Project Delayed

I was so hoping that this month would be a go for this Project Baby Weezy.  Sadly, AF showed up last night and here we are back at the beginning.  Was it naive to be so hopeful this first time?  I was excited to be doing something, finally I was moving in the direction of having a baby. 

Two steps forward, one step back, right?  You know that song is going to be stuck in your head all day.

Enjoy!

Promises, Promises

I caved.  For reasons I cannot explain I tested last night, and of course, it came back negative.  I'm not sure what I expected...it was entirely too early to test.  Why why why why do I torture myself?!  Argggggggg!!!

Anyway.  Allow me to go back a few months and tell you a story.  In May, I made my first appointement with my RE and literally two days later we found out that my brother in law and his wife were having a baby.  My husband was super excited, he was going to be an uncle (yay)!  I was happy for them, but incredibly jealous and angry as well.  I hate the feeling of jealousy, it's so disgusting.  My husband was shocked at my reaction, shocked that I cried and was angry.  I felt like I just mustered up the courage to start on this infertility journey and already I was being knocked down on the perverbial (is that even spelled right?) life ladder.  Awesome.

Fast forward to present day, I've felt the baby move in her tummy (weird), my husband and I bought gifts and a stroller for the baby, and I still feel jealous.  Is this normal?  Maybe.  I feel awful that I haven't been able to be an active aunt-to-be.  I've been distant to both my brother in law and his wife.  I will very occassionaly avoid situations that include them (please note, I've started doing this with a lot of pregnant friends.  I'm isolating myself, I know) because it's just too hard to hear the baby talk and excitement.  I feel awkward being the only one that's not over the moon about this..it feels so selfish. 

The reason I'm telling you all of this is because I received an invitation for her baby shower.  I think it would be too weird to go, both for them and me.  I would be torturing myself.  I'm probably the worst sister in law ever.  Ever.  I promise I will not be the worst aunt.  I promise I'll be the aunt that buys the coolest presents and the cutest clothes, and not just for holidays either.  I'll buy them just because.  When she's old enough, I'll give her candy and let her stay up late if she sleeps over. I'll teach her how to love animals, how to be gentle with them. Most of all, I will love her and help her dreams come true

I promise I'll be a good aunt.  My infertility will not damage my relationship with my niece.  I will not let it bleed over into that relationship too.

Two weeks?!

Apparently I have to wait two weeks from my IUI  to take a pregnancy test.  This wasn't unexpected and I knew it in my head, but my heart was hoping I'd be able to tell something right away.  No such luck.  When my husband and I were trying for a baby the first time, I became addicted to pregnancy tests and ovulation predictors..  If we collected all those tests I took, I swear we could wallpaper each bathroom. Pathetic?  Maybe.  As you can probably tell, patience is not my virtue, I want results NOW! Alas, for the next week and a half I will try to occupy myself with work and friends, and do my best to ignore the package of pregnancy tests that calls my name every morning.

My husband and I went to a wedding this weekend, his cousin got married to her long time fiance.  It was beautiful and such a wonderful celebration of love.  Weddings always make me realize how my husband really is the perfect man for me.  He loves me for who I am, doesn't try to change me, he holds me up when I'm feeling so low.  When I'm feeling really down, really tortured by the universe, I will go to him.  He knows exactly what to say to wake me up, make me realize that this is not my fault.  I didn't wake up one day and decide to be infertile.  I often feel guilty about being depressed over this infertility issue...I mean, my life with my husband is REALLY good and I'm so happy with him, so why should I be so sad?  Am I asking the happiness fairies for too much?  I hope not.

So I am in a waiting period until November 1st.  Can someone speed up the clock?

My middle, your beginning

So, here we are.  This is will be a blog about my journey through infertility.  Good, bad, or ugly, these are just my opinions and experiences posted here, with some facts.  If you are a spelling or grammar nut, I advise you to turn away now.

I'm starting this blog sort of in the middle of my process, but in same ways it's the beginning as well.  My husband and I had our first IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) today.  My husband is more hopeful than I am.  I'm scared for it to work, but I'm afraid that it won't work.  If I do manage to get pregnant, this will be my fourth pregnancy after three miscarriages.  I am nervous and I'm trying to relax about it, so please do not tell me to do so.  I know all the sayings:  Just relax, it'll happen, Don't try so hard, Don't think about it.  Allow me to tell you, all of those sayings are insulting to an infertile person.  I have to try hard, otherwise it won't happen.  I track every day of my cycle for medication and ultrasounds, I absolutely have to think about it.

I feel like my life is sort of in limbo between desperately wanting a baby and actually having one.  My husband and I make long term plans like children are a sure thing.  We're planning on buying house, but where are the best schools?  Should we get a new car?  Better make sure it can fit a carseat.  I'm secretly (is it really so secret?) pretending to be confident about having children.  I'm tired of faking it.

I'm not even sure what I want from writing this blog.  Mostly I just need it to let my feelings out.  When I was younger I used to write, but life happened and I stopped.  Maybe this will help me get back into it.