Motherhood...

I blog to you now with an almost five week old drooling on me. The drool is a mixture of formula and tears since I was slow getting the bottle ready and she lost her absolute mind in about 30 seconds.  I'm pleased she's sleeping, but I have at least 20 more minutes of rocking, otherwise she'll pop right back up when I put her down.

The last five weeks have been.. Amazing and difficult and full of tears (mine and Abby's).  Breastfeeding was a bust. I engorged for two days, then it was gone. Abby wouldn't latch ever, she just pushed the boob away.  The nurses and lactation consultant all thought she didn't want to work for it.. That's my kid. I'm an instant gratification girl and so is she. So, in order to save myself one iota of stress I cut my losses and went with formula... And if you have something to say about that, keep it to yourself.

Sleep: Holy shit, I miss sleep.  She started sleeping in four hour blocks once we bought the rock and play. Hallelujah, four hours of sleep. We even had an Easter miracle, she slept six hours on good Friday. The next night.. Oh that was on like redneck donkey Kong. Abby decided to cry from 12-5 in the morning. On one hand, I was impressed with her commitment. On the other, I was losing my own mind.  Nothing was wrong, she ate, was changed, rocked bounced driven around and still, losing her mind.  Andrew and I took turns with her, I drove her around and got pulled over for not making a complete stop at 4am in my one horse town. I rolled down the window and Abigail let out a wail, the cop asked what I was doing and I said trying to get my daughter to sleep.. You wanna try?  So I was let go with a sympathetic look and a laugh. That ass.

But then there have been good times. Abby loves baths, so those are fun. She completely relaxes and basks in the warm water, her favorite thing is to have her hair washed. She likes to go on walks around the neighborhood. We do this thing we call kiss attacks.  We lean over her and kiss her all over. She's so close to smiling when we do that,  I love it. I've taken her to my husband's restaurant to visit him, she likes to look all around and doesn't mind the noise. Everyone comments how beautiful she is (duh) and on how much hair she has (the heartburn was worth it).

So.. Motherhood is fucking hard, but the good parts are super good. Like right now, she's snoring on my shoulder but I could die from the cuteness. I've found that motherhood has brought up issues from my childhood, but mostly tons of anxiety. Sometimes (a lot) I'll lay awake at night, panicking if I'm doing things right.. If not, am I screwing her up? Is this common? Am I just insane?

Anyway.. My 20 minutes are up and it's late. I'm going to try to get some rest before Chicken Little wakes up. Pictures next time. Bloggers mobile app sucks. Xoxo

The Birth Story

Ok, so.  Abby's birth story goes a little something like this:

March 3rd:  We check in to the hospital right at shift change.  Joy.  I had one nurse for a total of 15 minutes, then my day shift nurses (there were two) came in, introduced themselves and one proceeded to shove cervidil (cervix ripening agent, for those that don't know) up in to my nether regions.  We got the show on the road at 915, give or take.  They tell me after the insertion that I have to stay in bed for two hours to make sure the cervidil stays in place...Great.  Not like I have to pee or anything. 

So we sit...we wait, we walk around the unit.  I'm terribly disappointed I haven't heard anyone in labor scream. There's word that there's a woman in complete natural labor, so there is hope yet (I did eventually hear her scream).  Some mild cramps start, nothing major. I've had worse periods.  It feels like a lot of hurry up and wait. I watch some bad TV while husband keeps himself occupied:

He had a bad cold. And it was boring in the beginning.

It gets to be around 3pm, Husband leaves to come back home and check on the cat menagerie.  That's when the cramps started to get real.  Like, really real. I couldn't sit in bed, couldn't bounce on the ball, all I could do was just pace around in a circle.  While husband is gone, I ask for some anti nausea meds.  When the nurse comes in and sees me, she decided to check and see what was happening with the cervedil.  Turns out I was dilated to 3cm and was officially in labor.  I wasn't supposed to be in labor just yet, apparently this med throwing me into labor was rare and this is, according the nurse "Great".  Whatever, lady.  Get me my damn epidural right damn now. By this time, Husband has returned. I apparently caused some damage when I squeezed his hand during a contraction.  Listen, it's not my fault he left his wedding ring on and gave me his whole hand to squeeze.  Even now, over a week later, he's still only giving me three fingers to hold.  I think I traumatized him.

I get the epi..and all of a sudden, I don't hate every single person in the world anymore.  The night shift comes on, gives me an ambien..I can rest.  This is delightful.  Around two in the morning, I roll over and feel a pop pop with a slight trickle.  Did I just pee myself?  It's not out of the realm of possibility.  I roll back over and realize that my water just broke and it is every.where.  Not a good look.  It's around this time that the epidural stops working.  Yes..stops working.  Natural child birth was not in my plan. Not even close.  The nurse is confused, says I shouldn't be in this much pain.  Anesthesia comes in, gives me a little more epidural medicine. It works for exactly five  minutes.  Finally around 10am, they replace the epidural and all is again right with the world. 

We're good until four or five in the afternoon.  Then I start feeling a lot pressure, the urge to push is intense. It feels like I have to take the biggest poo in the world, but nurses are telling me no, no. Don't bear down.  Oooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkk, then don't complain when I'm moaning and groaning because this uncomfy, yo.  Finally I get to 9, super close to 10cm and we start pushing.  I push for an hour and a half.  There's barely any progression of Abby.  The nurse tells me it's probably going to be three more hours of pushing.  Say what? 

That's when I threw in the towel. I had been up since two, had two epidurals, and was exhausted. I know my body, I know my limits. There was no way I could push for three more hours.  I commend the women that can do that, it was just not going to happen for me.  I'm rolled into an OR, bright lights are shone down upon me, Husband is in a blue smock.  There's some tugging, there's some pulling and all of a sudden, my world is forever changed with our daughter's cry.  I heard the nurses say "oh, she is pissed" and Husband says "Babe, she's got a full head of hair!  10 fingers 10 toes!"  While they're cleaning Abby up, I hear the nurses and doctor say that I made the right choice. Abby was head down, but was turned and not lined up in the birth canal.  I wouldn't have been able to get her out no matter how long I pushed. 

So here are some things I learned while in labor/c sectioning:

• Be your own advocate.  Several times, I had nurses discount my pain level and I deferred to them.  They know how this goes better than me right?  Listen, you want pain medicine, you get pain medicine. You want more ice chips, get the damn ice chips.

• Tell your husband to either take off his wedding ring or give you his right hand to hold, otherwise you will hurt him.
•  Every single part of your body will be sore after labor.  Your lady bits will be...flappy and swollen.  Take any meds they give you and learn to love a diaper with ice in it.  
• After a c section, you will be in bed for about 24 hours.  You will feel like your abdomen has just been fileted open, and it has been. Take it easy getting up the first time. 
• Once you're home, you will want to be super independent and do everything yourself.  Stop yourself. You've just had major abdominal surgery that resulted in a small child.  Let your husband pick up the slack, just like he's been doing for the last 9 months.  

That's the advice that I can think of so far.  I'm sure more will come. For now, though, I leave you with a couple of pictures that take my breath away:

Heart melted

Goaalllllllllllll

 

Xoxo.  From Abby and I!

She's here!

Abigail Nancy Nicolle Wolfe arrived on March 4th at 739pm via c section,weighing 8 lbs 12 oz.  Everyone is home and completely in love with this perfect little being. 

More pics and her birth story are to come...

Apologies

Guys. Sorry it's been forever since the last blog.  Time just got away from me..as usual. I blog to you from an oatmeal bath, which is sort of, not really soothing the hives I've developed. Current situation is this:

• 40 weeks pregnant, today
• Weight gain: hippo status 
• Abby is a mover and a shaker, but refuses to drop. Not cool. 
• Those hives I was talking about? Apparently they are no bueno and can be a sign of my liver not handling bile that I'm producing... So the solution? 
• Induction!! Tomorrow, 6am we check in and I get a string shoved up into my lady bits and away we go!

Seriously, the doctor said this will probably be a 2-3 day process since I'm not dilated and she's still hanging out up high. Maybe this will end up in a c section, maybe not. Whatever, the goal is to come out with an Abby that is safe and sound. It is not going to break my heart if I have a c section, just get us our kid. 

I don't feel particularly nervous, I just feel ready. Tomorrow is the beginning of the end of the 7 year wait for our baby, we just need a little patience. 

I promise I will post pictures of her and the nursery and maybe 1 or 2 of me when I'm not covered in these red dots. Until then, kind thoughts are appreciated and all of you are in my thoughts, as always. Xoxo 

Conflicted

I've started this post about a thousand times over in my mind.  I keep going around if I should even put this down, but eff it...I'm just going to say it.  I spend a fair amount of time feeling guilty about this pregnancy.  That shouldn't mean that I'm not excited about Abby, don't misunderstand me, I absolutely am.  Andrew painted her room last week and I stand in there almost every day, imagining reading to her, rocking her, changing her.  I dream about holding her and just looking at her.  I wish Abby was here, just see whose nose she has.  Will she have my dark hair or his blonde hair?  Then I'm bombarded with all of this:

• I feel guilty that I got pregnant the old fashioned way, after IVF and miscarriages, and so many of you are still struggling.  I hate that you're struggling.  It brings me to tears to think that my friends are in such pain.
• I'm so thankful that I'm pregnant, I'm so happy after so many years of struggling...should I feel this happy?  How do I reconcile all of the sadness of the past seven years with this?
• While I'm thankful for this pregnancy, I have to admit...pregnancy is not my cup of tea.  I fought so hard to be here and now I dislike almost everything about this.  Am I not supposed to love being pregnant?  Sure, I love feeling Abby kick and squirm (even at 1am), but my feet are swelling at the end of the day and I can't bend over without gasping for breath.  
• My appetite is crrrrrrrrrrazy right now, so I'm mooching food from everyone.  Sorry, work friends.  It's just everything is so yummy.  On the bright side...I've only gained 15 pounds.  Yay?

So that's just a small taste of things that I'm dealing with right now.  I'm struggling with being on a different page, one that I thought I would be so quick and happy to flip to.  It's so weird being in this position.  Does all of this sound like whining?  It feels like whining.  Whatever.  I need to get it out.

We have done some positive things over the last few weeks.  We registered at the Tar.get, moved the guest room, and like I said, made a sacrifice to the My Little Pony gods ..I mean, painted her room.  I bought her first onesie for her.  My good friend gave me a fantastic breast pump and bottles, because she is amazing.  I helped to put a rough idea of a baby shower together with my aunt and cousin.  Things are really good, I just struggle to be comfortable in this skin. 

Here are some pics of the last few weeks:

Mara helping dad make room for Abby

See what I mean about the sacrifice to My Little Pony?  Please no Rainbow Dash

It's 0-3 months...please let her be small enough to wear it

So that's us right now.  We're slowly getting ready for our baby, who is due 117 days.  Thanks for the countdown, registry.  Love you guys.  Xoxo

TBT..to Thursday

Sorry about the super brief post on Thursday.  I barely had my house clean before our family came over to celebrate Abby, but I made it!  This is how Thursday went down:

• Wake up at 4am, because I can't sleep.  I'm nervous about the ultrasound
• Listen to Mara cat yell at me during the shower, she's hungry and wants me to hurry.  That cat is stomach driven.  The morning session of the hunger games is on and I am tribute.
• Feed cats, wake up Husband for the second time.  Get more nervous as we get closer to leaving.  I just want everything to be ok.
• 7:15:  Leave the house.  Struggle through morning traffic, hate every single person that's driving except us.  Drink a liter of water on the way to the doctor's office...they say to have a full bladder.  Job done.
• 7:50:  We arrive and hustle up to the third floor for our 8am appointment.  I am nothing if not on time when nervous.
• 8:10:  Realize I should have paced myself with the liter of water.
• 8:20:  Explain to the office staff that my bladder is being used as a trampoline and it's situation critical.  They check to see what the delay is.
• 8:30: Ultrasound Kelly calls us back, explains there was a problem with the machine.  I'm thinking that I don't really care, at this point I'd be happy with a polaroid camera stuck up there if I could just pee. I try really hard not to pee on the table, and I succeed.

************This is where ultrasound pics start.  Stop if you can't, I understand***************





So we found our baby in this position:

So lady like

 At least she didn't make us wait, right?  Good girl, Abby, good girl.  She flipped and flopped the entire ultrasound.  Granted, I did have a glass of OJ before we left.  I didn't want to not find out, but holy hell, she didn't need to play bouncehouse with my bladder.

Here are some more pics:

Alien Abby, looking at us

Settling in for a nap

Her little feet!

Pointing and I think she was trying to flip us off with the other hand, but it's hard to see

Fist pump or thumbs up, she's ok!

***********************************************************************************

After all that, you need a cat:

 
So that's our daughter (it's weird to say).  Her full name is going to be Abigail Nancy (my mom) Nicolle (Husband's mom's maiden name) and the initials A.N.N spell out my middle name.  Look at all the symbolism!

Until next time guys...xoxo

The reveal..quick and dirty

Just a super quick, down and dirty post.  I have family coming over for dinner and my house is a wreck..I napped all afternoon.

Buuuuuttttttttt....Cinco is a girl!!  Her name is Abigail and wiggling is her game.  She's measuring perfectly for a March 4th due date, weighs 13 ounces and did not stop moving at all during the ultrasound.

Holy shit.  What am I going to do with a girl!!  We are so excited.  I promise I'll post more over the weekend, maybe include an ultrasound pic or two.  Xoxo

We did it!

We had our monthly checkup on Thursday morning.  Everything was fine, I measured on track and Cinco's heartbeat was in the 150s.  Nice and healthy.  My doctor always asks if I have any questions, so jumped in with how to stop an incompetent cervix from dilating, stuff like that.  He stopped halfway thru his answer and said "Why don't you stop waiting for the other shoe to drop?  You're going to have a baby, it's ok." Cinco chose that moment to give me a giant kick.  I guess I'll take that as a sign.  Fine..so I took my doctor's advice and we did this:

We bought the crib!  My heart was pounding, I was shaking and holding Husband's hand super tight throughout Ikea.  I only had a mild panic attack, with no tears.  I'm kind of proud of myself for that.  But there's a crib in my house, for my baby that's coming in 5-ish months, that was purchased with a mild freak out and no tears from me.  Do I get a gold star for this, guys?  I feel like I deserve a gold star. This is what the crib is supposed to look like, except for the green drawers since we got white ones:

We even picked out a dresser we want to use as a changing table, but we'll get that later.  One thing at a time, right?  I'm assuming that I haven't jinxed anything because I've felt Cinco move since buying the crib.  It's weird, like I have a coke can sized alien in my belly.  Weird, but cool at the same time. 

So that was our big deal for the week.  We find out what Cinco is on the 16th.  I'll be sure to keep you all up to date.  Xoxo, my loves.  I'm going to gaze at my crib in boxes, imagining it with a baby Weezy in it.

Acceptance

I'm currently 17 weeks and change.  My belly popped this week, so I'm actually looking pregnant instead of fat.  I feel little baby flutters and the occasional kick..or maybe it's just gas.  Either way I feel something, mostly at night. I'm solidly in maternity clothes...never underestimate the power of a stretchy waistline, people.  It's important. 

Even with all of this, I'm having trouble accepting that a baby is going to come out of me in March.  It's easier for me to accept that I'll have empty arms instead of a crying, pooping, being little Weezy.  It's strange to not identify as an infertile, too.  For so long that was my label, where I fit, the doctors that I saw all specialized in uteri, ovaries, and cycle days.  Now I'm lumped in with all of these regular pregnant people and I don't know what to feel.  Mostly I feel out of place.  I sort of feel like we cheated, getting pregnant the old fashioned way.  Does that make me...fertile?  I can't even fathom it. What am I?  Where do I identify?  What do I do with all of my miscarriage baggage?

I've put off registering until we know what Cinco is (two and a half weeks, just fyi) because it just made sense.  Why register for all this gender neutral stuff when I can pick colors.  I put off buying maternity clothes until absolutely necessary because I was afraid I'd jinx something.  My goal this week is to buy the crib. It's a big step and I'm working up to it.  I know I've got plenty of time to get ready, but I feel like I need to force myself to start jumping into the baby pool...otherwise I'll just delay, procrastinate and avoid.  Ahh, avoidance.  My favorite.  My plan is to go to Ik.ea on Thursday after my monthly check up and buy the crib.  Hold me to it, please.

 So far, this pregnancy has been largely uncomplicated.  Forgive the terrible nausea and the occasional ligament pull, I'm ok.  Symptoms right now include exhaustion, hunger and nausea.  The nausea went away, but reared its ugly head last week when I stopped Dic.legis.  So I'm back on it, which helps my motion sickness issues and I can't let my tummy get empty.  Soooooooo I'm eating everything, but I can still fit into my pre-pregnancy size, although it's in maternity pants (stretchy jeans, guys).  Maybe I haven't gained too much weight?  Cross your fingers.

So that's where I'm at.  Struggling to accept this experience will have a good outcome, accepting my changing body and needs, and working up the courage to buy something just for the baby.  I miss wine...a lot.  Xoxo

Floating

I never thought I'd write this post.  I honestly never thought I'd be here.  During this whole journey, I've had these experiences that I can only describe as out of body experiences.  Going through IVF was one, hearing and losing MB were another.  Then we get to Cinco.  Today, for the first time, we got to see Cinco.  We've heard its heartbeat and seen a blob on a screen  move around.  But today....there's a baby in there!!  This shit is real, and it's happening, and my body isn't betraying me. 

Fair warning, there are going to be ultrasound pictures below.  If you're still fighting through the battle that is infertility and don't want to look, that's ok.  I understand the hurt, the jealousy and the rage that you're feeling.  It's shitty, but I promise it won't always be this way.  You'll be here one day, too..hopefully soon.  Xoxo




.............Pictures are below..................



















Further.................





















Just a little more......

Cinco's profile.  It took awhile for Cinco to calm down during the ultrasound

Looks like Cinco has Dad's long legs

Hand on the head, universal sign of I'm done with pictures.  That's my kid

Today was amazing.  I feel like I'm floating.  Sorry for the flash and the counter.  Our printer/scanner combo is broken.  Figures! 

Lucky 13

I sit here at 13 weeks, on the eve of our NT scan.  I am nervous.  I have felt really good lately and that freaks me out.  This is what seven years of infertility does to you,  people.  It makes you second guess absolutely everything.  Am I exhausted because I'm pregnant or am I exhausted because I'm at a cat level lazy these days?  Is the nausea going away because I'm 13 weeks and things are supposed to get easier, or is it because Cinco died?  These are the things that run through my mind on a hourly daily basis.  My co-worker has been through the exact same thing (exact number of pregnancies as me, we even saw the same RE and now I'm going to her recommended OBGYN) and she told me to meditate on positive things before an ultrasound.  I'm trying, I really am.  It's just the worry keeps sneaking back in.  I wonder if I'll ever feel like a normal, blissfully ignorant pregnant woman. I wish I didn't know about all the things that could go wrong.  Life would be so much easier. 

Anyway, other than the freak outs I've been keeping under my belt, things have been ok.  I'm craving ice cream all of the time.  And cheese.  And whatever other food I smell.  Pizza seems to be a weakness these days.  I could wear my maternity pants, but I've been opting for leggings and my favorite, broken in jeans with my belly band.  I did have a bad day on Saturday when a pair of baggy, boyfriend like jeans wouldn't button.  There may or may not have been tears that morning.

We went to Ik.ea and found a crib that we like, but I can't make the jump to buy it.  In fact, I can't buy anything baby related without anxiety creeping up.  I always say no, we don't know what will happen yet and I put whatever it is back.  Honestly, we have to clean out the guest room and get Husband's office rearranged for a bed.  We have no business buying anything baby until that happens......right?  We only have these things representing that a baby may be on the horizon:

Just a teddy bear from my RE's office and two little cat rattle things that our family friend got us.  It's a good start.

So wish us luck tomorrow.  I promise I won't leave you hanging for six weeks.  Xoxo

Cliffhanging

Apologies for the cliffhanger.  Let me start by saying that Cinco is fine, I've made it to 12 weeks.  The last six weeks have included horrible, terrible morning sickness (all day sickness) to the point where I couldn't drive, couldn't scroll on a screen without vomiting, no grocery shopping because of all the smells, I even threw up in my neighbors bushes on a walk.  They weren't home...don't judge.  There was one ER visit for dehydration and severe cramping, but Cinco still lives.  We are due on March 4th, which happens to be the anniversary of Husband's father's death.  Husband thinks it's a little weird, I think it's kind of cool.  Sort of like a life going out, a life coming in...even if it is six years later.  Maybe I'm demented (maybe there's no maybe about it).

I sit here at 12 weeks and two days with a bit of a bit of a belly.  It really looks like I've eaten too many chips, which is probably true, but it's nice to see some outward sign that I'm pregnant.  I'm not going to post any belly pics, mostly because I want to be sensitive to others that follow this blog (and partly because I just hate taking pictures).  I know when other bloggers got pregnant and I was not, it was difficult.  On one hand I felt happy for them..isn't a victory for all of us when a fellow infertile gets and stays pregnant?  The flip side of that is that I always felt left behind, even jealous, still struggling.  Those are crappy emotions to manage and it sucks. 

I had my first regular OB visit last week.  There were a lot of warring emotions...I was so happy to have graduated from the fertility clinic, but I also hated being in the regular office.  My fertility clinic has a chair for umm..larger people. I always sat in it because A) a little self esteem boost never hurts anyone and B) it was comfortable. The new doctor has no such chair. Are you kidding me?  You have pregnant women waddling around.  Get bigger chairs.   Sitting in the waiting room,  I was coming out of my skin with nerves and I told Husband I wanted to go back to Dr. R.  He politely told me to get a grip, that I belonged in this office too.  Right, I may be pregnant, but I fought to be here.  Isn't there some golden throne for people like us?

The only thing I didn't like about the practice is that they said they didn't listen to the heartbeat until 13 weeks because it was too hard to hear.  Umm..what?  No, you will listen to the  heartbeat with me every time. Maybe multiple times.  You clearly have no idea how much I need that reassurance, you regular non recurrent pregnancy loss having nurse.  Anyway, we found Cinco thumping away at 169, 170.  The nurse was really, really nice and the doctor is fabulous.  I really think we're in the right place for Cinco.  Oh, and the new doctor is Dr. S.  Figure we may as well go down the alphabet, yes?

Other than allllllllllllll of that, nothing is new.  I've been spending a lot of time laying in bed with my cats, sleeping off the nausea.  Husband has been great at dealing with my crazy emotions and getting me whatever I think I might be able to eat.  Before anyone asks, I don't clean the catboxes.  It's never been on my radar.  I handle the vomit end, Husband handles the back end.  It works out. 

So that's me.  I leave you with a picture of my Aayla cat.  She takes a nap while I shower every day.  I guess it's bonding?

Cinco

I dreamed of my Uncle T the other night. I haven't dreamed of him since he died.  I have one sided conversations with him a lot, mostly when I'm driving. When I need a little extra support, I tell him I need him with me.  The dream wasn't anything earth shattering, it was just me going into his house and getting a gigantic hug from him.  I could smell his smell (usually a mixture of sweat and mint from his chewing tobacco), feel his beard.  I heard his voice tell me that he missed me and I felt his arms wrap around me in the hug, but most importantly I felt his love and his never ending support wash over me.  I woke up from dream in the middle of the hug, and I could still feel him around me.  I felt so reassured and so loved for the rest of the day  It was a nice check in from him.

Don't go thinking I'm one of those hokey, find a meaning in any dream people.  I'm probably one of the more logical women out there and I specifically don't look for signs from the other side.  I do, however, like to think that love always finds a way back into life.  My uncle and I were certainly connected and it's nice to think that he'd find a way to check in every now and again. 

I was going through some things yesterday and found a pregnancy test, so being the infertile I am I thought 'Better not waste this sucker.'  So I peed and...newsflash, that line was dark as hell and I'm still pregnant.  It's nice to have some reassurance, no?  I've spent most of the last week in a haze of exhaustion and nausea.  Sunday and Monday nights were really rough getting a couple hours of sleep because I was up and down being sick.  Side note, I like to think of myself as a clean person.  Some would go so far as to say a cleaning nazi.  You never realize how many spots you miss on your toilet until you're puking, which makes me want to puke more.  First world problems.  Anyway, I think I've finally found a good balance between B6, ginger drops (like cough drops, but ginger) and unisom at night to help me sleep (unisom and B6 are on my safe for pregnancy list, don't freak out).  Last night I slept 10 hours straight, so I can't complain.

We have our first ultrasound tomorrow.  I'm a little nervous, I'm not going to lie, but I don't feel super anxious about this.  I can't change what's already in there, dead or alive, so I'm just along for the ride.  FYI, we're calling this pregnancy Cinco because...well, it's the fifth and we've already had an MB.  I feel like it's bad luck to use the same name over again. 

I'll let you all know how the ultrasound goes.  If you want to send some good thoughts around 2pm, that would be appreciated.  Every little bit helps.  Xoxo

What had happened was...

Sometimes life gives you lemons.  So what do you do?  You make lemonade, obviously.  But then you get some vodka, spike that shit, have a good night with your husband and then you get this:

Oops

Yeah.  We apparently had fun on our break after my last period.  My first reaction was one of illiteracy because I had to have Husband read it to me.  I haven't had a positive test on my own in five years.  It only took three IUIs and one IVF, but here we are.  Talk about taking the long way around. We were on a break, being normal.  Don't even say I relaxed.  I've spent five years relaxing.  Oy.

Let's get some particulars out of the way:

• Last period 5/26..Happy Memorial Day
• I'm considered 5 weeks, three days today
• First beta was 650 (beta hcg, the blood pregnancy test for those that don't know)
• Second beta was today, came in at 1372 (clearly something is growing)
• Current symptoms include extreme exhaustion, motion sickness and general all day nausea.  I thought I was coming down with the stomach flu originally, but realized I was five days late, so I tested instead.

Surprise, surprise I guess.  I have pretty mixed emotions at the moment.  I'm flabbergasted that this actually happened, bummed I can't be normal for DMB and holy crap scared because this is way too soon after MB.  We make plans and God laughs, right?

Until next time, guys.  I need a nap.  Xoxo

We learned....

.....Jack shit.  We had our follow up appointment with Dr. R to go over blood work, tissue and HSC results.  Tissue samples from the HSC (thing involving the camera up the uterus) were normal. Blood work was normal, meaning no genetic issue on my or Husband's part.  MB's tissue results........yeah, MB didn't grow.  Like at all.  What does this mean?  Means we have no idea why I'm a spontaneous aborter and why MB decided to kick the bucket.  Glorious...fucking amazing. 

I'm sorry, I need a break from all this serious stuff....

I never knew it was broken!

 

 

 

 

So where does that leave us?  Well, we're back at the beginning.  I'm starting birth control at the end of the month and I'll be on it for a total of two cycles.  The goal is to get my estrogen nice and low, start Lupron during the second cycle to suppress the ovaries.  I'll be monitored and start some estrogen ramping up drugs (I forget the name, I'm not really a good patient) to build up my lining so the next passenger snuggles in for a awhile (hopefully 40 weeks).  FETs are all about building the lining.  I'll only have to do three shots instead of the 45,687 shots that an IVF cycle takes.  Thankfully, there's no stimulation, which means a lot less of crazy Beth to go around.  Fine. By. Me.

We decided to take the risk and transfer two embryos, instead of one.  There are a few possible outcomes with this:

1. Both embryos survive thawing and are transferred and implant, thus increasing the risk of twins by 40%
2. One embryo survives the great thaw, transfer, and implants
3. Both embryos are transferred and don't implant
4. Neither embryo survives the thaw and we're back at square one (You are here X)

Husband is all about twins, while my thought process is more along the lines of 'Please let's just get one out of this.'  It's kind of sad, my file is the size of a large book.  Dr. R made the comment that  it's time for a successful pregnancy.  No shit, man. No shit.

Until next time, my loves.  Xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Starting over

Hi?  Hello?  Peeps?  Sorry about the radio silence.  I needed to step away from everything fertility related to get my mind right.  I was to the point where I was thinking about being pregnant or not being pregnant all.the.time. Every day was X number of days since MB, every week the same.  To say I was bitter was an understatement.  I tried to blog on Mother's Day, but everything that came out was bitter and ugly, it made me sick of myself.  I'm not the type to wallow, but there I was.

Over the last sixweeks I've gotten my shit together.  I've made myself go out with friends, be around babies and kids, and (if I'm being honest) I even made myself have fun.  FUN.  It's not like every single day is great, sometimes this shit just sucks.  It sucks when people (more than one person has done this) walk up to me and ask me if I've thought about a surrogate (yeah, but do you have a spare 40-60k and someone to be the oven?  That's what I thought).  It really sucks when work acquaintances from other departments say they I heard I was pregnant and ask me how far long I am (clearly their source isn't up to date).  I spent like 10 minutes in the bathroom crying over that one.  Said person felt like a jackass when I told them what happened, so I know she REALLY had no idea. 

Husband has been super helpful and understanding of just how insane I am.  I think we've only had one fight during all of this, which was started over money and then all of my issues came out.  It also helps that the pollen has been complete hell this year.  This is pretty much how I feel:

I've started keeping dead plants outside just to let every other one know that if they feel the need to leave their pollen on my front lawn, they will die.  None shall survive.  They have been warned. Amongst all the congestion and phlegm, Husband and I went to the beach.  Guys, I could breathe without anything rattling around in my chest for the first time in like....a month.  We've been to the beach three weeks in a row on our days off, it's been great.  I have tan lines again.  We're trying to plan a few days out at the beach, but we need to do it on the cheap.  Anyone has a condo we could borrow?

So that's pretty much what we've been up to.  We had a poker party last week and I won!  We've had three or four at our house now and I've either won three out of four, or all three. I can't remember.  Either way, Husband and I have enjoyed several date nights.  Anyone else down to join poker?  I'll be nice, I promise.

Today I went to see Dr. R for the HSC.  For those that don't know what that is, it's a hysteroscopy is when they stick a camera up into your uterus and make a youtube video.  No, seriously, they check for abnormalities and stuff.  Dr. R said he didn't see anything abnormal, but did see a bit of leftover tissue from MB, of which he promptly took a sample.  The whole thing took all of 15 minutes and was only a little uncomfortable.  I've schedule a follow up to review all the test results and stuff next week, so we'll form a plan then.  I have a very loose timeline now in my head of starting a FET (frozen egg transfer) cycle sometime in August.  We'll see what Dr. R thinks.  I kind of want another month where I'm not thinking about cycle days, injections or just generally worrying about my body.  We have a concert to attend in mid July and I really want to be able to have some drinks then.  Would it be cheaper to not have drinks?  Sure, but concerts are better when alcohol is involved..yes?

I think right now I'm on cycle day 10, but the only reason I'm aware of that is because my nurse mentioned it.  Otherwise, I don't really care what cycle day it is...I just care that about sleeping in.  It's nice to be normal for once.

Xoxo, guys.  My allergy medication is calling me.

Fake it till you make it

I've been trying to come up with an upbeat post for like...ever.  I feel like the last few posts have been a boo-hoo, poor Beth fest. For the life of me, I don't have much excitement in me.  The last few weeks have included a root canal (me), a migraine on our anniversary (Husband) and a wicked cold that has taken my voice for two days (Husband has been so pleased).  We bought tickets to the Dave.Mat.thews.Ba.nd show in Tam.pa that's coming in July.  I think Husband agreed to spend the money because I just need to look forward to something  The first show we went to was about six months after our first miscarriage and it was the first time I felt like myself in a long time.  I'd be lying if I told you that I'm not looking for the same result.  I just want to feel like myself again.

Going back to work was ok, but people kept coming up to me and giving me hugs and saying they're sorry.  I appreciate the support, but it was really nice when I was able to jump back into giving everyone a hard time.  It's our thing at work.  The meaner the jokes, the better the friend.  What?  I work with a bunch of guys, don't judge. 


We had our first appointment with the counselor, whom I will refer to as Dr. Spaghetti.  His hair looked like pasta on his head.  If you have curly hair, more power to you.  Just umm..do something with it.  Anyway, he was nice.  Maybe a little hippy-ish.  I'm going back on my own, since he deemed our marriage healthy and Husband as one of the most supportive husbands he's seen.  The first appointment didn't really blow me away, but I'm willing to give it another shot.

One annoying physical leftover from MB is that my boobs are lactating.  I was laying on Husband the other day and when I got up, my left boob was dripping.  It just pisses me off. It's a cruel reminder when part of me just wants to forget that I was pregnant.  We have MB's ultrasound and the embryo pictures still up on the fridge because Husband wants to keep them.  I just want to throw them away, they're reminders that I want to ignore.   A big part of me wants to forget that I was pregnant because maybe it wouldn't hurt to be reminded that I'm not.  So..forgive me if I don't comment on your baby pictures or pregnancy updates.  I just can't right now, but it doesn't mean that I don't care.  Christ on a stick, I hate sounding like this.

On a brighter note, I had a nice chat with my brother in law when Husband was down with his migraine.  Brother in law asked how I was doing and followed it up with "I hope you're not blaming yourself."  He kind of hit the nail on the head.  See, when this is is fresh and I have no answers, my mind goes automatically to blaming myself.  Maybe if I hadn't taken that hot shower...or what if I took one too many tylenol when I had that headache...should I not have lifted that case of beer?  All of these stupid questions add up to me trying to find a reason as to why MB died, why my body continues to betray me, that maybe it's something I'm doing.  Anyway, BIL (brother in law) said that it's not like I'm pulling some imaginary trigger.  That really clicked with me.  He's right.  I'm not sabotaging these pregnancies and this is not my fault.  I'm not doing drugs or drinking alcohol when I'm pregnant.  I'm not subconsciously killing our babies.   BIL and I are not particularly close, but sometimes you find support where you least expect it.  Big hug to him. 

So I'm in a delicate balance of putting myself back together.  Life goes on and I'm ok until I'm not, but then I circle my way back around to ok.  Now, excuse me, but a gigantic glass of wine and a chocolate bunny are calling me.  Xoxo, my peeps.  I leave you with this affirmation:

Seems legit!

Still kicking

I'm really not one for dogs, but I find this so appropriate right now.  I've been making myself get out of the house and to be around people.  I'm finding myself just sitting there while the conversation happens around me... I'm really not up to contributing anything meaningful. So far I've just been around family and one super close friend and they've all taken it easy on me. I'm so thankful for that.

I go back to work on Monday, but I don't feel ready at all. I want people to leave me alone, but be available for a hug at the same time.  Support me, but don't push me. On the other hand, maybe I need a little push. I don't know. We'll see what I can handle. I'm not ruling out the possibility of a breakdown, though. I like to keep my options open.

Speaking of a breakdown, I made an appointment with a therapist for Thursday. I'm anxious to get in there and maybe learn some coping skills. I'm going to try not to cry. I'm sick of crying.  Making the phone call was a little harder then I expected, but at least  made it. I am not ashamed of needing counseling, if anyone is wondering.

Well, this is a Debbie downer post.  I'll leave you with a pic of the delish margarita I had yesterday at 1130 am.  Again, no shame.  A little liquid  courage never hurt anyone. Xoxo

Survival

Several people have emailed or texted me to see how I'm doing.  I say I'm fine, but really I'm barely holding it together.  It's difficult being back at the beginning, right where I was seven years ago. A miscarriage, a surgery, no baby.  I feel like we've made zero progress.

People have asked why I chose to go with the D&C so quickly. Because multiple ultrasounds and waiting would have been torture. I wanted Dr. R to be able to get fetal tissue for genetic testing, which he did. In a couple of weeks we'll have those results and maybe a new plan. My only fear is that he'll come back with news that my body will always kill our babies and he can't help. Is that irrational? It doesn't feel like it.

Husband has been amazingly supportive. We are both sad and angry. I cry a lot, but I try not to cry around him. It's not that I can't lean on him, I just don't want to overwhelm him. Our anniversary is on the 14th and my birthday is on the 15th. I hate that we'll be fresh from losing MB.  I feel like I ruined our anniversary with miscarriage number four.

So that's where I am...Just surviving.  Tomorrow I'm going to start calling around to find a therapist. I'm smart enough to know I can't get through this shit on my own this time.

Before I end this, I just wanted to say thank you for all of the support. From my husband, our family, our friends and from perfect strangers. This is hard, but having such support makes it a tiny bit easier. We love you guys.

Speechless

I don't know what to say. I'm not in a very good place right now.  Tomorrow is the D&C. Dr. R is going to collect tissue and try to figure out why this keeps happening.  I just want this to be over so we can heal.

Maybe later I'll write about how excited we were, how we thought that this was it.  Right now I'd just like to thank Heidi for her sweet post,  all of my computer friends for their support, and our family for their love.  Y'all are floating me since I'm floundering in this sea of fucked up infertility.

Forgive me if I'm absent for awhile. Xoxo