Starting over

Hi?  Hello?  Peeps?  Sorry about the radio silence.  I needed to step away from everything fertility related to get my mind right.  I was to the point where I was thinking about being pregnant or not being pregnant all.the.time. Every day was X number of days since MB, every week the same.  To say I was bitter was an understatement.  I tried to blog on Mother's Day, but everything that came out was bitter and ugly, it made me sick of myself.  I'm not the type to wallow, but there I was.

Over the last sixweeks I've gotten my shit together.  I've made myself go out with friends, be around babies and kids, and (if I'm being honest) I even made myself have fun.  FUN.  It's not like every single day is great, sometimes this shit just sucks.  It sucks when people (more than one person has done this) walk up to me and ask me if I've thought about a surrogate (yeah, but do you have a spare 40-60k and someone to be the oven?  That's what I thought).  It really sucks when work acquaintances from other departments say they I heard I was pregnant and ask me how far long I am (clearly their source isn't up to date).  I spent like 10 minutes in the bathroom crying over that one.  Said person felt like a jackass when I told them what happened, so I know she REALLY had no idea. 

Husband has been super helpful and understanding of just how insane I am.  I think we've only had one fight during all of this, which was started over money and then all of my issues came out.  It also helps that the pollen has been complete hell this year.  This is pretty much how I feel:

I've started keeping dead plants outside just to let every other one know that if they feel the need to leave their pollen on my front lawn, they will die.  None shall survive.  They have been warned. Amongst all the congestion and phlegm, Husband and I went to the beach.  Guys, I could breathe without anything rattling around in my chest for the first time in like....a month.  We've been to the beach three weeks in a row on our days off, it's been great.  I have tan lines again.  We're trying to plan a few days out at the beach, but we need to do it on the cheap.  Anyone has a condo we could borrow?

So that's pretty much what we've been up to.  We had a poker party last week and I won!  We've had three or four at our house now and I've either won three out of four, or all three. I can't remember.  Either way, Husband and I have enjoyed several date nights.  Anyone else down to join poker?  I'll be nice, I promise.

Today I went to see Dr. R for the HSC.  For those that don't know what that is, it's a hysteroscopy is when they stick a camera up into your uterus and make a youtube video.  No, seriously, they check for abnormalities and stuff.  Dr. R said he didn't see anything abnormal, but did see a bit of leftover tissue from MB, of which he promptly took a sample.  The whole thing took all of 15 minutes and was only a little uncomfortable.  I've schedule a follow up to review all the test results and stuff next week, so we'll form a plan then.  I have a very loose timeline now in my head of starting a FET (frozen egg transfer) cycle sometime in August.  We'll see what Dr. R thinks.  I kind of want another month where I'm not thinking about cycle days, injections or just generally worrying about my body.  We have a concert to attend in mid July and I really want to be able to have some drinks then.  Would it be cheaper to not have drinks?  Sure, but concerts are better when alcohol is involved..yes?

I think right now I'm on cycle day 10, but the only reason I'm aware of that is because my nurse mentioned it.  Otherwise, I don't really care what cycle day it is...I just care that about sleeping in.  It's nice to be normal for once.

Xoxo, guys.  My allergy medication is calling me.