Motherhood...

I blog to you now with an almost five week old drooling on me. The drool is a mixture of formula and tears since I was slow getting the bottle ready and she lost her absolute mind in about 30 seconds.  I'm pleased she's sleeping, but I have at least 20 more minutes of rocking, otherwise she'll pop right back up when I put her down.

The last five weeks have been.. Amazing and difficult and full of tears (mine and Abby's).  Breastfeeding was a bust. I engorged for two days, then it was gone. Abby wouldn't latch ever, she just pushed the boob away.  The nurses and lactation consultant all thought she didn't want to work for it.. That's my kid. I'm an instant gratification girl and so is she. So, in order to save myself one iota of stress I cut my losses and went with formula... And if you have something to say about that, keep it to yourself.

Sleep: Holy shit, I miss sleep.  She started sleeping in four hour blocks once we bought the rock and play. Hallelujah, four hours of sleep. We even had an Easter miracle, she slept six hours on good Friday. The next night.. Oh that was on like redneck donkey Kong. Abby decided to cry from 12-5 in the morning. On one hand, I was impressed with her commitment. On the other, I was losing my own mind.  Nothing was wrong, she ate, was changed, rocked bounced driven around and still, losing her mind.  Andrew and I took turns with her, I drove her around and got pulled over for not making a complete stop at 4am in my one horse town. I rolled down the window and Abigail let out a wail, the cop asked what I was doing and I said trying to get my daughter to sleep.. You wanna try?  So I was let go with a sympathetic look and a laugh. That ass.

But then there have been good times. Abby loves baths, so those are fun. She completely relaxes and basks in the warm water, her favorite thing is to have her hair washed. She likes to go on walks around the neighborhood. We do this thing we call kiss attacks.  We lean over her and kiss her all over. She's so close to smiling when we do that,  I love it. I've taken her to my husband's restaurant to visit him, she likes to look all around and doesn't mind the noise. Everyone comments how beautiful she is (duh) and on how much hair she has (the heartburn was worth it).

So.. Motherhood is fucking hard, but the good parts are super good. Like right now, she's snoring on my shoulder but I could die from the cuteness. I've found that motherhood has brought up issues from my childhood, but mostly tons of anxiety. Sometimes (a lot) I'll lay awake at night, panicking if I'm doing things right.. If not, am I screwing her up? Is this common? Am I just insane?

Anyway.. My 20 minutes are up and it's late. I'm going to try to get some rest before Chicken Little wakes up. Pictures next time. Bloggers mobile app sucks. Xoxo

The Birth Story

Ok, so.  Abby's birth story goes a little something like this:

March 3rd:  We check in to the hospital right at shift change.  Joy.  I had one nurse for a total of 15 minutes, then my day shift nurses (there were two) came in, introduced themselves and one proceeded to shove cervidil (cervix ripening agent, for those that don't know) up in to my nether regions.  We got the show on the road at 915, give or take.  They tell me after the insertion that I have to stay in bed for two hours to make sure the cervidil stays in place...Great.  Not like I have to pee or anything. 

So we sit...we wait, we walk around the unit.  I'm terribly disappointed I haven't heard anyone in labor scream. There's word that there's a woman in complete natural labor, so there is hope yet (I did eventually hear her scream).  Some mild cramps start, nothing major. I've had worse periods.  It feels like a lot of hurry up and wait. I watch some bad TV while husband keeps himself occupied:

He had a bad cold. And it was boring in the beginning.

It gets to be around 3pm, Husband leaves to come back home and check on the cat menagerie.  That's when the cramps started to get real.  Like, really real. I couldn't sit in bed, couldn't bounce on the ball, all I could do was just pace around in a circle.  While husband is gone, I ask for some anti nausea meds.  When the nurse comes in and sees me, she decided to check and see what was happening with the cervedil.  Turns out I was dilated to 3cm and was officially in labor.  I wasn't supposed to be in labor just yet, apparently this med throwing me into labor was rare and this is, according the nurse "Great".  Whatever, lady.  Get me my damn epidural right damn now. By this time, Husband has returned. I apparently caused some damage when I squeezed his hand during a contraction.  Listen, it's not my fault he left his wedding ring on and gave me his whole hand to squeeze.  Even now, over a week later, he's still only giving me three fingers to hold.  I think I traumatized him.

I get the epi..and all of a sudden, I don't hate every single person in the world anymore.  The night shift comes on, gives me an ambien..I can rest.  This is delightful.  Around two in the morning, I roll over and feel a pop pop with a slight trickle.  Did I just pee myself?  It's not out of the realm of possibility.  I roll back over and realize that my water just broke and it is every.where.  Not a good look.  It's around this time that the epidural stops working.  Yes..stops working.  Natural child birth was not in my plan. Not even close.  The nurse is confused, says I shouldn't be in this much pain.  Anesthesia comes in, gives me a little more epidural medicine. It works for exactly five  minutes.  Finally around 10am, they replace the epidural and all is again right with the world. 

We're good until four or five in the afternoon.  Then I start feeling a lot pressure, the urge to push is intense. It feels like I have to take the biggest poo in the world, but nurses are telling me no, no. Don't bear down.  Oooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkk, then don't complain when I'm moaning and groaning because this uncomfy, yo.  Finally I get to 9, super close to 10cm and we start pushing.  I push for an hour and a half.  There's barely any progression of Abby.  The nurse tells me it's probably going to be three more hours of pushing.  Say what? 

That's when I threw in the towel. I had been up since two, had two epidurals, and was exhausted. I know my body, I know my limits. There was no way I could push for three more hours.  I commend the women that can do that, it was just not going to happen for me.  I'm rolled into an OR, bright lights are shone down upon me, Husband is in a blue smock.  There's some tugging, there's some pulling and all of a sudden, my world is forever changed with our daughter's cry.  I heard the nurses say "oh, she is pissed" and Husband says "Babe, she's got a full head of hair!  10 fingers 10 toes!"  While they're cleaning Abby up, I hear the nurses and doctor say that I made the right choice. Abby was head down, but was turned and not lined up in the birth canal.  I wouldn't have been able to get her out no matter how long I pushed. 

So here are some things I learned while in labor/c sectioning:

• Be your own advocate.  Several times, I had nurses discount my pain level and I deferred to them.  They know how this goes better than me right?  Listen, you want pain medicine, you get pain medicine. You want more ice chips, get the damn ice chips.

• Tell your husband to either take off his wedding ring or give you his right hand to hold, otherwise you will hurt him.
•  Every single part of your body will be sore after labor.  Your lady bits will be...flappy and swollen.  Take any meds they give you and learn to love a diaper with ice in it.  
• After a c section, you will be in bed for about 24 hours.  You will feel like your abdomen has just been fileted open, and it has been. Take it easy getting up the first time. 
• Once you're home, you will want to be super independent and do everything yourself.  Stop yourself. You've just had major abdominal surgery that resulted in a small child.  Let your husband pick up the slack, just like he's been doing for the last 9 months.  

That's the advice that I can think of so far.  I'm sure more will come. For now, though, I leave you with a couple of pictures that take my breath away:

Heart melted

Goaalllllllllllll

 

Xoxo.  From Abby and I!

She's here!

Abigail Nancy Nicolle Wolfe arrived on March 4th at 739pm via c section,weighing 8 lbs 12 oz.  Everyone is home and completely in love with this perfect little being. 

More pics and her birth story are to come...

Apologies

Guys. Sorry it's been forever since the last blog.  Time just got away from me..as usual. I blog to you from an oatmeal bath, which is sort of, not really soothing the hives I've developed. Current situation is this:

• 40 weeks pregnant, today
• Weight gain: hippo status 
• Abby is a mover and a shaker, but refuses to drop. Not cool. 
• Those hives I was talking about? Apparently they are no bueno and can be a sign of my liver not handling bile that I'm producing... So the solution? 
• Induction!! Tomorrow, 6am we check in and I get a string shoved up into my lady bits and away we go!

Seriously, the doctor said this will probably be a 2-3 day process since I'm not dilated and she's still hanging out up high. Maybe this will end up in a c section, maybe not. Whatever, the goal is to come out with an Abby that is safe and sound. It is not going to break my heart if I have a c section, just get us our kid. 

I don't feel particularly nervous, I just feel ready. Tomorrow is the beginning of the end of the 7 year wait for our baby, we just need a little patience. 

I promise I will post pictures of her and the nursery and maybe 1 or 2 of me when I'm not covered in these red dots. Until then, kind thoughts are appreciated and all of you are in my thoughts, as always. Xoxo 

Conflicted

I've started this post about a thousand times over in my mind.  I keep going around if I should even put this down, but eff it...I'm just going to say it.  I spend a fair amount of time feeling guilty about this pregnancy.  That shouldn't mean that I'm not excited about Abby, don't misunderstand me, I absolutely am.  Andrew painted her room last week and I stand in there almost every day, imagining reading to her, rocking her, changing her.  I dream about holding her and just looking at her.  I wish Abby was here, just see whose nose she has.  Will she have my dark hair or his blonde hair?  Then I'm bombarded with all of this:

• I feel guilty that I got pregnant the old fashioned way, after IVF and miscarriages, and so many of you are still struggling.  I hate that you're struggling.  It brings me to tears to think that my friends are in such pain.
• I'm so thankful that I'm pregnant, I'm so happy after so many years of struggling...should I feel this happy?  How do I reconcile all of the sadness of the past seven years with this?
• While I'm thankful for this pregnancy, I have to admit...pregnancy is not my cup of tea.  I fought so hard to be here and now I dislike almost everything about this.  Am I not supposed to love being pregnant?  Sure, I love feeling Abby kick and squirm (even at 1am), but my feet are swelling at the end of the day and I can't bend over without gasping for breath.  
• My appetite is crrrrrrrrrrazy right now, so I'm mooching food from everyone.  Sorry, work friends.  It's just everything is so yummy.  On the bright side...I've only gained 15 pounds.  Yay?

So that's just a small taste of things that I'm dealing with right now.  I'm struggling with being on a different page, one that I thought I would be so quick and happy to flip to.  It's so weird being in this position.  Does all of this sound like whining?  It feels like whining.  Whatever.  I need to get it out.

We have done some positive things over the last few weeks.  We registered at the Tar.get, moved the guest room, and like I said, made a sacrifice to the My Little Pony gods ..I mean, painted her room.  I bought her first onesie for her.  My good friend gave me a fantastic breast pump and bottles, because she is amazing.  I helped to put a rough idea of a baby shower together with my aunt and cousin.  Things are really good, I just struggle to be comfortable in this skin. 

Here are some pics of the last few weeks:

Mara helping dad make room for Abby

See what I mean about the sacrifice to My Little Pony?  Please no Rainbow Dash

It's 0-3 months...please let her be small enough to wear it

So that's us right now.  We're slowly getting ready for our baby, who is due 117 days.  Thanks for the countdown, registry.  Love you guys.  Xoxo

TBT..to Thursday

Sorry about the super brief post on Thursday.  I barely had my house clean before our family came over to celebrate Abby, but I made it!  This is how Thursday went down:

• Wake up at 4am, because I can't sleep.  I'm nervous about the ultrasound
• Listen to Mara cat yell at me during the shower, she's hungry and wants me to hurry.  That cat is stomach driven.  The morning session of the hunger games is on and I am tribute.
• Feed cats, wake up Husband for the second time.  Get more nervous as we get closer to leaving.  I just want everything to be ok.
• 7:15:  Leave the house.  Struggle through morning traffic, hate every single person that's driving except us.  Drink a liter of water on the way to the doctor's office...they say to have a full bladder.  Job done.
• 7:50:  We arrive and hustle up to the third floor for our 8am appointment.  I am nothing if not on time when nervous.
• 8:10:  Realize I should have paced myself with the liter of water.
• 8:20:  Explain to the office staff that my bladder is being used as a trampoline and it's situation critical.  They check to see what the delay is.
• 8:30: Ultrasound Kelly calls us back, explains there was a problem with the machine.  I'm thinking that I don't really care, at this point I'd be happy with a polaroid camera stuck up there if I could just pee. I try really hard not to pee on the table, and I succeed.

************This is where ultrasound pics start.  Stop if you can't, I understand***************





So we found our baby in this position:

So lady like

 At least she didn't make us wait, right?  Good girl, Abby, good girl.  She flipped and flopped the entire ultrasound.  Granted, I did have a glass of OJ before we left.  I didn't want to not find out, but holy hell, she didn't need to play bouncehouse with my bladder.

Here are some more pics:

Alien Abby, looking at us

Settling in for a nap

Her little feet!

Pointing and I think she was trying to flip us off with the other hand, but it's hard to see

Fist pump or thumbs up, she's ok!

***********************************************************************************

After all that, you need a cat:

 
So that's our daughter (it's weird to say).  Her full name is going to be Abigail Nancy (my mom) Nicolle (Husband's mom's maiden name) and the initials A.N.N spell out my middle name.  Look at all the symbolism!

Until next time guys...xoxo

The reveal..quick and dirty

Just a super quick, down and dirty post.  I have family coming over for dinner and my house is a wreck..I napped all afternoon.

Buuuuuttttttttt....Cinco is a girl!!  Her name is Abigail and wiggling is her game.  She's measuring perfectly for a March 4th due date, weighs 13 ounces and did not stop moving at all during the ultrasound.

Holy shit.  What am I going to do with a girl!!  We are so excited.  I promise I'll post more over the weekend, maybe include an ultrasound pic or two.  Xoxo