I've started this post about a thousand times over in my mind. I keep going around if I should even put this down, but eff it...I'm just going to say it. I spend a fair amount of time feeling guilty about this pregnancy. That shouldn't mean that I'm not excited about Abby, don't misunderstand me, I absolutely am. Andrew painted her room last week and I stand in there almost every day, imagining reading to her, rocking her, changing her. I dream about holding her and just looking at her. I wish Abby was here, just see whose nose she has. Will she have my dark hair or his blonde hair? Then I'm bombarded with all of this:
- I feel guilty that I got pregnant the old fashioned way, after IVF and miscarriages, and so many of you are still struggling. I hate that you're struggling. It brings me to tears to think that my friends are in such pain.
- I'm so thankful that I'm pregnant, I'm so happy after so many years of struggling...should I feel this happy? How do I reconcile all of the sadness of the past seven years with this?
- While I'm thankful for this pregnancy, I have to admit...pregnancy is not my cup of tea. I fought so hard to be here and now I dislike almost everything about this. Am I not supposed to love being pregnant? Sure, I love feeling Abby kick and squirm (even at 1am), but my feet are swelling at the end of the day and I can't bend over without gasping for breath.
- My appetite is crrrrrrrrrrazy right now, so I'm mooching food from everyone. Sorry, work friends. It's just everything is so yummy. On the bright side...I've only gained 15 pounds. Yay?
So that's just a small taste of things that I'm dealing with right now. I'm struggling with being on a different page, one that I thought I would be so quick and happy to flip to. It's so weird being in this position. Does all of this sound like whining? It feels like whining. Whatever. I need to get it out.
We have done some positive things over the last few weeks. We registered at the Tar.get, moved the guest room, and like I said,
made a sacrifice to the My Little Pony gods ..I mean, painted her room. I bought her first onesie for her. My good friend gave me a fantastic breast pump and bottles, because she is amazing. I helped to put a rough idea of a baby shower together with my aunt and cousin. Things are really good, I just struggle to be comfortable in this skin.
Here are some pics of the last few weeks:
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| Mara helping dad make room for Abby |
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| See what I mean about the sacrifice to My Little Pony? Please no Rainbow Dash |
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| It's 0-3 months...please let her be small enough to wear it |
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So that's us right now. We're slowly getting ready for our baby, who is due 117 days. Thanks for the countdown, registry. Love you guys. Xoxo
Don't apologize for anything! There is no reason you have to like pregnancy. It doesn't mean you don't like your daughter. Pregnsncy is SO different than the norm. You are doing good mama and remember that it's ok to complain about all the awful side effects. Doesn't mean you're not grateful.
ReplyDeleteI often feel guilty for not spending money on IVF. In fact I often feel guilty for not spending much on our fertility journey. I feel guilty for good insurance.
XOXo
The best thing to do is just look forward, don't look back. And u can mooch my Kettlecorn anytime! ^.^
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