Promises, Promises

I caved.  For reasons I cannot explain I tested last night, and of course, it came back negative.  I'm not sure what I expected...it was entirely too early to test.  Why why why why do I torture myself?!  Argggggggg!!!

Anyway.  Allow me to go back a few months and tell you a story.  In May, I made my first appointement with my RE and literally two days later we found out that my brother in law and his wife were having a baby.  My husband was super excited, he was going to be an uncle (yay)!  I was happy for them, but incredibly jealous and angry as well.  I hate the feeling of jealousy, it's so disgusting.  My husband was shocked at my reaction, shocked that I cried and was angry.  I felt like I just mustered up the courage to start on this infertility journey and already I was being knocked down on the perverbial (is that even spelled right?) life ladder.  Awesome.

Fast forward to present day, I've felt the baby move in her tummy (weird), my husband and I bought gifts and a stroller for the baby, and I still feel jealous.  Is this normal?  Maybe.  I feel awful that I haven't been able to be an active aunt-to-be.  I've been distant to both my brother in law and his wife.  I will very occassionaly avoid situations that include them (please note, I've started doing this with a lot of pregnant friends.  I'm isolating myself, I know) because it's just too hard to hear the baby talk and excitement.  I feel awkward being the only one that's not over the moon about this..it feels so selfish. 

The reason I'm telling you all of this is because I received an invitation for her baby shower.  I think it would be too weird to go, both for them and me.  I would be torturing myself.  I'm probably the worst sister in law ever.  Ever.  I promise I will not be the worst aunt.  I promise I'll be the aunt that buys the coolest presents and the cutest clothes, and not just for holidays either.  I'll buy them just because.  When she's old enough, I'll give her candy and let her stay up late if she sleeps over. I'll teach her how to love animals, how to be gentle with them. Most of all, I will love her and help her dreams come true

I promise I'll be a good aunt.  My infertility will not damage my relationship with my niece.  I will not let it bleed over into that relationship too.