Fake it till you make it

I've been trying to come up with an upbeat post for like...ever.  I feel like the last few posts have been a boo-hoo, poor Beth fest. For the life of me, I don't have much excitement in me.  The last few weeks have included a root canal (me), a migraine on our anniversary (Husband) and a wicked cold that has taken my voice for two days (Husband has been so pleased).  We bought tickets to the Dave.Mat.thews.Ba.nd show in Tam.pa that's coming in July.  I think Husband agreed to spend the money because I just need to look forward to something  The first show we went to was about six months after our first miscarriage and it was the first time I felt like myself in a long time.  I'd be lying if I told you that I'm not looking for the same result.  I just want to feel like myself again.

Going back to work was ok, but people kept coming up to me and giving me hugs and saying they're sorry.  I appreciate the support, but it was really nice when I was able to jump back into giving everyone a hard time.  It's our thing at work.  The meaner the jokes, the better the friend.  What?  I work with a bunch of guys, don't judge. 


We had our first appointment with the counselor, whom I will refer to as Dr. Spaghetti.  His hair looked like pasta on his head.  If you have curly hair, more power to you.  Just umm..do something with it.  Anyway, he was nice.  Maybe a little hippy-ish.  I'm going back on my own, since he deemed our marriage healthy and Husband as one of the most supportive husbands he's seen.  The first appointment didn't really blow me away, but I'm willing to give it another shot.

One annoying physical leftover from MB is that my boobs are lactating.  I was laying on Husband the other day and when I got up, my left boob was dripping.  It just pisses me off. It's a cruel reminder when part of me just wants to forget that I was pregnant.  We have MB's ultrasound and the embryo pictures still up on the fridge because Husband wants to keep them.  I just want to throw them away, they're reminders that I want to ignore.   A big part of me wants to forget that I was pregnant because maybe it wouldn't hurt to be reminded that I'm not.  So..forgive me if I don't comment on your baby pictures or pregnancy updates.  I just can't right now, but it doesn't mean that I don't care.  Christ on a stick, I hate sounding like this.

On a brighter note, I had a nice chat with my brother in law when Husband was down with his migraine.  Brother in law asked how I was doing and followed it up with "I hope you're not blaming yourself."  He kind of hit the nail on the head.  See, when this is is fresh and I have no answers, my mind goes automatically to blaming myself.  Maybe if I hadn't taken that hot shower...or what if I took one too many tylenol when I had that headache...should I not have lifted that case of beer?  All of these stupid questions add up to me trying to find a reason as to why MB died, why my body continues to betray me, that maybe it's something I'm doing.  Anyway, BIL (brother in law) said that it's not like I'm pulling some imaginary trigger.  That really clicked with me.  He's right.  I'm not sabotaging these pregnancies and this is not my fault.  I'm not doing drugs or drinking alcohol when I'm pregnant.  I'm not subconsciously killing our babies.   BIL and I are not particularly close, but sometimes you find support where you least expect it.  Big hug to him. 

So I'm in a delicate balance of putting myself back together.  Life goes on and I'm ok until I'm not, but then I circle my way back around to ok.  Now, excuse me, but a gigantic glass of wine and a chocolate bunny are calling me.  Xoxo, my peeps.  I leave you with this affirmation:

Seems legit!

Still kicking

I'm really not one for dogs, but I find this so appropriate right now.  I've been making myself get out of the house and to be around people.  I'm finding myself just sitting there while the conversation happens around me... I'm really not up to contributing anything meaningful. So far I've just been around family and one super close friend and they've all taken it easy on me. I'm so thankful for that.

I go back to work on Monday, but I don't feel ready at all. I want people to leave me alone, but be available for a hug at the same time.  Support me, but don't push me. On the other hand, maybe I need a little push. I don't know. We'll see what I can handle. I'm not ruling out the possibility of a breakdown, though. I like to keep my options open.

Speaking of a breakdown, I made an appointment with a therapist for Thursday. I'm anxious to get in there and maybe learn some coping skills. I'm going to try not to cry. I'm sick of crying.  Making the phone call was a little harder then I expected, but at least  made it. I am not ashamed of needing counseling, if anyone is wondering.

Well, this is a Debbie downer post.  I'll leave you with a pic of the delish margarita I had yesterday at 1130 am.  Again, no shame.  A little liquid  courage never hurt anyone. Xoxo

Survival

Several people have emailed or texted me to see how I'm doing.  I say I'm fine, but really I'm barely holding it together.  It's difficult being back at the beginning, right where I was seven years ago. A miscarriage, a surgery, no baby.  I feel like we've made zero progress.

People have asked why I chose to go with the D&C so quickly. Because multiple ultrasounds and waiting would have been torture. I wanted Dr. R to be able to get fetal tissue for genetic testing, which he did. In a couple of weeks we'll have those results and maybe a new plan. My only fear is that he'll come back with news that my body will always kill our babies and he can't help. Is that irrational? It doesn't feel like it.

Husband has been amazingly supportive. We are both sad and angry. I cry a lot, but I try not to cry around him. It's not that I can't lean on him, I just don't want to overwhelm him. Our anniversary is on the 14th and my birthday is on the 15th. I hate that we'll be fresh from losing MB.  I feel like I ruined our anniversary with miscarriage number four.

So that's where I am...Just surviving.  Tomorrow I'm going to start calling around to find a therapist. I'm smart enough to know I can't get through this shit on my own this time.

Before I end this, I just wanted to say thank you for all of the support. From my husband, our family, our friends and from perfect strangers. This is hard, but having such support makes it a tiny bit easier. We love you guys.

Speechless

I don't know what to say. I'm not in a very good place right now.  Tomorrow is the D&C. Dr. R is going to collect tissue and try to figure out why this keeps happening.  I just want this to be over so we can heal.

Maybe later I'll write about how excited we were, how we thought that this was it.  Right now I'd just like to thank Heidi for her sweet post,  all of my computer friends for their support, and our family for their love.  Y'all are floating me since I'm floundering in this sea of fucked up infertility.

Forgive me if I'm absent for awhile. Xoxo