Survival

Several people have emailed or texted me to see how I'm doing.  I say I'm fine, but really I'm barely holding it together.  It's difficult being back at the beginning, right where I was seven years ago. A miscarriage, a surgery, no baby.  I feel like we've made zero progress.

People have asked why I chose to go with the D&C so quickly. Because multiple ultrasounds and waiting would have been torture. I wanted Dr. R to be able to get fetal tissue for genetic testing, which he did. In a couple of weeks we'll have those results and maybe a new plan. My only fear is that he'll come back with news that my body will always kill our babies and he can't help. Is that irrational? It doesn't feel like it.

Husband has been amazingly supportive. We are both sad and angry. I cry a lot, but I try not to cry around him. It's not that I can't lean on him, I just don't want to overwhelm him. Our anniversary is on the 14th and my birthday is on the 15th. I hate that we'll be fresh from losing MB.  I feel like I ruined our anniversary with miscarriage number four.

So that's where I am...Just surviving.  Tomorrow I'm going to start calling around to find a therapist. I'm smart enough to know I can't get through this shit on my own this time.

Before I end this, I just wanted to say thank you for all of the support. From my husband, our family, our friends and from perfect strangers. This is hard, but having such support makes it a tiny bit easier. We love you guys.