Acceptance

I'm currently 17 weeks and change.  My belly popped this week, so I'm actually looking pregnant instead of fat.  I feel little baby flutters and the occasional kick..or maybe it's just gas.  Either way I feel something, mostly at night. I'm solidly in maternity clothes...never underestimate the power of a stretchy waistline, people.  It's important. 

Even with all of this, I'm having trouble accepting that a baby is going to come out of me in March.  It's easier for me to accept that I'll have empty arms instead of a crying, pooping, being little Weezy.  It's strange to not identify as an infertile, too.  For so long that was my label, where I fit, the doctors that I saw all specialized in uteri, ovaries, and cycle days.  Now I'm lumped in with all of these regular pregnant people and I don't know what to feel.  Mostly I feel out of place.  I sort of feel like we cheated, getting pregnant the old fashioned way.  Does that make me...fertile?  I can't even fathom it. What am I?  Where do I identify?  What do I do with all of my miscarriage baggage?

I've put off registering until we know what Cinco is (two and a half weeks, just fyi) because it just made sense.  Why register for all this gender neutral stuff when I can pick colors.  I put off buying maternity clothes until absolutely necessary because I was afraid I'd jinx something.  My goal this week is to buy the crib. It's a big step and I'm working up to it.  I know I've got plenty of time to get ready, but I feel like I need to force myself to start jumping into the baby pool...otherwise I'll just delay, procrastinate and avoid.  Ahh, avoidance.  My favorite.  My plan is to go to Ik.ea on Thursday after my monthly check up and buy the crib.  Hold me to it, please.

 So far, this pregnancy has been largely uncomplicated.  Forgive the terrible nausea and the occasional ligament pull, I'm ok.  Symptoms right now include exhaustion, hunger and nausea.  The nausea went away, but reared its ugly head last week when I stopped Dic.legis.  So I'm back on it, which helps my motion sickness issues and I can't let my tummy get empty.  Soooooooo I'm eating everything, but I can still fit into my pre-pregnancy size, although it's in maternity pants (stretchy jeans, guys).  Maybe I haven't gained too much weight?  Cross your fingers.

So that's where I'm at.  Struggling to accept this experience will have a good outcome, accepting my changing body and needs, and working up the courage to buy something just for the baby.  I miss wine...a lot.  Xoxo