We did it!

We had our monthly checkup on Thursday morning.  Everything was fine, I measured on track and Cinco's heartbeat was in the 150s.  Nice and healthy.  My doctor always asks if I have any questions, so jumped in with how to stop an incompetent cervix from dilating, stuff like that.  He stopped halfway thru his answer and said "Why don't you stop waiting for the other shoe to drop?  You're going to have a baby, it's ok." Cinco chose that moment to give me a giant kick.  I guess I'll take that as a sign.  Fine..so I took my doctor's advice and we did this:

We bought the crib!  My heart was pounding, I was shaking and holding Husband's hand super tight throughout Ikea.  I only had a mild panic attack, with no tears.  I'm kind of proud of myself for that.  But there's a crib in my house, for my baby that's coming in 5-ish months, that was purchased with a mild freak out and no tears from me.  Do I get a gold star for this, guys?  I feel like I deserve a gold star. This is what the crib is supposed to look like, except for the green drawers since we got white ones:

We even picked out a dresser we want to use as a changing table, but we'll get that later.  One thing at a time, right?  I'm assuming that I haven't jinxed anything because I've felt Cinco move since buying the crib.  It's weird, like I have a coke can sized alien in my belly.  Weird, but cool at the same time. 

So that was our big deal for the week.  We find out what Cinco is on the 16th.  I'll be sure to keep you all up to date.  Xoxo, my loves.  I'm going to gaze at my crib in boxes, imagining it with a baby Weezy in it.

Acceptance

I'm currently 17 weeks and change.  My belly popped this week, so I'm actually looking pregnant instead of fat.  I feel little baby flutters and the occasional kick..or maybe it's just gas.  Either way I feel something, mostly at night. I'm solidly in maternity clothes...never underestimate the power of a stretchy waistline, people.  It's important. 

Even with all of this, I'm having trouble accepting that a baby is going to come out of me in March.  It's easier for me to accept that I'll have empty arms instead of a crying, pooping, being little Weezy.  It's strange to not identify as an infertile, too.  For so long that was my label, where I fit, the doctors that I saw all specialized in uteri, ovaries, and cycle days.  Now I'm lumped in with all of these regular pregnant people and I don't know what to feel.  Mostly I feel out of place.  I sort of feel like we cheated, getting pregnant the old fashioned way.  Does that make me...fertile?  I can't even fathom it. What am I?  Where do I identify?  What do I do with all of my miscarriage baggage?

I've put off registering until we know what Cinco is (two and a half weeks, just fyi) because it just made sense.  Why register for all this gender neutral stuff when I can pick colors.  I put off buying maternity clothes until absolutely necessary because I was afraid I'd jinx something.  My goal this week is to buy the crib. It's a big step and I'm working up to it.  I know I've got plenty of time to get ready, but I feel like I need to force myself to start jumping into the baby pool...otherwise I'll just delay, procrastinate and avoid.  Ahh, avoidance.  My favorite.  My plan is to go to Ik.ea on Thursday after my monthly check up and buy the crib.  Hold me to it, please.

 So far, this pregnancy has been largely uncomplicated.  Forgive the terrible nausea and the occasional ligament pull, I'm ok.  Symptoms right now include exhaustion, hunger and nausea.  The nausea went away, but reared its ugly head last week when I stopped Dic.legis.  So I'm back on it, which helps my motion sickness issues and I can't let my tummy get empty.  Soooooooo I'm eating everything, but I can still fit into my pre-pregnancy size, although it's in maternity pants (stretchy jeans, guys).  Maybe I haven't gained too much weight?  Cross your fingers.

So that's where I'm at.  Struggling to accept this experience will have a good outcome, accepting my changing body and needs, and working up the courage to buy something just for the baby.  I miss wine...a lot.  Xoxo

Floating

I never thought I'd write this post.  I honestly never thought I'd be here.  During this whole journey, I've had these experiences that I can only describe as out of body experiences.  Going through IVF was one, hearing and losing MB were another.  Then we get to Cinco.  Today, for the first time, we got to see Cinco.  We've heard its heartbeat and seen a blob on a screen  move around.  But today....there's a baby in there!!  This shit is real, and it's happening, and my body isn't betraying me. 

Fair warning, there are going to be ultrasound pictures below.  If you're still fighting through the battle that is infertility and don't want to look, that's ok.  I understand the hurt, the jealousy and the rage that you're feeling.  It's shitty, but I promise it won't always be this way.  You'll be here one day, too..hopefully soon.  Xoxo




.............Pictures are below..................



















Further.................





















Just a little more......

Cinco's profile.  It took awhile for Cinco to calm down during the ultrasound

Looks like Cinco has Dad's long legs

Hand on the head, universal sign of I'm done with pictures.  That's my kid

Today was amazing.  I feel like I'm floating.  Sorry for the flash and the counter.  Our printer/scanner combo is broken.  Figures! 

Lucky 13

I sit here at 13 weeks, on the eve of our NT scan.  I am nervous.  I have felt really good lately and that freaks me out.  This is what seven years of infertility does to you,  people.  It makes you second guess absolutely everything.  Am I exhausted because I'm pregnant or am I exhausted because I'm at a cat level lazy these days?  Is the nausea going away because I'm 13 weeks and things are supposed to get easier, or is it because Cinco died?  These are the things that run through my mind on a hourly daily basis.  My co-worker has been through the exact same thing (exact number of pregnancies as me, we even saw the same RE and now I'm going to her recommended OBGYN) and she told me to meditate on positive things before an ultrasound.  I'm trying, I really am.  It's just the worry keeps sneaking back in.  I wonder if I'll ever feel like a normal, blissfully ignorant pregnant woman. I wish I didn't know about all the things that could go wrong.  Life would be so much easier. 

Anyway, other than the freak outs I've been keeping under my belt, things have been ok.  I'm craving ice cream all of the time.  And cheese.  And whatever other food I smell.  Pizza seems to be a weakness these days.  I could wear my maternity pants, but I've been opting for leggings and my favorite, broken in jeans with my belly band.  I did have a bad day on Saturday when a pair of baggy, boyfriend like jeans wouldn't button.  There may or may not have been tears that morning.

We went to Ik.ea and found a crib that we like, but I can't make the jump to buy it.  In fact, I can't buy anything baby related without anxiety creeping up.  I always say no, we don't know what will happen yet and I put whatever it is back.  Honestly, we have to clean out the guest room and get Husband's office rearranged for a bed.  We have no business buying anything baby until that happens......right?  We only have these things representing that a baby may be on the horizon:

Just a teddy bear from my RE's office and two little cat rattle things that our family friend got us.  It's a good start.

So wish us luck tomorrow.  I promise I won't leave you hanging for six weeks.  Xoxo

Cliffhanging

Apologies for the cliffhanger.  Let me start by saying that Cinco is fine, I've made it to 12 weeks.  The last six weeks have included horrible, terrible morning sickness (all day sickness) to the point where I couldn't drive, couldn't scroll on a screen without vomiting, no grocery shopping because of all the smells, I even threw up in my neighbors bushes on a walk.  They weren't home...don't judge.  There was one ER visit for dehydration and severe cramping, but Cinco still lives.  We are due on March 4th, which happens to be the anniversary of Husband's father's death.  Husband thinks it's a little weird, I think it's kind of cool.  Sort of like a life going out, a life coming in...even if it is six years later.  Maybe I'm demented (maybe there's no maybe about it).

I sit here at 12 weeks and two days with a bit of a bit of a belly.  It really looks like I've eaten too many chips, which is probably true, but it's nice to see some outward sign that I'm pregnant.  I'm not going to post any belly pics, mostly because I want to be sensitive to others that follow this blog (and partly because I just hate taking pictures).  I know when other bloggers got pregnant and I was not, it was difficult.  On one hand I felt happy for them..isn't a victory for all of us when a fellow infertile gets and stays pregnant?  The flip side of that is that I always felt left behind, even jealous, still struggling.  Those are crappy emotions to manage and it sucks. 

I had my first regular OB visit last week.  There were a lot of warring emotions...I was so happy to have graduated from the fertility clinic, but I also hated being in the regular office.  My fertility clinic has a chair for umm..larger people. I always sat in it because A) a little self esteem boost never hurts anyone and B) it was comfortable. The new doctor has no such chair. Are you kidding me?  You have pregnant women waddling around.  Get bigger chairs.   Sitting in the waiting room,  I was coming out of my skin with nerves and I told Husband I wanted to go back to Dr. R.  He politely told me to get a grip, that I belonged in this office too.  Right, I may be pregnant, but I fought to be here.  Isn't there some golden throne for people like us?

The only thing I didn't like about the practice is that they said they didn't listen to the heartbeat until 13 weeks because it was too hard to hear.  Umm..what?  No, you will listen to the  heartbeat with me every time. Maybe multiple times.  You clearly have no idea how much I need that reassurance, you regular non recurrent pregnancy loss having nurse.  Anyway, we found Cinco thumping away at 169, 170.  The nurse was really, really nice and the doctor is fabulous.  I really think we're in the right place for Cinco.  Oh, and the new doctor is Dr. S.  Figure we may as well go down the alphabet, yes?

Other than allllllllllllll of that, nothing is new.  I've been spending a lot of time laying in bed with my cats, sleeping off the nausea.  Husband has been great at dealing with my crazy emotions and getting me whatever I think I might be able to eat.  Before anyone asks, I don't clean the catboxes.  It's never been on my radar.  I handle the vomit end, Husband handles the back end.  It works out. 

So that's me.  I leave you with a picture of my Aayla cat.  She takes a nap while I shower every day.  I guess it's bonding?

Cinco

I dreamed of my Uncle T the other night. I haven't dreamed of him since he died.  I have one sided conversations with him a lot, mostly when I'm driving. When I need a little extra support, I tell him I need him with me.  The dream wasn't anything earth shattering, it was just me going into his house and getting a gigantic hug from him.  I could smell his smell (usually a mixture of sweat and mint from his chewing tobacco), feel his beard.  I heard his voice tell me that he missed me and I felt his arms wrap around me in the hug, but most importantly I felt his love and his never ending support wash over me.  I woke up from dream in the middle of the hug, and I could still feel him around me.  I felt so reassured and so loved for the rest of the day  It was a nice check in from him.

Don't go thinking I'm one of those hokey, find a meaning in any dream people.  I'm probably one of the more logical women out there and I specifically don't look for signs from the other side.  I do, however, like to think that love always finds a way back into life.  My uncle and I were certainly connected and it's nice to think that he'd find a way to check in every now and again. 

I was going through some things yesterday and found a pregnancy test, so being the infertile I am I thought 'Better not waste this sucker.'  So I peed and...newsflash, that line was dark as hell and I'm still pregnant.  It's nice to have some reassurance, no?  I've spent most of the last week in a haze of exhaustion and nausea.  Sunday and Monday nights were really rough getting a couple hours of sleep because I was up and down being sick.  Side note, I like to think of myself as a clean person.  Some would go so far as to say a cleaning nazi.  You never realize how many spots you miss on your toilet until you're puking, which makes me want to puke more.  First world problems.  Anyway, I think I've finally found a good balance between B6, ginger drops (like cough drops, but ginger) and unisom at night to help me sleep (unisom and B6 are on my safe for pregnancy list, don't freak out).  Last night I slept 10 hours straight, so I can't complain.

We have our first ultrasound tomorrow.  I'm a little nervous, I'm not going to lie, but I don't feel super anxious about this.  I can't change what's already in there, dead or alive, so I'm just along for the ride.  FYI, we're calling this pregnancy Cinco because...well, it's the fifth and we've already had an MB.  I feel like it's bad luck to use the same name over again. 

I'll let you all know how the ultrasound goes.  If you want to send some good thoughts around 2pm, that would be appreciated.  Every little bit helps.  Xoxo

What had happened was...

Sometimes life gives you lemons.  So what do you do?  You make lemonade, obviously.  But then you get some vodka, spike that shit, have a good night with your husband and then you get this:

Oops

Yeah.  We apparently had fun on our break after my last period.  My first reaction was one of illiteracy because I had to have Husband read it to me.  I haven't had a positive test on my own in five years.  It only took three IUIs and one IVF, but here we are.  Talk about taking the long way around. We were on a break, being normal.  Don't even say I relaxed.  I've spent five years relaxing.  Oy.

Let's get some particulars out of the way:

• Last period 5/26..Happy Memorial Day
• I'm considered 5 weeks, three days today
• First beta was 650 (beta hcg, the blood pregnancy test for those that don't know)
• Second beta was today, came in at 1372 (clearly something is growing)
• Current symptoms include extreme exhaustion, motion sickness and general all day nausea.  I thought I was coming down with the stomach flu originally, but realized I was five days late, so I tested instead.

Surprise, surprise I guess.  I have pretty mixed emotions at the moment.  I'm flabbergasted that this actually happened, bummed I can't be normal for DMB and holy crap scared because this is way too soon after MB.  We make plans and God laughs, right?

Until next time, guys.  I need a nap.  Xoxo