My middle, your beginning

So, here we are.  This is will be a blog about my journey through infertility.  Good, bad, or ugly, these are just my opinions and experiences posted here, with some facts.  If you are a spelling or grammar nut, I advise you to turn away now.

I'm starting this blog sort of in the middle of my process, but in same ways it's the beginning as well.  My husband and I had our first IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) today.  My husband is more hopeful than I am.  I'm scared for it to work, but I'm afraid that it won't work.  If I do manage to get pregnant, this will be my fourth pregnancy after three miscarriages.  I am nervous and I'm trying to relax about it, so please do not tell me to do so.  I know all the sayings:  Just relax, it'll happen, Don't try so hard, Don't think about it.  Allow me to tell you, all of those sayings are insulting to an infertile person.  I have to try hard, otherwise it won't happen.  I track every day of my cycle for medication and ultrasounds, I absolutely have to think about it.

I feel like my life is sort of in limbo between desperately wanting a baby and actually having one.  My husband and I make long term plans like children are a sure thing.  We're planning on buying house, but where are the best schools?  Should we get a new car?  Better make sure it can fit a carseat.  I'm secretly (is it really so secret?) pretending to be confident about having children.  I'm tired of faking it.

I'm not even sure what I want from writing this blog.  Mostly I just need it to let my feelings out.  When I was younger I used to write, but life happened and I stopped.  Maybe this will help me get back into it.