I went to the mall yesterday for some shopping and the fertiles were out in force.  I saw more strollers, newborn babies, and pregnant women than my brain could comprehend.  I was strangely ok with it.  You may ask why...I'm about to tell you.

I'm taking the month of December off for couple of reasons. I don't want think about getting pregnant when other loved ones are having babies.  This time is about my family and I need to focus on that..  I also need to readjust my attitude with all of this. When I'm actually doing infertility (IF) treatments, I feel like I have a big I for Infertility on my forehead, like a scarlet letter.  Now that I'm taking time off, I feel normal.  I don't have swiss cheese brain like I've had for the last few months and I'm not as emotional, thankfully.  I've only done the two IUI's with Femara  (others may know it as Letrozole) and Ovidrel (the trigger shot that makes you ovulate), which is at the beginners stage of treatment. If the next one fails, it's on to IVF.  That's a whole other ballgame that scares me and I'm trying not to get ahead of myself.

I'm also toying with the idea of having a meeting with my doctor to regroup after the two failed IUIs.  Part of me wants to wait, but the other wants to readjust my plan.  I'm not sure though, I don't want to be that high maintenance patient that they hate.  Maybe I should wait until after the third IUI?  Feedback would be appreciated.

This is the first week that I haven't had to go to the doctor for ultrasounds to check on my retarded  awesome ovaries and it felt so strange.  Don't get me wrong, it was great to sleep in on my days off with my husband, Mr. AWeezey, but it just felt weird to not meet Mr. Wandy (internal ultrasound wand) this week.  I will enjoy the break and not send Mr. Wandy a card.  He gets enough action on his own!

Just Adopt!

You've heard it, you know you have.  You're talking to a friend/cousin/uncle/Mom/Dad/whatever about your struggles with infertility and they say, "oh honey, why don't you just adopt?."  People, please.  I know you mean well and I know you want to stop your loved one from sobbing (I've been this loved one far too much), but it's not "just adopting".  Allow me to explain. 

Speaking strictly from my own experience here, I have a strong drive to have a biological child.  It certainly helps that I have insurance coverage for treatment, but my husband is cute and blonde.  I want to have his cute blonde baby, and I want my child to be tall like he is...not short like me.  There is nothing wrong with that.  My husband and I actually plan on adopting, but quite frankly, IF treatments are cheaper with the insurance than adoption will be.  However, if you're willing to lend me the $30,000 it can cost to adopt, I would be forever grateful and would maybe name my child after you....maybe.

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Anyhoo, Thanksgiving was magnificent.  As usual, my husband made fantastic turkey and gravy (he actually killed it on the gravy).  My favorite part of the holiday (and this going to sound really selfish)...it was completely baby free.  It was so nice to not feel awkward, I can't even tell you.  That was probably the best gift when I'm facing a baby filled December.

This coming month is going to be so weird for me. I'll be happy to see babies born, especially my niece, but it's going to be so hard for my mental state.  Much to my husband's dismay, I'm developing a reward system for myself.  I can't deal with all this crap and not have a mani/pedi!  I just can't!

Also, the second IUI didn't work.  I found that out today. One more and we move on to IVF.

My new mantra:  I will get through this...I will get through this..I will get through this...

The 2 week wait...the second time around

We had our second IUI this morning.  During our first IUI, I was feeling a little tense and said to the doctor (not my normal one, another one in the practice) what a big catheter he had.  I was trying to make a joke, my husband got it, but the nurse and Dr. L didn't even respond...how awkward.  I told my doctor, Dr. R, about what happened and he laughed.  At least he gets me.  Anyway, things looked as good as they can and seeing Dr. R and his nurses was nice, considering I've seen ultrasound techs for the past month.  This is normal, but I like my doctor and his nurses a lot.  They get my sense of humor..what can I say?

Thanksgiving is one week away and I'm so looking forward to stuffing my face with yummy goodness.  My husband is a chef, so he cooks the turkey every year while his stepmother does the side dishes.  They're both awesome cooks and my mother in law makes the best mashed potatoes in the land.  My husband was kind enough to volunteer us to cook a Thanksgiving meal for his restaurant...I clearly have plenty to keep me busy over the next week!!  I'll just do a lot of Christmas shopping the second week...and try not to test (keyword being try).

I've been trying to focus on the positive things in my life.  I'm tired of being sad and focusing on what I don't have.  I should be thankful for everything that I do have.  Below is a list of all the things I'm thankful for...it's in no particular order, of course.

I, BWeezy, am thankful for the following people, places, and things:

• Insurance with infertility coverage!!
• My husband, without him I am positive I would be going insane.
• My family, both in laws and my side.  I'm not sure I could get through all of this without your support.
• My four furbaby cats:  Obi, Mara, Jaina, and Aayla.  Their unconditional love and purrs keep me going...not to mention cleaning up cat puke.
• My friends..you know who you are.  You pick me up every day when I'm falling apart.
• Chocolate!
• Saint Augustine...I love a good getaway with my husband!

That is my list of the things I'm thankful for...and love.  I really do love chocolate!

Long time, no blog

Hello!!  So sorry for the delay in blogging. I was super sick last week and it's taken awhile for me to feel like myself.  It's so awesome going through fertility treatments while dealing with fevers.  My favorite!

To update you on where I'm at, I'm waiting on follicles to mature enough for the second IUI.  I'll go in for an ultrasound tomorrow to see what's happening with my stupid awesome ovaries.   I'm not expecting this one to work and I plan on taking December off to enjoy Christmas.  I'm really catching the Christmas spirit (it's not even Thanksgiving, I know!!) so I'm focusing most of my energy on decorating and present planning/shopping.

I have a couple of friends and my sister in law due to have their babies right around Christmas.  I'm really not sure how to deal with this.  I know I'm supposed to go the hospital and be super overjoyed happy for everyone...but please tell me how.  How can I be so happy for these fantastic people in my life when I'm so sad and heartbroken for me?  I'm afraid once I hold the baby, I'll break down and sob all over her.  I feel like everyone there would be thinking 'oh that poor infertile woman, she's losing her mind'.

I know this sounds selfish...it certainly feels selfish.  I'm just trying to hold on to my sanity while my dreams pass me by.  I've been reading other infertility blogs and a lot of the women say how they feel left behind, or left out of the "Mommy Club."  That's exactly how I feel.  My friends and family are getting to experience the wonders and difficulties of parenthood while I'm stuck in this awful phase of trying to have a baby.  I hate where I'm at right now, emotionally speaking.  I used to be a happy person, but now I'm sad most of the time.  I hate what infertility has done to me.

Anyway, enough poor pity me.  I have decorating to do!