Lucky 13

I sit here at 13 weeks, on the eve of our NT scan.  I am nervous.  I have felt really good lately and that freaks me out.  This is what seven years of infertility does to you,  people.  It makes you second guess absolutely everything.  Am I exhausted because I'm pregnant or am I exhausted because I'm at a cat level lazy these days?  Is the nausea going away because I'm 13 weeks and things are supposed to get easier, or is it because Cinco died?  These are the things that run through my mind on a hourly daily basis.  My co-worker has been through the exact same thing (exact number of pregnancies as me, we even saw the same RE and now I'm going to her recommended OBGYN) and she told me to meditate on positive things before an ultrasound.  I'm trying, I really am.  It's just the worry keeps sneaking back in.  I wonder if I'll ever feel like a normal, blissfully ignorant pregnant woman. I wish I didn't know about all the things that could go wrong.  Life would be so much easier. 

Anyway, other than the freak outs I've been keeping under my belt, things have been ok.  I'm craving ice cream all of the time.  And cheese.  And whatever other food I smell.  Pizza seems to be a weakness these days.  I could wear my maternity pants, but I've been opting for leggings and my favorite, broken in jeans with my belly band.  I did have a bad day on Saturday when a pair of baggy, boyfriend like jeans wouldn't button.  There may or may not have been tears that morning.

We went to Ik.ea and found a crib that we like, but I can't make the jump to buy it.  In fact, I can't buy anything baby related without anxiety creeping up.  I always say no, we don't know what will happen yet and I put whatever it is back.  Honestly, we have to clean out the guest room and get Husband's office rearranged for a bed.  We have no business buying anything baby until that happens......right?  We only have these things representing that a baby may be on the horizon:

Just a teddy bear from my RE's office and two little cat rattle things that our family friend got us.  It's a good start.

So wish us luck tomorrow.  I promise I won't leave you hanging for six weeks.  Xoxo