Motherhood...

I blog to you now with an almost five week old drooling on me. The drool is a mixture of formula and tears since I was slow getting the bottle ready and she lost her absolute mind in about 30 seconds.  I'm pleased she's sleeping, but I have at least 20 more minutes of rocking, otherwise she'll pop right back up when I put her down.

The last five weeks have been.. Amazing and difficult and full of tears (mine and Abby's).  Breastfeeding was a bust. I engorged for two days, then it was gone. Abby wouldn't latch ever, she just pushed the boob away.  The nurses and lactation consultant all thought she didn't want to work for it.. That's my kid. I'm an instant gratification girl and so is she. So, in order to save myself one iota of stress I cut my losses and went with formula... And if you have something to say about that, keep it to yourself.

Sleep: Holy shit, I miss sleep.  She started sleeping in four hour blocks once we bought the rock and play. Hallelujah, four hours of sleep. We even had an Easter miracle, she slept six hours on good Friday. The next night.. Oh that was on like redneck donkey Kong. Abby decided to cry from 12-5 in the morning. On one hand, I was impressed with her commitment. On the other, I was losing my own mind.  Nothing was wrong, she ate, was changed, rocked bounced driven around and still, losing her mind.  Andrew and I took turns with her, I drove her around and got pulled over for not making a complete stop at 4am in my one horse town. I rolled down the window and Abigail let out a wail, the cop asked what I was doing and I said trying to get my daughter to sleep.. You wanna try?  So I was let go with a sympathetic look and a laugh. That ass.

But then there have been good times. Abby loves baths, so those are fun. She completely relaxes and basks in the warm water, her favorite thing is to have her hair washed. She likes to go on walks around the neighborhood. We do this thing we call kiss attacks.  We lean over her and kiss her all over. She's so close to smiling when we do that,  I love it. I've taken her to my husband's restaurant to visit him, she likes to look all around and doesn't mind the noise. Everyone comments how beautiful she is (duh) and on how much hair she has (the heartburn was worth it).

So.. Motherhood is fucking hard, but the good parts are super good. Like right now, she's snoring on my shoulder but I could die from the cuteness. I've found that motherhood has brought up issues from my childhood, but mostly tons of anxiety. Sometimes (a lot) I'll lay awake at night, panicking if I'm doing things right.. If not, am I screwing her up? Is this common? Am I just insane?

Anyway.. My 20 minutes are up and it's late. I'm going to try to get some rest before Chicken Little wakes up. Pictures next time. Bloggers mobile app sucks. Xoxo